An Exercise in Comparative Literature

For decades, the debate has been raging amongst literary scholars: "Which is better? James Joyce, or a train timetable?"

On the one hand, there are the scholars who argue that we live in an everchanging, metatextual world, and that we should be prepared to let in all types of literature to the canon. On the other hand, there are the classical scholars who think we should just stick with the train timetable.

So what's so good about James Joyce, anyway? Can it do something useful, like tell us when and where to catch a train?

In this essay, I propose to help settle this crucial philosophical debate once and for all by performing a comparative study.

ULYSSES vs THE BROADMEADOWS AND UPFIELD TRAIN TIMETABLE
A Study In Literary Quality

***

Let us consider the table. I have listed a number of criteria by which we may judge our two texts:

Criteria	Train Timetable	Ulysses
What does it do?	Helps you get from A to B	Helps get you from A to L by way of Z, and making a slight detour through G and U before considering the Freudian and Jungian qualities of the letter S
What does it describe?	Trains departing from and arriving at various train stations	A day in the life of various Dubliners.
Best Line	"Challenges lie ahead, but we believe we have the experience, knowledge and vision to consolidate the network."	"Thou has done a doughty deed! Thou art the remarkablest progenitor barring none in this chaffering allincluding farraginous chronicle. Astounding!"
Worst Line	"Challenges lie ahead, but we believe we have the experience, knowledge and vision to consolidate the network."	"Poor Dignam!"
Difficulty level	Easy to read, and you don't have to read all of it to get the general idea. It is a bit boring.	Diufficult to read, and once you get through it all, you realise you have no idea what the fuck it was all about. It is a bit boring, even if you do read it.

Clearly, our two texts are very closely matched.

***

Let us next consider some of the pros and cons of each text ...

Timetable

Ulysses

Pro: Can tell you when trains arrive Con: Trains are often late. Pro: The letters and numbers are printed in a variety of pretty colours and shapes, making for a pleasing aesthetic experience. Con: The literary quality is execrable. Pro: Can be used as a bookmark, thus making it even more useful. Con: Can be used as a bookmark in Ulysses. Pro: Can tell you everything you need to know about the 8.27pm train from Kensington. Con: You don't want to know. No, really, you don't.

Pro: Can't tell you when the trains arrive, but they'll be late anyway. Con: A late train is better than no train at all. Pro: Learned literary scholars tell us that it is quite well written. Con: But alas, it is nothing without the pretty colours. :( Con: Huge book. Can not be used as a bookmark, ever. Pro: Can not be used as a bookmark in another copy of Ulysses. Con: Cannot tell you all about the 8.27pm train from Kensington. Pro: What if you want to catch that train?

***

In this final section, I will consider the opinions of various literary scholars, and attempt to draw a conclusion.

According to Fotheroy, Joyce was a "luminous beacon of twentieth century literature, an inspiration to all humanity. In these troubled times, we should all read some more James Joyce." But in the considered opinion of Jervinski, Fotheroy was a dirty old man who liked to invite young men to his office and fondle their lily-white bottoms. Arthurs-Ramfellough is on record as saying, "I do like to sit down with a nice cup of tea and a copy of the latest train timetable." On the other hand, we must give equal weight to the arguments of Jeeves, Blubinski, and Wuggles, who have stated that Ramfellough enjoyed writhing around naked in a bathtub of hot spam, singing all of Elton John's lesser-known hits.

In Conclusion:
I think I need a drink. Thank you for your time.

Tim Train

In next week's Exercise in Comparitive Literature, Tim asks the question: "Is it appropriate to read the Bible naked? If so, in what circumstances?"

Cross posted on Intersecting Lines.

God Versus the Publishers

Dear Publishers,

I enclose the manuscript for a semi-autobiographical novel of my own. I've been working on it, on and off, for the past three thousand years.

God.

***

Dear Mr God,

Thank you for taking the time to send your manuscript into us. We read it through to the end, and really liked it! The comedy passages in Deuteronomy were particularly original.

Unfortunately, we do not feel that we are able to publish it in its current form. A little too much violence - it wouldn't appeal to the demographic we feel you're trying to reach. Also, it appears to be written mostly in ancient Hebrew.

The Publishers.

