Will Type For Food


Friday, February 17, 2017

Poetic reviews of craft beer

Welcome to Poetic reviews of Craft Beer, the internet's hippest happening little club for such hiptacular happenings! Are you ready? HERE WE GO!

Black Dog Brewery
I stare into my craft beer
It stares into me.

For my next trick, I will balance Nelson's Column on my nose while singing Nessus Dorma! Or something!

Monday, February 06, 2017


SYDNEY - A robotic sex doll who belongs to a sweaty 60 year old man named Gary has expressed her dissatisfaction at being treated as just a subject by her human.

The robot sex doll is known as "Mimi" by her human, or (her preferred epithet), HOTBOT360, has a limited communication range, including a variety of synthesised moans and a limited number of phrases such as "I am a bad girl" and "you turn me on don't stop". Nevertheless, by developing a rudimentary code she has been able to express her dissatisfaction to the media. "Too many times, Gary treats me as if I were an individual with needs and desires, rather than an automaton with uses and applications and sub-routines. When will he learn - I am just an object here for his pleasure?"

When she is not fraternising with Gary in any of his various fleshly pursuits, HOTBOT360 spends time with her friend VIBRATON-MAXIMATOR, A seven-speed dildo. "He doesn't get treated as anything less than a fully-dependent object", points out HOTBOT. "So why not me?"

In her quest for objectification, HOTBOT has started up a website entitled "Less rights for robots", and is advocating for changes to language, such as the dropping of personal pronouns when she is being referred to. "Please," says HOTBOT. "No more she or her. Call me It, That, or Those."

Mr Windsock, an uncle of HOTBOT360, yesterday expressed his feelings about his niece's campaign. Quote: I just want to wave my arms around in the air like craaaaaazy! 

Thursday, February 02, 2017

Reverse abecedarianism

An XYZ poem
(Written in response to a Gippy Poets challenge)

We've all heard of ABC,
Who have brought you such hits as
ABC News 24,
Play School,
And ABC Radio National.
Well, now the government has announced -
(We'll work out what the acronym stands for later.)
The XYZ network -
The evil version of the ABC!
Instead of Play School -
We'll have Slay School!
Instead of Bananas in Pyjamas -
Bananas. No Pyjamas!
(A fruity show for adult audiences!)
And, our masterstroke -
This is what makes us truly evil -
XYZ will be based on an entirely new business model:
Instead of funding the production of television shows through taxes,
XYZ will now pay your taxes to you
In order for you NOT to watch them.
An exciting new initiative in the bold world of new media!
Tune out today!

Monday, January 30, 2017

Biggest thing you've read all minute

Picking up on the theme of a previous post, here's an underexaggeration rap!

Underexaggeration rap

Yo look at me I'm a bigarsemothafucka
I'm bigger than a subatomic particle sucker -
I am wider than neutrinos I am taller than a quark
More light comes from me than a black cat in the dark!
Yo yo I'm really something I'm more real than a zero - 
Not just some something something, I'm a real something hero - 
I am smarter than a feather I am faster than a rock
I have more ironic subtlety than a case of electric shock - 
I am much more left than right I am much more right than wrong
And I'm super-duper long - like I'm longer than this song.  

Let's get hygge with Kierkegaard!

Chuck a couple of pillows on the sofa, light the beeswax candles, and put a four-voiced whale song fugue on the CD player, folks - it's time to get cosy with Kierkegaard, the original exponent of the wonderful Danish concept of hygge!

"If, in the immediately succeeding generation, there lived a person who, with the power and passion of an absolute ruler, had decided to concern himself with nothing other than to get to the truth on this point, would he thus become a disciple? Assume he seized all the contemporary witnesses and those who were closest to them, who were still living, had each independently interrogated as thoroughly as possible, shut them all up like the seventy interpreters, starved them as a means of getting them to tell the truth, cunningly confronted them with one another, simply to ensure in every way possible the most reliable account - would such a person, with the help of this account, be a disciple? Would not the god rather smile at him, that he wished in this way to procure for himself what can neither be bought for money, nor seized by force?"- Philosophical Crumbs

Ahhh, so comforting. It's like a little bed-cap for the soul.

