According to quantum theory, sub-atomic particles can pop in and out of existence at random intervals. Unfortunately, there is not, as far as I know, a branch of quantum theory dealing with underpants.
Why am I telling you this? Only because there is sitting, on the dinner table at the moment, in my house, a pair of underpants that seem to have come from nowhere. They appeared on the clothes rack last week, after I was taking in my (mostly) dry clothes at the end of the day. I assumed they were my flatmates; I put them back on the clothes rack and mentioned them to him later.
This afternoon I came back and found the underpants sitting on the table. I asked my flatmate why he was leaving them on the table, only to be told that they were 'not his'.
How can a pair of underpants like this mysteriously magic themselves into existence? Where did they come from? To whence are they going? I can only conclude that in my house, I have discovered the existence of a phenomenon that has hitherto been merely the subject of speculation for theoretical physicists and the like: the quantum underpants. I am not reassured by this discovery: quite the opposite. If these underpants can suddenly appear in my house, what about the underpants that I already own? What could they be doing behind my back? They could be wearing other people without telling me! They could decide to vanish, completely without notice, while I have them on!
In the shifting, transient universe of quantum underpants mechanics, anything could be possible.
Half of me wants to know more about this strange phenomenon, the other half is backing away slowly and pretending that I never read this post. Guess which half controls my hands?
ReplyDeleteUm, not sure, unless you have three halfs. The underpants are still sitting there, mocking me.
ReplyDeleteIn Schrdinger's famous Underpants thought experiment, he proposed leaving a pair of his wife's best pantaloons in a box with the neighbourhood snowdropper. He postulated that in some versions of Quantum Underpant Reality, you could open the box days later and the underpants would still be there.
In Wormhole Underpant-Theory, holes that are eaten in your underpants by worms or moths become vortexes in space time that you probably don't want to put your bits through.
Yes, I have no life.
Yes, I have no life.
ReplyDelete...and without a trace of irony she replied, 'yes, I worked that out.'
By a probably not terribly curious coincidence, I have recently made a pact with a friend to read Quantum Theory for Beginners when I have an idle moment, so I will be able to understand what he's talking about, but mostly because I want to know about the cat.
ReplyDeleteCommiserations on the reverse snowdropper. If it was sanitary, such a person might be useful. If only it was happening with socks!
A new technical dilemma for you- when I go to the comments section I always get this message asking me if I want to display the non-secure items. Lately (I think for the last couple of days) when I click "yes" it comes back again and again and again, so I have to refresh just to scroll down. This only seems to happen with your blog.
Oh there's a simple explantaion for that.
ReplyDeleteYes?
ReplyDelete(I'm barely computer literate and will not understand technical jargon).
Well, it's either because blogger hates you [and virtually everyone else] or because blogger is an evil wildebeest. Take your pick really.
ReplyDeleteThere are a few blogs that do that. I think it's something to do with this new blogger/old blogger thing.
ReplyDeleteReverse snowdropper is another theory I was working on.
I suppose I don't mind it hating me if it hates everyone equally!
ReplyDeleteDidn't Alexis have a "problem" like this? She was on the ground floor and underpants were falling into her courtyard from an upper level, I seem to recall. If you're in a block of flats, I'm sure it's something perfectly simple like that, although that wouldn't be nearly as much fun as a reverse snowdropper!
You do realise that you will now have to pen a brief biography of the reverse snowdropper, don't you?
ReplyDeleteThere's no 'have to' about it. Seriously, you don't. You will/have, but I wish you wouldn't/didn't.
ReplyDeleteSome people are still on old blogger? How? It bullied me into total submission. Hell, I've even developed Stockholm Syndrome.
I'm sorry. I don't mean to encourage him. I just find the word "snowdropper" funny. I was delighted when I first heard it.
ReplyDeleteTim, have you considered a supernatural explanation, rather than a scientific one? A client of mine once told me that, after her husband died, she thought his spirit was behind odd things that happened around the house. One example: she had a favourite pair of red knickers that he liked her to wear, and one day, after putting the washing away in her drawers, she went out of the room, and came back to find the red knickers sitting in a prominent position on the bed. She was certain they had been put in the drawers.
ReplyDeleteOr maybe it's a bit like the apports that appear in poltergeist cases (indeed, as shown in the film Poltergeist, of which I am enormously fond!)
Yes, maybe you have the key to proving that unseen dimensions exist, all in a pair of underwear. Guard them carefully. Or set them up in a corner with infrared lighting and a motion detection camera, to see if they dematerialise during the night.
If you wake up in the middle of the night with them stuffed in your mouth, take them to a Catholic churuch and wash them in the holy water dish at the door. Don't worry, the Magistrate will understand.
*snort* Liar!
ReplyDeleteI think I will actually give the reverse snowdropper biography a pass, if only because I am working out all the fine details of quantum underpants mechanics.