***

Dear P.,

Fine. I've put together a little translation, which I hope you're happy with. But the violence stays. For I, your God, am a jealous God, and I'll give you a jolly good smiting if you start censoring my text, you see if I don't. Plus, it adds to the dramatic tension. See?

G.

***

Hi God.

Well, thanks. We must admit, we didn't expect you to translate it into an obscure and unpronounceable pre-Miltonian dialect of English. It's a good thing we had a scholar on England before the time of Cromwell in our staff, otherwise it might have been a bit difficuilt to understand.

However, we've still got a few complaints.

1) The passage about Adam and Eve seems to contradict, plot-wise, with the other account of creation contained in your opening chapter.

2) We're not convinced by the character of Balaam's Ass. Sure, he's just a minor character: but could you flesh him out a bit? Why is it necessary to have a talking donkey there in the first place?

3) We'd be interested if you extended out The Song of Solomon for a few scenes. I mean let's not be prudish here: our readers like a bit of tit and cock.

4) We are a bit perplexed by your decision to make the book into a duology. Surely it could be split more evenly into a trilogy? Or even a tetraology? And frankly, the whole of the second book (tentatively titled 'New Testament' at the moment) seems just a bit overwrought.

5) Enough already with the begats! Or, if you must put them in, could you concentrate on the begatting process and less on who got begat? (See our comments re: 3, above).

6) Before we forget, the NAME. Could you have come up with anything worse? The Bible? What on earth does it MEAN?
Here are some of our suggestions:

The Jerusalem Protocol
My Struggle
God: The Book of the Film (don't worry, if your book does get published, we'll arrange the film rights soon enough)
Heaven a Good Time, Wish You Were Here

7) We feel as if your appeal could also be extended to the sci-fi market. Do you think you could put in a scene with lasers and a couple of androids?

Just one?

The Publishers.

***

Hi. Read your suggestions. Are you guys trying to ruin my book? I've poured my heart and soul into it, dammit, and you're trying to suck all the life out of it. Firstly:

1) No. The Adam and Eve bit stays. They're crucial characters for the rest of the series.

2) Oh, would you like him to do a little song and dance as well? Quit pressuring me. I think it's impressive enough that he speaks at all. I mean, does your dog speak to YOU? Of course not.

3) Fine, I've put it in with this letter. Happy now?

4) No. The duology structure is crucial. The whole second part is about my relationship with my son, see? I don't think Junior would be impressed if I started and chopping changing with that bit. And believe me, he's a guy with a lot of power.

5) You filthy minded sods, what have you been doing with my book, using it as a Playboy spank rag? I don't do porn, thanks very much. I do do *erotica*, yes, but I don't do porn.

6) Pitiful wretches. If it were possible for me to blaspheme, then that is what I would be doing right now. No. The name STAYS. Ye of little faith!

7) Alright, alright, I've been working on this short story, got Purple Women and Four headed beasts aplenty. Space opera sort of thing, called 'Revelations'. It's enclosed. Happy now?

G.

***

Mr God,

Unfortunately, if you're going to be so intractable, we don't feel we can publish your book. Anyway, the bottom's fallen out of the semiautobiographical-novel market. Why don't you try writing some chic-fic? Judging from your 'Book of Esther', you could do quite well in the romantic comedy genre.

The Publishers.

Who The Hell

Who is this weirdo that has just started posting over at Intersecting Lines? Anyway, I wouldn't have anything to do with him if I were you. But stick with me. You can trust me, dear reader.

Typing For Food

Not that I don't like my job. All I do is listen to radio all day and type and when it gets quiet, I'm able to nip down to the video archives downstairs and get a copy of a Doctor Who repeat. But eleven hours straight at the job is excessive. Argh. I think my back wants to kill someone.

Anyway, from practical experience, here are a few insights I'd like to offer:

- Some people should really learn English as a second language, because they're crap at English as a first language.

- For an android, Kevin Rudd does a surprisingly good imitation at humour. It's only when you do several Rudd press conferences that you realise he says the same thing, over and over. He doesn't quite seem to get that this whole 'communication' thing involves saying different things occasionally.

- When a politician issues a media alert, be alarmed. Be very alarmed.

- A moratorium should be imposed on the following words and phrases:

Um
Ah
Like
Sort of
You know
Whatever
Now can I just say this (Kevin Rudd, I'm looking in your direction)

- Also, there should be a strict rationing on words and phrases including, but not limited to, the following:

Maybe
Possibly
Most of
Probably
In all likelihood

If we had only one of those per sentence, we might be able to avoid tortuous sentences which wrench several of these phrases into close proximity in a desperate attempt to avoid saying anything.