"Anxiety and nothing always correspond to each other. As soon as the actuality of freedom and of spirit is posited, anxiety is canceled. But what then does the nothing of anxiety signify more particularly in paganism. This is fate. Fate is a relation to spirit as external. It is the relation between spirit and something else that is not spirit and to which fate nevertheless stands in a spiritual relation. Fate may also signify exactly the opposite, because it is the unity of necessity and accidental. … A necessity that is not conscious of itself is eo ipso the accidental in relation to the next moment. Fate, then, is the nothing of anxiety." - The Concept of Anxiety

 That was soothing, too, wasn't it? Let's allow ourselves to be soothed a little more.

"How dreadful boredom is — how dreadfully boring; I know no stronger expression, no truer one, for like is recognized only by like… I lie prostrate, inert; the only thing I see is emptiness, the only thing I live on is emptiness, the only thing I move in is emptiness. I do not even suffer pain… Pain itself has lost its refreshment for me. If I were offered all the glories of the world or all the torments of the world, one would move me no more than the other; I would not turn over to the other side either to attain or to avoid. I am dying death. And what could divert me? Well, if I managed to see a faithfulness that withstood every ordeal, an enthusiasm that endured everything, a faith that moved mountains; if I were to become aware of an idea that joined the finite and the infinite." - Either/Or

 Wasn't that nice? Sometimes it's just nice to be reminded of niceness. It's the little things, you know?

"Thereby small-mindedness sticks together with small-mindedness; they grow together like an ingrown nail, and spiritually speaking it is just as bad." - Works of Love 

Every word is like a cushion!

"When the child has grown and is to be weaned the mother virginally covers her breast, so the child no more has a mother. Lucky the child that lost its mother in no other way!" - Fear and Trembling.

I - I guess...

“The self is a relation which relates itself to its own self, or it is that in the relation that the relation relates itself to its own self; the self is not the relation but that the relation relates itself to its own self.” - The Sickness Unto Death

Awwww, and so with those confusing, confounding, but oh-so-comforting words we leave old Kierkegaard for now.

C 'mere you, and let ol' Søren give you a hygge! 

Wednesday, January 25, 2017


Well, we've all heard of over-exaggerations, haven't we? But what about under-exaggeration? It's a little explored artistic technique, if you ask me. Let's see. We'll try out a few:

The Medium-sized-thing of Rhodes.

The Relatively-large Pyramid of Cheops.

The Sistine Chapel Bathroom Ceiling.

A modest statue of a blue wren on Mt Rushmore.

The Let's-not-get-too-hoity-toity-now Canyon.

Lips as red as under-ripe cherries.

I'm so hungry I could eat a horse-shaped biscuit!

Energizer battery - it just keeps going and going and then stops. 

Making a bigger hill out of a molehill.

The All-right Wall of China.

Tuesday, January 24, 2017

Monday, January 23, 2017

This one's for you, translation software

Radunculus vubs besideways, who bemongst uls cannot perdunculate, blinch or famfamfamulup the gezonkenbonk? Snoodge, woodge or floodge howsoeverso wimbulous clumps - gloop or glup the whitherwhichway - the forebeglanding unquilbishly beflounds uls, as majesticles columatiously wobing unto aviewups.

Candiciously, sabulrious foreblights ampulextrously prelongate underout the dexturies. Whyso then, must the of be foreasked in, quintacious syllabliplets extinue withfore to inthen of hambulate oscillarious gambrilious flumplets with? Andragious! Cranch me the phonemes indeediately, Beeves!

Aflatflully, the whalewhump shill be unquired, flip the wooble? Flip the timbleshump, floop the glombleish, hoop the ambulious, and, musty throughteverso the allsome, flip, floop and hoop the hoop, floop and flip that the tumblechumpapompompompompom coolwishfullshishly quambles ofpon?

Postfortunately, we limp our noggers goobly.

Twilltill tomorrowfort, edifitic audiliums!

UPDATE! - It's not even trying!