ReplyDeleteI hear that if you stand outside Alexis place, close your eyes, hold out your hands, and think very carefully about a specific type of underwear, when you open your eyes, they will have fallen into your hands!
Ah well, we all encourage him. Our laughs, our howls of pain- it's all grist to the mill.
ReplyDeleteI would say something about the rumoured magical properties of Chez Harlot, but there really isn't anything one can say!
Blogger needs encouragement?
ReplyDeleteBarely known Blogger Timt was yesterday accused of needing encouragement to post any old slightly worked piece of wordsmithery that comes into his head. When questioned Timt denied that this was the case. He claimed that he 'does it for the love of the thing, the sheer joy of annoying people, polluting the internet, and corrupting pcs the world over'.
In related news, it continues to be tea time, or almost so.
My mutton's looking for those pants.
ReplyDeleteNails,
ReplyDeleteThat really is a devilishly good plan- steal his act (and spoof newspaper articles are a particular favourite, aren't they?) and he'll be completely at a loss. He'll probably start running around the table like a chook with its head cut off, forgetting that the offering to the reverse-snowdropping poltergeist is still in the middle of the table. The poltergeist will answer the call in abundance and he'll have only enough breath left to squeak out one final pun before perishing in a hail of underpants.
Our PCs will be rid of this menace yet!
In related news, it continues to be tea time, or almost so.
ReplyDeleteI'm tempted to do an opinion column about this, but I will refrain. I don't know whether I ever claimed to be original, so steal my act if you wish!
Hmmmm. Perhaps this menace is some sort of bacteria or virus which wishes to multiply across blogs and comment threads. More evasive action might be appropriate.
ReplyDeleteShould I or should I not warn you about the group blog about to infect a PC near you?
ReplyDeleteTim, I have thought of another explanation. Is your flatmate secretly gay? Does he push you out the door to go see movies, and then seem particularly relaxed when you return 4 hours later? Could he have mistaken his guests underwear (which ended up in his washing) as yours, and not be willing to admit the mistake when he told you he assumed they were yours?
ReplyDeleteI am not sure whether my mentioning this is slightly amusing, or just creepy.
A group blog? There are plenty of those devils about already, so I have some practice in dealing with their distractions.
ReplyDeleteFunnily enough, my initial thought was a house guest too, but I also feared making the suggestion might seem creepy.
Well, if we're going to go for merely the most probable explanation, a friend of my flatmate's visited recently, and the undies are most likely his.
ReplyDeleteThere. All the mystery is gone now. Happy?
How disappointing. I would have preferred a cult based around them. They could be a stand in for the Shroud of Turin, or the Veil of Veronica.
ReplyDeleteI am amusing myself terribly in these posts, but have no idea if anyone else thinks I am being successfully funny.
If we all clap our hands and really and truly believe strongly enough, will the poltergeist come back?
ReplyDeleteIt really is very kind of you, Tim, to give us so much entertainment from these small, domestic incidents.
I don't think you ever claimed to be original time. The mock news article is pretty standard in blogs anyway. Operas less so [or maybe I just haven't read enough blogs].
ReplyDeleteGo on with the opinion column, do your worst to that late night and quite appalling sentence.
I should note that I'm finding all these underpants-or-non-related-underpants comments hilarious, including Steve's marvellous contributions. This could say more about me than anyone else, though. I always fund undies hilarious.
ReplyDeleteHow else would you fund undies?
ReplyDeleteUm, taxation?
ReplyDeleteIt's like one typo after another tonight. Might be time for me to give up and go to sleep.
ReplyDeleteThe road to hell is paved with bad declensions.
ReplyDeleteThat, amongst other things, is what I was thinking of as I struggled, bleary eyed, out of bed this morning. o
6.57AM? Holy mother of fuck, is that ever wrong. I thought 9.15 was asking a bit much. And then proved it by being a bit late with everything all day.
ReplyDeleteI know. And almost the first thing I do is log on to the net and make a bad pun. With poor spelling to boot. I'm sick, Nails, very sick.
ReplyDeleteI didn't read past the time. And yes, you are sick.
ReplyDeleteWho logs on to the net before work?
Maybe you have the anti-sock monster in your house? Instead of eating socks he randomly throws up underpants.
ReplyDeleteCompletely rational.
The underpants have, mysteriously, disappeared again...
ReplyDeleteSo it's one of those monsters who throws up and then comes back later and eats it? Ew. Maybe you should clean.
ReplyDeleteWord verification: maaul
Coincidentally, Maaul is what I was planning to name my first-born Demonchild. Or should that be first-spawn?
ReplyDeleteFirst-spawn, for sure. Can I be there when it eats its way out of your abdomen? Chance of a life-time and all that...
ReplyDelete