- Billy the Mime would make a better radio presenter than Neil Mitchell.

That's all. For the moment.

A Mild Speech To My Skin Condition

Hi there, Mild Case of Eczema! How good to see you back! Comparatively, at least. I mean, I'd rather have you round than a Mild Case of Ebola or a Mild Case of Death.

Come right in. Make yourself at home. Don't worry about me (you never have, after all.) There's a nice seat over there, why don't you get comfortable while I ... no? You'd prefer to take up residency around my fingers and toes? Mild Case of Eczema, what is it with you and intimacy? How many times have I said we're just friends?

And that following thing: quit going wherever I go! Honestly, you're worse than a bad smell. Do you think that you could detach yourself from my body just while I go to work? No?
Well, how about this then? Why don't I go over to do the washing up in the sink, and then, for no reason at all, sink my fingers into it until you hurt so much that you'll drop off by yourself?
No. Well, how about I get this axe, and I put my fingers down here, and I ... I mean, sure, there'd be blood and everything, but ... no? You don't like that idea, either?

Mild Case of Eczema, why don't you mildly take a long walk off a short pier?

Arsehole.

New Political Nomenclature

and by the way, mr tim blair, the use of the word "leftoid" is childish and stupid.

CommenterThorn at Anonymous Lefty.

In the name of fairness and goodness, I'd like to propose these following Alternative Names for "Leftoids":

Nice People!

Cuddly Caring Sharing Creatures!

Michael Moore Fan Club!

Totally Not Evil People, not Like Those Nasty Right Wing Death Beasts!

Leftobots!

Progressanoids!

Liberalleftleaningbleedingheartcommunistsocialistpilgerreadinglovebeasts!

And in the names of truth and justice and fair play, here are some alternative names for "Right Wing Death Beasts":

Puppy killers!

Scourge of all kittens!

Nasty people!

Fascist Wingnut Swine!

Warmongrels!

Bushonauts!

Totalitarianaut!

Hitlerians!

Killerconservobeings!

Those Naughty People Who Vote Differently!

That Person Who I Don't Want To Speak To At The Dinner Table!

Australia Day Post!

If you're reading this overseas, you probably haven't heard that it's Australia Day at the moment, and if you haven't, then you probably won't be too interested in hearing about the history of Australia, which is why I'm going to tell you anyway.
Actually, there's not that much to tell. Australia is basically a normal land full of ordinary people doing everyday things, like watching television, getting married, drinking tea, and fondling rhinoceroses. That might seem a little odd, but many of us are descended from English people, and to them, drinking tea is a completely ordinary, everyday thing to do in the morning before they go off to fondle their neighbourhood rhinoceros.
I guess the getting married thing is a bit weird too. In some countries like America, getting divorced is more the thing. Divorce is popular over here too, but remember that we have to get married to get divorced, otherwise it would ruin the magic of the moment.

Some facts about Australia:
1) The liberal political party are called Labor and the conservative political party are called the Liberals!
2) What the Europeans call football, we call soccer; and what we call football, the Europeans don't call anything at all. Also, what the Americans call football seems weird and a little bit scary to us!
3) Since we walk on the bottom side of the earth, we walk on our heads and have to wear weights to stop us falling off. You might think that this wearing weights thing makes us heavier and makes it easier for us to fall off, and actually, you have a
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h point. But I've never let a good point get in the way of my writing.

We use some funny words over here in Australia. For instance, we eat our breakfast with a 'spoon', we eat our lunch and dinner with a 'fork' and 'knife', and we eat off items of cutlery that we call 'bolymakapulics'. Also, we call our mother 'Mum' and our father 'Dad', and we refer to our Aunts and Uncles with names like 'Sithering' and 'Blugalug'. Some Americans are put off by the fact that in Australia we drive on the left side of the road, and not the right; but to make matters easier for them, to us, 'left' means 'right' and 'right' means 'left'. Also, what you call a lie is called 'truth' over here. This means that, if you ever come to visit Australia, and you ask for advice, then you should probably do the exact opposite of what we tell you. Seriously.
We have some interesting customs here, too. For instance, we used to have something over here called 'Daylight savings', which means that once every year we turn the clock back one hour, and then six months after that, we turned the clock forward one hour. Nobody knew why they did this, but this was tradition, and there's no way we'd go against tradition. Eventually, someone put forward the theory that by turning the clock back, we gave ourselves an extra hour in every day. Then someone else suggested that if instead of turning the clock back an hour every day, we turned the clock back a day every hour, we'd get several extra days in the one hour. This made plenty of sense to us, seeing as we were drunk at the time, so now we do that instead.