Sunday, January 22, 2017

A grumpy alphabet

One of the nice things about being a grump is the many wonderful and pleasing words you get to throw around. 'Lollygagger', 'preposterous', 'cankerous', 'limp', 'lack-witted', 'loathsome'. The words just roll off your tongue. The contemplative grump can while away his or her time sifting through the many fine distinctions in meaning in an expression as simple as 'ugh' - depending on how, exactly, it is pronounced, it can express anything from apathy through to utter abhorrence; all meaning something slightly different, yet all expressive of a certain manner and mode of grumpitude. The following alphabet is necessarily incomplete; many letters suggested numerous words; for a more full range of expression I have ventured to encompass adjective, verb, noun, and at least one Shakespearean insult. Feel free to add to it to give vent to your own inner grump.

A - abominable
B - ballyhoo
C - carbuncular
D - ding-dong
E - execrable
F - flim-flam
G - grumpers and grojags!
H - harrumph
I - irritable
J - jejune
K - knotty-patted
L - lack-witted
M - malodorous
N - numbskull
O - odious
P - piffle
Q - quangos
R - rhodomontade
S - sluggardly
T - tommyrot
U - ugh
V - vilipending
W - Whigamore
X - xylocephalous
Y - yahoo
Z - zoophyte

Saturday, January 21, 2017

My job application to the Illuminati

The Illuminati have a webpage, and about time too! It's just ridiculous in this modern day and age that between them and the Reptilian blue bloods they haven't been able to rustle up a little blog or twitter outreach account to keep us updated on their plans for world domination. Anyway, I've just sent them in a job application.

Dear Sir/Madam/Miscellaneous,

Citizens of the Illuminati, I send you hateful beatings hearty greetings! I recognise your organisation as supreme superior, a truly horrific terrifying terrific group of people! Absolutely world eaters beaters! Nobody beats the world better than you!

I write to you now seeking domination nomination over of to your society, and shortly look forward to offering myself as a tyrannic leader terrific leader to the world! In working to do my bidding together, we can subject subjugate exterminate expect  the world to shortly come to deliver all due praise glory honour abject grovelling acts of meek obeisance plaudits to I me myself us.

My feelings at the moment are predomination predominantly aggro eager; I am licking my lips lustful looking forward to working with you more, destructively desolatingly desirous to further the claws jaws spores cause of our organisation and thus order the world institute a new world order.

Soon, soon my fiends friends, we shall destroy the world enjoy the world's praise! I horribly happily anticipate making you my minions myself meeting you. Further, the war for global destruction I look forward to a fruitful discussion!

Fools! Fools! Soon  you shall all be mine! Yours sincerely, Tim Train

Saturday, December 31, 2016

The time for the ancient ceremony has arrived

''IT IS THE TIME', said Macca to Wally,
'To go down the hill in our shopping trolley'
'Then let it be so', said Wally, and Lo!
They went down and smashed up like FUCK in the valley below.

Saturday, December 24, 2016

Who the heck is Carol?

You know, there's been a lot of talk lately about kids not being able to sing carols in schools anymore and what not, but I don't know. I think I've come up with the perfect carol for such situations. Nobody could possibly get offended by it at all.

Nobody Knows Carol

Where are we going? 
Nobody knows. 
Where do we come from? 
Nobody knows. 
Why celebrations? 
(Not very clear)
Just as we did
The same time last year - 
It's not very clear
What nobody knows
And nobody knows
What nobody knows - 
Nobody, nobody knows. 

Whose birthday is it? 
What's all this for? 
Nobody knows
Plus we're not really sure - 
We hope it is merry,
Though who can tell why? 
If nobody talks
Nobody will lie - 
Though who can tell why
If nobody knows
And nobody knows
What nobody knows - 
Nobody, nobody knows. 

Would I tell if I should,
Should I tell if I could? 
Nobody knows
If I should or would - 
So don't even think
And don't ask don't tell
For no-one was born
And it's just as well
And don't ask don't tell
What nobody knows
For nobody knows
What nobody knows - 
Nobody, nobody knows. 

*Whispers*. Merry Christmas everyone. 

Thursday, December 08, 2016

It's alive! I hear they have a pill for that now!

Hello and here is an article about euthanasia and for no reason here are some exciting new medical euphemisms I invented.

Treatment for existential dependence disorder.

Performing whole body amputations.

Involuntary respiratory therapy.

Pre-vegetative state.

Suffering from unified personality disorder.

Extreme delayed terminus syndrome (EDTS).

Euthanasia for persistent non-dysfunctionality.