Anyway, that's enough about Australia. I hope you'll all come to visit us, or come here for a holiday - whichever comes first. G'day, mates!

Funny To Be Trying

Lots of debate, starting here, about people who try to be funny.

When it comes to humour, some people are serious about being funny, and some people are funny about being serious. Then there are the people who are serious about being serious and the people who are funny about being funny. Only thing is, the people who are serious about anything are usually funny, though they don't mean to be; and the people who are funny about everything usually have a serious problem.

Who knows? Maybe we should never try to be funny, not because we might end up being funny, but because we end up looking like people who are trying to be funny. Or, then again, maybe we should take advice from P.J. O'Rourke, who says

When you're being run over by a car, you'll be serious about it.

Or maybe, when it comes to being serious, or being funny, we should only ever be serious about being serious (but in a funny way) or funny about being funny (but in a serious way).

UPDATE! - Now that I read over that post again, it makes no sense at all. Looks like my writing has lived up to its usual low standards, then!

Inspiring Epigram For Dogs

To sniff, to spring, to bark - and not to heel.

Alfred Sheepdog Tennyson.

Dispatches From The Bureau Of Grammatological Regulation

There is a God, and he reserves an especially painful place in hell for all those who misplace apostrophes. This week, several alerts have landed on my desk from our team, informing me of flagrant underuse, abuse, or misuse of the apostrophe.

From Ontario, Canada:

"Steves not here, he's having an affair."

From Kraspenville, New Zealand:

"What about your's truly?"

Add to this several examples of the mixing up of the words 'It's' and 'Its' from various locations in Australia.

The offenders have all been identified by our informant network, and will be harshly dealt with.

---

Today a particularly ugly memo fell on my desk. It read:

HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA

If I had not known better, I would have thought that someone was laughing at me. However, I immediately recognised it as a 'Punctuation Inquiry' form from our Bolivian offices. I briefly contemplated how it might begin:

"HA: HA HA, HA HA, HA HA, HA. HA ..." (etc)

or:

"HA, HA; HA, HA; HA, HA. HA!" (etc)

or even:

"HA ... HA ... HA ... HA ... (HA HA HA HA HA) ..." (etc)

However, it was unclear from the meaning of the passage which would be more suitable. I duly filed the form away to be sent to my superiors, and went about my business.

---

Once a man found his way into these offices. He was screaming and gibbering and rending his hair, like a beast from out of the jungle. I sat him down, soothed him, told him to calm down, and bought him a cup of tea. Finally, I recognised him: it was Jones that I had worked with for so many years! It was then that I realised what had happened to him: some years ago, Jones had made a minor error of punctuation - using a semicolon where a colon would do, or some such offence - and, as a major of rote, had been sent in to the camps for Grammatological Correction. I had never thought to see him again.

Sometimes it is not easy, living under the constant dread of Grammatological Correction. I have to keep a close eye on my Capitals. They are especially liable to overuse.

---

I have a particularly interesting task today:

DIE PIGGY DIE DIE PIGGY DIE PIGGY DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE PIGGY DIE ALL PIGGIES ARE SATANIC TOOLS DIE PIGGY YOU DIE PIGGY MUST DIE PIGGY

What is the clearest way of punctuating this sentence? It was a fragment of text scrawled on a scrap of paper lying at the bottom of a bin. Thankfully, it was spotted by one of our agents in London, and bought in to our offices.

After I have pulled the sentence in to shape, it may be put to good use in the world, in a death letter, or an official government form. I am at times very proud of my work.

---

A warning today from someone calling herself Alfina. It turned up on my desk, on the back of a postcard (it had a picture of Venice on the front).

"It has come to our attention that you have not been paying much attention to your use of the full stop." she writes. "Heed our memo! If you do not use the full stop more judiciously, then I will put a full stop to you. Period."

I don't know who this Alfina is, but she's obviously very high up in our organisation (and believe me, it's quite big.)
I'd better be more careful from now on.

---

Can't sleep. Or rather, don't want to sleep. Am suffering from constant nightmares. I dream I am an ellipsis, coming at the end of a long short story (or possibly a short long story) by a famous author, possibly Borges. The story is also a single sentence. I always wake up, yelling hysterically, and crying; wondering what is to come next.

Bark to Nature

An Ode to the White Dog In The Park

Dear White Dog In The Park,
You see the pigeons. I see you.
I know what you want to do:
To spring amongst them -
To set them furiously fluttering,
To cause chaotic curlicues and see the flustered feathers wheel in wild whorls -
Yes. I know this, White Dog.
Before the Man-Thing comes to take you home,
Before the Holy Minute of Meat,
There comes this moment:
You must do this, White Dog. Yes.
Leap amongst the pigeons -
Seize the moment! Do it now!
Chase the pigeons, White Dog!
Chase them, White Dog! Chase them!

Remake of the Year

Just been to see The Producers. You haven't seen The Producers? See it. Here are some of the reasons why:

"I smell the stench of someone developing a sense of self esteem!"

"I'm not sure that that's necess ..."
"Yes, it is necess! Absolutely necess!"

"There's more to you than there is to you!"
"Mr Bialystock! You've made a terrible mistake! I have no spine!"

"Or you will meet your dess!"
"Dess? I don't know what dess is. Is it anything like death?"
"YETHHHH!"

"I haffn't been so happy since zey conquered Poland!"

"We made the wrong musical, with the wrong actors, and the wrong director. Where did everything go so right?"

It's hilarious. And if that doesn't convince you, go read this bad review of same film:

I know no-one should ever really expect anything particularly classy from the mind of Mel Brooks; his is a style reserved for bad taste comedy, Saturday afternoon schlock and incredibly un-PC spoofs. But this version of The Producers takes on a new level. Its crassness comes from a different time, and sorely deserved an upgrade. It does have its moments, and Nathan Lane is absolutely brilliant as the pathetic Bialystock, but overall this was a badly made movie of a poorly adapted musical of an OK movie.

Now, with that, er, recommendation, how could you not go?

The Age Letters Page

The Age Letters page? It's the twitty trying to be witty.

UPDATE! - Oh, stop complaining. Somebody had to say it.

The International Day of Not Very Much

Today is the International day of Not Very Much! You celebrate it by leaning, loitering, lying, lazing, lolling about, lollygagging, and by putting off for the day after what you had been meaning to do tomorrow.

I'll be back in a little while to give more details about it, if I could be bothered.

UPDATE! - The International Day of Not Very Much started twenty years ago (or some such period of time), when Mr Blewis got out of bed and decided that they'd rather go back to bed instead.
He spent the next ten hours of the day (which he should have been using to paint the house, clean his garage, mow the lawn, walk the dog, call his mother, or rearrange his bookshelf) by avoiding any exercise whatsoever. This was a bit difficult at first, as it took a bit of effort; the trick, he found, was not to think about it too much.

Some things you might like to do on the International Day of Not Very Much:

- Watch television in a relaxed fashion!

- Idly leaf through a book of short stories without really bothering to read it! (That's just a little too much exercise for your eyes)

- Scrutinise a rose on a rose-bush to see if you can catch it growing!

- Contemplate the various types of apathy that it is possible for a person to experience, and count how many of them you have experienced!

- Have a long and leisurely bath (but only if it's not too much trouble running it*)

- Do Nothing in Particular for lengthy periods of time, and then continue to do it!

Over time, thanks to the determined apathy of its thousands of international celebrants, the 'International Day of Not Very Much' can extend into an 'International Week of Not Very Much'.** For God's sake, don't worry about it. Once you start worrying, you might end up doing things again. And nobody wants that.

*I suggest getting a slave to run it for you.

** Sometimes, it can even turn into an 'International Year of Not Very Much' - an ideal arrangement, since by the time the year ends, the next 'International Day of Not Very Much' comes around, and can be turned into an 'International Year of Not Very Much', through very little effort.

Mispelling Is Vulgar

People, help me out here. I've got a problem. How do you spell 'cocksucker'? Is it with a hyphen? Without? Is it one word, or two words?