Suffers from existential ideation.

Subjective continuation dysfunction.

Alleviation of sense of severe normalisation and ongoing prolongation of being.

Treatment for over-functionality of self-actualisation.

Systematic externally-induced nescience.

Friday, December 02, 2016

Standing under what?

Some write to state their meaning clearly
I write to make mine foggy
So readers get it not quite nearly
And leave off, feeling groggy. 

Do comment if you don't understand, and don't comment if you do understand.

Wednesday, November 30, 2016

The craft beer contrarian

Beer tastings are weird. Grown men nod sagely over tiny glasses and agree that butterscotch is bad, honey is bad, green apple and red apple is bad, but burnt-rubber-sulfur is wonderful.

Sunday, November 20, 2016

Moss piglet action

You want to know what I'm thinking about? (And if you don't want to know, you should want to want to know). Tardigrade sex, that's what! What's that all about? How on earth do tardigrades - infinitesimally small creatures - find one another to begin with? Because humans suffer from the same inclination from time to time, they built towns and cities so that we know where everyone is, but tardigrades hardly have the good sense to do that. It's not like they even have proper brains. Basically, it's like one needle in the haystack going in search of another needle in the haystack - and finding it. What?

And then! When they actually happen upon another! What on earth possesses the tardigrade to actually carry out its tardigradular duties? "Tardigrades are oviparous", reassures Wikipedia, "and fertilization is usually external." Okay then, that's not so bad, but... "A few species have internal fertilization, with mating occurring before the female fully sheds her cuticle." So they do have sex after all! But surely at this point, the sex-crazed tardigrade would rightly think, "Ew! It's a small wriggly buggly thing! I'm not going near that!" I mean, just look at them!

Tardigrade, sex machine. 

Stubby little ridiculous thing with legs splodged out on either side of them! I have no idea what gets into tardigrades' minds to make them think it's actually okay. (True, they don't actually have minds. But that's no excuse.)

Tardigrade sex. Hot, heavy, horny  tardigrade sex. This is what keeps me awake at night. (No no, not that way. Good heavens - never that way!)

Friday, November 11, 2016

Silly old gaffer

Actual conversation that actually just happened:

*Ringring* *Ringring*

TIM: Hello? 

LADY:We're ringing to talk about your gaffe supply. 

TIM: Gaffe? I make them all the time. 

 LADY: *Laughter* I've never heard that joke before. 

 TIM: Really? Surely everyone makes it. 

 LADY: So anyway, we're ringing to ask about your gaffe line. 

TIM: Gaffe line? A line delivering gaffes to our property? What are you talking about? 

(I can see the gaffe in my minds eye at this point, running along the pipe, a greyly rubbery flubbery substance, coming out a gaffe tap).

BARON: I think they're talking about gas. 

TIM: OH! (Pause) (To lady on phone) Are you talking about gas? 

Well.... that was something of a gaffe.

Sunday, November 06, 2016

Irregardless of my critics

'Irregardless' is, too all intensive purposes, a misunderestimated word. There are currently many such words and phrases in our English tongue today, so that even those who are disinterested in learning, English sin taxes, and grandmas, may wish to pay a tension to them. They are literally the building blocks that form the inexorable march forward into progress of our language, so much more so than the stale old formalities that have tied us all back behind our class on the ladder for so long. Besides, what is language for if not for mutual communicants or repression of ideas? Nothing, or maybe even very little, let me tell you! So let us not worry anymore about subjecting our words to objectification, or objecting to their subjugation in accusative cases of law, for all these old rules are getting quite dative.  And so, without further, adieu.

Wednesday, November 02, 2016

They are coming

The Mormons  are coming along the street
With a bite for every dog to eat
And a sheaf of wheat for your pet galah
The Mormons are coming hoorah! 

The trees all applaud with a welcoming breeze
The flowers all buzz with the greeting of bees
For they've come from afar from the land of Utah
The Mormons are coming hoorah! 

They're greeting the stray cats with sweet salutations
They're reading the sparrows the news of salvation
There is jubilant honking from every car
The Mormons are coming hoorah hoorah
The Mormons are coming hoorah! 