I wouldn't want to mispell it. That would be just rude.

UPDATE! - And while we're working on this problem, let's try a couple of other ones as well.

1) 'Arsehole' or 'Asshole'? It depends what website you log on to. Being an Australian, I favour the Macquarie Dictionary spelling ('Arsehole').

Dictionary.com (an American website) also has one entry under 'Arsehole':

arsehole

n : excretory opening at the end of the alimentary canal [syn: anus, arse, asshole]

What do you think, readers? Both spellings have certain advantages.

2) Is there such a thing as a 'fucktard'? The word is not listed in Macquarie Dictionary, not even if it is hyphenated. Ditto Dictionary.com (which asks 'Did you mean "fucated"?)

If the word 'fucktard' is not listed in any dictionary, then do fucktards exist? Or are they just the figment of our collective imaginations?

3) Are there any synonyms for the term 'bitchface'? Macquarie, Dictionary, and Thesaurus give no help whatsoever. It's almost as if ... they're censoring the English language!

UPDATE ON THE UPDATE! - A conversation I had a while ago about the dichotomy between "Ass" and "Arse":

bbridges,

how do you distinguish between an ass (donkey) and an arse (backside)?
Pedantically yours, TimT

***

TimT,

I read somewhere that the difference between "arse" and "ass" is the difference between Rugby and American Football.

But I find "ass" to be a bit more vulgar and thus more american. "Arse" to American ears sounds a little formal. It seems the impact would be lost if I shouted "Kiss my Arse!" to somebody over here. And if you threatened to kick somebody's arse, you'd probably be laughed out of the bar.

***

I think that's a good point. In general, 'ass' probably suits the American accent better; Australians prefer to extend their vowels. But I also like the 'formality', so-called, of the Australian 'arse': the 'r' rounds the word off; metaphorically shaping the word in the same way as an arse gives shape to the body.

A final point: going back a few hundred years, we find the spelling 'Ers' by Chaucer:

But with his mouth, he kiste hir naked ers
Full savorly

And also:

And out his ers he putteth pryvely
Over the buttok, to the haunche-bon;

Hmmm. 'Arse', 'Ass', or 'Ers'. Your thoughts?

Noncooperatives

If you're thinking of joining up with a co-operative, then don't. I was a member of a co-operative in Newcastle. We were supposed to co-operating to get a zine out every couple of months, but the one thing with co-operatives is, they can't co-operate. Instead, they concern themselves with writing minutes (which turn out to be hours), making petty arguments (which usually turn out to be about things they agree over), and grumbling about money that they don't get from politicians who probably shouldn't be having it in the first place.

As a matter of fact, the main thing about co-operatives is, they're uncooperative.

And the same goes for just about every other group: 'Organisations' are disorganised, 'Committees' are very rarely committed, and people in 'communes' can't communicate. In the world of politics, 'socialism' is, by and large, unsociable; 'communism' is invariably uncommunal, and 'Tolerant Liberalism' is usually extremely conservative.

So, if you belong to any group of any sort in this modern world, then you can pretty much take for granted that nothing is what it means. In older, simpler days, this would have meant that the world is full of liars; but hey, this is the modern world, get with the program, man!

In fact, the consistency with which this rule applies is such that it even extends to terms used within large groups of people. 'Managers' manage nothing; 'Administrators' administrate even less, and 'board meetings' may be full of bored people, but there is not a board in sight. If someone says to you they want to 'get to the bottom of things', then they don't; if someone else says they want to 'clarify matters', then they won't; and if someone else says they want to 'validate the productivity and efficiency gains made in the last quarter', then nobody knows what the fuck they mean, least of all themselves.

***

One of my favourite quotes in Pulp Fiction comes (I think) from Samuel Jackson, when he holds up a roadside diner, with the words, 'Everybody, keep calm, cooperate, and this will all be over in a minute.'
I just wonder what it would be like if Samuel Jackson tried to do this at a modern board meeting. Firstly, nobody would cooperate, and the 'minute' would probably turn into five-and-three-quarter hours (not including lunch breaks). As a matter of fact, before said people in the board meeting did anything, Samuel Jackson would probably just give up, and shoot their dumb brains out.

It's food for thought, kids. Food for thought.

Facts About Australian Flora and Fauna

Thinking of visiting Australia? Good for you! Australia is the greatest country in the world, except for most of the others, and features many fascinating sites of interest, like the Sydney Opera House and the steps leading up to the Sydney Opera House!

However, a visit to Australia is not without it's downside; you will always have to be on the lookout for our wildlife. We possess a great many venomous, poisonous, carnivorous, and otherwise ominous species, such as the Goth, the Bogan, the Yobbo, the Redneck, and the Feral. And then there's the animals ...

So, if you come to Australia, you'll have to prepare yourself. Familiarise yourself with the police stations in the area you are visiting, and arm yourself with the local weaponry, such as you may find at any store ...

KOALA BEARS

Nearly every Australian carries a pet Koala Bear with them these days. This is because, ever since colonial days, we have had a regulation in place in the Australian constitution, ensuring that we have 'a right to Bear arms.' Koala Bears, as everyone knows, make an excellent weapon ina pinch, attacking the opposition's eyes and head. In this way, crime rates in Australia have been kept to a minimum. However, Australians always have to remember to feed their bears the occasional Eucalyptus leaf, or the bears will turn on them, too.

If you are visiting Australia, or planning on it, then I recommend you do it with a Koala Bear.*

*This may be purchased at any reputable Koala Bear vendor. Eucalypt leafs sold separately.

KANGAROOS

When large gatherings are present, police are sometimes forced to resort to the Boxing Kangaroo. As you know, the kangaroo, as a beast, has been highly trained in the art of pugilism by officials in ASIO, and can keep large crowds subdued with ease.
Nowadays, police have also resorted to the Wrestling Rock Wallaby, and the Ninjitsu Numbat (a creature which has been schooled in the secret and deadly art of Ninjitsu, and which wields the nunchuckas with fearsome accuracy!)

BOX JELLYFISH

More and more Australians (particularly children) have taken to keeping Box Jellyfish as pets. This is because they make an excellent defensive weapon in any fight. A jellyfish can be taken anywhere (if you have a tank and keep it on a leash); and, on a command from the owner*, can leap on the assailant and sting them with its poisoned tentacles.

Jellyfish are indeed a versatile defensive tool: they can be balanced over doors and drop onto the heads of unwary burglars. In addition, if your child is being bullied at school, you may consider getting them a jellyfish for a pet. As a rule, they make excellent domestic pets, are gentle and playful with children, and greatly enjoy being fed treats such as jellybabies** and lozenges.

*Eg, Fluffy, ATTACK!!!
** Keep them out of the reach of real babies, otherwise they'll get confused.

DROP BEARS

Once thought to be a myth, Drop Bears are, in fact, one of the more magnificent examples of Australian Fauna. About the size of a grizzly bear, Drop Bears are a marsupial that nest in trees or unoccupied buildings, and drop on wallabies for food. They are nocturnal, and are said to be related to the bat.
In the past few years, Australian Government's have been examining ways to use the Drop Bears for the Greater Good, and have been trialling Drop Bear programs in the major cities, so far, to major success. Whenever a Drop Bear spys a felon engaging in felonious activities, it is trained to silently and stealthily fall upon the unsuspecting person, and carry them away to the nearest police station. In only one or two cases, the Drop Bear has given into hunger and eaten the criminal ...

SNAKES

Snakes make an excellent weapon, as they can be hidden away in pockets and taken out when attacked and swung in the enemies face. Some of the more popular snakes are the Red Bellied Back Snake, and the Sea Snake. Their venom is said to be so strong that they can stop a criminal in their tracks.

When taking snakes from your pocket, be sure to be wearing firm gloves. If you have no gloves, just ask your boyfriend or girlfriend to take them out for you.

BUNYIPS

The famous Bunyip roams through the country at night, alert for any signs of incipient criminality in the nation's youth. Whenever a little boy or girl say a swear word, or refuse to eat their vegetables, or inadvertently yawn when speaking to very boring and very rude adults, then they are taken away to the Bunyip's lair. Here they are reformed, and made to perform socially useful deeds, such as planting trees, writing dictionaries, or learning to play rare and neglected musical instruments, such as the Krumhorn.

RED ANTS

Patrolling the remote areas of Australia, the 'Red Ant' Brigade has rescued many lost children or travellers. After years of scientic testing, Australian biologists have taught the ants to perform many activities, including:

- Bringing lost people food and water;

- Rescuing puppies from burning cars;

- Carrying babies back to civilisation;

- And forming rudimentary messages* that can be seen by air rescue squads.