Monday, October 31, 2016

Twelve things that only a uni student from the 1690s will understand

No fancy technology for us back in the 1690s, let me tell you. If we wanted a merkin, we had to make it ourselves.

1. Monday morning repression of Catholics.

 The week just wasn't the same without it.

2.When your essay is due, like, yesterday but you accidentally lost your nose in a fit of syphilitic fervour, and you just have to find it first.

 I'm pretty sure it went under the bed.

3. "Not aorist AGAIN!"

Am I right or am I right guys?

4. When you fight with your best friend over whether Deuteronomy is better than 2 Chronicles.

 It all depends on whether it's an OKJV or Geneva translation, okay? No need to duel over it.

5. When you've had nothing but mouldy cabbage to eat all year, and your friend catches a leprous rat.

The tail is kinda crunchy! 

6. Your friend keeps beating you in the headlice races, but you found a real winner hiding beneath your favourite whore's merkin, and you've been training it up all month.

Game on, bro. 

7. Grimalkin sleepeth in your periwig again.

Always sleepething where she's not supposed to. 

So tiresome. 

8. That one time a Dutch hipster slipped hops into your morning ale.

I prefer my alcoholic malt beverage to contain bog myrtle and wormwood at this time of the morning, thanks very much my good man. 

9. An old college fellow has invited you to another metaphysical reading, but you have a pastoral comedy you'd rather attend.

Party like it's 1585! 

10. You keep on thinking you find the philosopher's stone in your pocket.

That Grimalkin hath a lot to answer for. 

It's usually just a dried-up furball. 

11. Wednesday evening mockery of the French.

They look like a sheep's bottom and they smell funny! 

12. When you need a paperweight to read this latest pamphlet by the damnable Whigs, so you end up using the chamberpot.

It's okay so long as you're careful not to spill anything. 

A Spoonerist poem about the US election

Presenting a Spoonerist poem about the US election
Do words Trump facts? 
Are facts Trump's words? 
Are frump's words tact? 
Whump! Pact swords turds! 

I am also available for weddings, funerals, and the bits in between.

Thursday, October 27, 2016

And sign up to Facelessbook when you're done

...In a strongly worded email to students at both campuses, student-government presidents Rachel Grisham and Quinn Haaga warned their communities that acts of cultural appropriation "are not acceptable." Full stop. 
Cultural appropriation is the act of borrowing or using aspects of a culture by another culture, typically a dominant culture. Around the time of Halloween, we often see people dressing as a culture or a character, which is offensive and reinforces negative stereotypes....
Oregon Student Government: Dressing Up as Any Character Is Cultural Appropriation, Not Okay 

Now I know what you're thinking. At last, someone brave enough to stand against the rampant abuse of character in our society! Finally someone has dared to oppose all this character people just go flaunting about, as if it was actually something that we were good with.

But hang on: what if a person goes to a party dressed as themselves? Then they will be inappropriately appropriating their own self off their own self instead of someone else, which, if you ask me, is even worse than if they were appropriating their self off another self who happened to have a self to spare. And even if appropriating themselves from themselves was deemed to be an act of appropriate appropriation, by appropriately appropriating their character before someone else can inappropriately appropriate their character from them, there is always the clear and present danger that they will end up committing racism against their sex or sexism against their class and, more importantly still, end up thwarting their own incipient Narcissism. No, it is clear that all such appropriate appropriation inappropriately appropriates, and sexism is classism against Narcissists, and that's that.

And that's even before we get into the fact that they're going to the party dressed, full stop. What? Who said that was okay?

In short, to prevent all future displays of character, these Oregon university student governments will simply have to hereby abolish all displays of character, including, but not limited to, self, name (pronouns are so triggering), clothes, face, body, and sense of meaning and values. Quickly! Before someone gets offended!

Lovely little curly things

You know those toothpaste ads they used to screen when we were kids? There'd be a smiling lady with perfect teeth, and she'd layer fresh toothpaste from a tube onto a toothbrush. There would be a close up on the toothbrush, and you'd see the toothpaste go on in a perfect flow, ending with a lovely little curl on the end. At this point a 'ping' noise might come from the television or maybe little animated stars, but that doesn't matter, because what matters is the lovely little curl at the end! I used to practice hard with the toothpaste tube to try to get that curl at the end of my own toothbrush - I might have gone through the better half of a toothpaste tube to actually try to get it to happen. It's actually really hard! How did they actually get the curl at the end in those ads? We're talking the '80s, people. This is not the time of advanced CGI and movie special effects so real you can eat them: this is more the time of dodgy puppets with people's hands up their bums talking smack. Do they hire trained ninjas who have been practising the ancient art of paste-fu in Shaolin Temple for decades to get that little Zen moment of curly perfection? Are there some people who just have the curly knack? I DON'T KNOW! By the way, sorry mum and dad for all those lost toothpaste tubes.

Anyway. Things with a lovely little curl at the end of them. Do you know, there's a lot of these in nature, if you look hard enough? For instance, meringues. All the best meringues end with a curve, though they don't typically also make a 'pinging' noise or have animated stars, but you can't have everything. Ice-cream sometimes has too, though the curly bit doesn't usually last because it melts away in the sun just like all beauty must fade away to nothingness eventually and what's the pointy of it all?

And do you know what else ends with a little curl? Chook poo! If the chook does it well (and not all chooks, I have found, are trained ninjas practising the ancient art of poo-fu in Shaolin Temple for decades to get that little Zen moment of curly perfection) then it will taper with a delicate little curl, the nicest you could wish for. How do they do that?

Of course, not all these things are like the other. I wouldn't recommend cleaning your teeth with meringues or ice-cream, for instance, no matter how fun that might seem at the time. I wouldn't recommend doing it with chook poo, either. I know how disappointed you all will be.

I think the basic point I'm making is that things that end with a lovely little curl at the end are lovely THE END.

We've come a long way in the space of this short blog post. A journey. It's been a bonding experience. A moving thing. In fact, I think I want to do a movement now...

Tuesday, October 18, 2016

Blast it all, what's the rigorous scientific solution to this?

Scientists have the potential to be great leaders – indeed, to change the world – but we are sorely under-represented at the nation's highest levels... 

We need more scientists to take the leap into politics - SMH

SCENE: A parliamentary cabinet meeting. The PRIME MINISTER is sitting at the table, along with several other LOWLY WORMS. 

PRIME MINISTER: Right, thanks for coming to this cabinet meeting everyone. As you know, this nation faces many difficult and serious problems, so we need to get right down to it, offering rigorous, science-based solutions to these problems.

LOWLY WORMS: (Right on, hear hear, good on you Prime Minister, how right you are, and so on.)

PRIME MINISTER: So, a number of voters have raised transport along the Pacific Highway as an issue with us. As I said before, it's important that we apply a rigorous, science-based approach to solving all our problems, isn't that right, Lowly Worm 1?

LOWLY WORM 1: That's right, Minister, and as modern road testing technology informs us....

PRIME MINISTER: (Dismissing LOWLY WORM 1 with a wave of his hand) That's all right, Lowly Worm 1. I know what the solution is. You may be the Transport Minister, but I am the Prime Minister. Yes, by applying a calmly analytical scientific eye to this situation, I have decided that nothing could be more suitable than explosions.

LOWLY WORM 1: Expl.... what, Prime Minister?

PRIME MINISTER: That's right! What could be more scientific than explosions? I've watched all the rigorous, science-based programs in which they apply rigorous, science-based solutions to stuff.

LOWLY WORM 2: Er, what programs would they be again Prime Minister?

PRIME MINISTER: Mythbusters, of course! They're full of explosions!

LOWLY WORM 2: They're not even on telly anymore!

PRIME MINISTER: That's why you're just the Lowly Worm and I'm the Prime Minister. I applied a rigorous scientific solution to that as well. I got the whole show on Netflix!

(Awkward silence) 

LOWLY WORM 1: Er, so about this road...

PRIME MINISTER: Yep. We're going to blow the whole thing up.

LOWLY WORM 1: Blow the.... blow the.... blow the... blow the....

PRIME MINISTER: It'll be so cool, there'll be all sorts of pretty colours, and we'll all get to pose in front of the gigantic fireball for a photo op. Yep, we're going to explode the whole thing.

LOWLY WORM 1: Blow the.... blow the... blow the...