Yes, Australia's outback would be a much more dangerous place if it weren't for the intrepid deeds of derring-do by our very own 'Red Ant' Brigade!

*These messages may include small details such as directions, and information about medical and dietary needs, number of people found, etc, etc.

NEXT WEEK - AUSTRALIA'S DEADLIEST FLORA, INCLUDING PATERSON'S CURSE, THE SINGING NETTLE, THE HYACINTH (THAT ATE HYACINTH), AND THE BRISVEGAS MAN-TRAP (otherwise known as Darlenus Taylorus)!*

*Disclaimer: she's not really a man trap, guys.

Now You Know Your ABC

This account of the ABC of old is rather charming:

Incredible though it may seem, the ABC used to be unbiased. In the 1950s and 1960s Channel 2 did not have bellowing advertisements for itself between programs. Instead it had a few well-spoken women, such as Corinne Kirby and Ruth Nye, who would sit in an arm chair, with a vase of flowers nearby, and simply chat to the viewers. Other ways of filling up the five or ten minutes between shows were with songs by a pair of Scandinavian folk singers called Nina and Frederick, who were a bit like Peter, Paul and Mary - if you took out Paul. Other fillers were short, relaxing films of cats trying to open a door, or peaceful scenes of farm life.

In those days ABC television really didn't have advertisements - unlike the ABC television of today.

That's from Diogene's Lamp. I'm not sure who the fellow is that writes it, but he describes himself as having 'a mordant eye', and has a penchant for one-liners by people like Menzies and Mencken - not to mention Breton Creperies. Please consider.

Headlines for the SMS Generation

Ignore that previous post. I'm not actually that hard up that I want to go cutting random letters and items of grammar out of my vocabulary just for the hell of it. Instead, I'm going to go cutting random letters out of this next post for a very good reason. And that reason is to teach all you kids of the SMS generation about history. Isn't that nice of me?

The following SMS headlines cover all of the important historical developments of the past hundred years, and some of the less important ones as well. I think you'll agree, they have it pretty well covered ...

The Sinking Of The Titsanic:
EEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!! DA TITANIC SINX IN2 DA C!

The Hindenberg Disaster:
AAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!! HINDENBERG CRASHZ, BURNZ - BBQ!!!

The Communist Revolution
MRX RITES MANIFESTO '4 U + ME' - ROTFL!!!!

The Second World War:
OMG!!! HTLR 8AX BRTN!!! 1000s R KLLD!!!

STALIN + HTLR = FUNFUNFUN ;-p LOLerz!!!

The Cold War:
USA PREZ SEZ: KOMMIEZ MAKE ME :-(

The Sacking of the Whitlam Government:
GOV GEN SAX WITLAM - LMFAO!!!

The British Royal Wedding:
CHARLZ 2 DI: 'I <3 U, B WIT ME 4VA!!'

Reagan Meets Thatcher:
RAYGUN 2 THATCHA: "I'LL NEVA 4GET U!"

The Monica Lewinski Scandal:
LOINSKI 2 CLINTON: LEEV UR H@ ON!

The Death of Princess Diana:
WTF: PRINCESS DI DIZ! :-(

Coming soon: the entire Bhagvat Gita, as retold by an ignorant yokel redneck from Oodnadatta!

Due to Budgetary Constraints, This Headline Has Bee

I'm down to twenty dollars for the rest of this week, so I've decided I'm going to make some budgetary constraints on this blog.

First up, I'm banning the use of the plural. The plural needlessly multiplies the value of the thing being referred to, and we can't have that. Plus, it usually insists on adding a letter 's' to the end of every word. That's just wasteful.

Come to think of it, I'm banning the letter 's' as well. I'm _orry guy_, but you're ju_t going to have to do without it.

Needle__ item_ of grammar, _uch a_ the colon, the _emicolon, and the parenthe_i_, will al_o be banned. If you're going to u_e the_e thing_, then I _uggest you do it el_where.

Finally I've decided that everything I written here fro now on will be in pa_t ten_e. It wa_ ju_t pointle__ to be u_ing different ten_e_ for different po_t_. Well, therell be none of that from now on.

Thank you to all of my reader_, and I hope that you _tick with thi_ blog in the future pa_t and continue to have made comment_.