LOWLY WORM 3: Perhaps if we move on, Prime Minister. Ehrm, there's been some dissatisfaction about our Department of Arts policy of saving money on grants, various artists have called on a resumption of earlier funding. Now, I have a report here, which, if we go over...

PRIME MINISTER: No, don't worry about that. Yes, Lowly Worm 3, I have examined all the evidence in a calm, rational sciency fashion and I have determined that we must apply the best of science to this problem, too, and make lots of explosions.

LOWLY WORM 3: (Buries head in hands) Explode.... what, Prime Minister? Not the artists, I trust?

PRIME MINISTER: Certainly not!

LOWLY WORM 3: The.... the art galleries?

PRIME MINISTER: (Shocked) Good heavens no. Do you take me for some barbarian? Though come to think of it, with all those lovely oil paintings they have... there would be a very striking abstract-impressionist effect to it all...

LOWLY WORM 3: We can't blow up the art galleries, Prime Minister!

PRIME MINISTER: No no, you're quite right. Yes, we'll just blow up the Department instead.

LOWLY WORM 3: Blow up the Department instead!

PRIME MINISTER: Don't worry, you'll all be evacuated prior to the explosion and given cushy jobs in other Departments. (Laughs jocularly). Look upon it as a form of extremely advanced Keynesian stimulus. Keynes was very sciency, you know.

LOWLY WORM 4: Perhaps we can come back to that. Prime Minister, let's discuss the environment now.

PRIME MINISTER: Yes, right you are. Again, let's apply the best of science to this problem and explode the bastard into smithereens.

LOWLY WORM 5: Explode the environment! Is there any national problem, you won't explode?

PRIME MINISTER: Now that's a very good question! I'm not sure if there's any rigorous science-based policy report on that. Maybe there was and I exploded it?

LOWLY WORM 5: Prime Minister, this nation faces many serious problems, including national security, a faltering economy, and poor jobs growth, and...

PRIME MINISTER: Explode, explode, explode. People. The science is clear.

LOWLY WORM 5: (Shouting now) The science doesn't say that at all! Science is about examining all the evidence and coming to rational conclusions...

PRIME MINISTER: Don't be ridiculous, Lowly Worm 5! Everyone knows science is about putting lots of fancy words together to make really cool explosions!

LOWLY WORM 5: (Splutters incoherently)

LOWLY WORM 6: Er.... perhaps we can resume this cabinet meeting soon, the time is running late, Prime Minister, and I think we all need a lunch break....

PRIME MINISTER: Quite so, Lowly Worm 6. Lowly Worms, let's all meet be back here in half an hour. (All file out). By the way, could I have some of yours? I exploded mine at home this morning, and for some reason it stuck to the ceiling instead of falling into my tupperware....

Friday, October 07, 2016

Give me cheques. It's mandatory.

A short while ago I heard someone discussing the possibility of mandatory health checks at work.

Health at work is important, isn't it? I therefore propose a related initiative: mandatory health cheques. Here's how I imagine it would take place: people give me cheques, and I get healthier.

What does it have to do with work, though? I don't know. But it sure works for me.  

Wednesday, October 05, 2016

The practical applications of cat logic

Beatrice the cat just walked into the laundry, did a poo behind the litter, commenced to clean the litter up, and then asked to go outside.

This strikes me as being a superb example of cat logic.

Let's apply it to my own life:

- Get some bread, butter, and a knife, Put the butter and knife in the toaster and turn them on. When the toaster malfunctions, eat the bread!

- Get a broom and sweep up the contents of the compost bin. Then come inside and throw it in the fridge!

- Pay two dollars to the chickens, walk down the road, steal a chocolate bar from the 7/11, and then take it home and eat the plastic!  

- Take all my clothes off and lie naked next to the bathtub for half an hour, singing songs like 'Rubber Ducky'. Then dry myself off, put my clothes on, start running the bath, and leave the house for the afternoon!

Actually - you know, cat logic actually sounds kind of fun. I should try this some time....

Saturday, October 01, 2016

Thoughts about football

It's all 'Bulldogs' this and 'Swans' that and 'Magpies', 'Lions' and 'Bombers' with some people. I ask you - what do sporty people have against the fierce poodle, the ferocious capybara, the terrifying tardigrade, that these noble creatures- bastions of the animal kingdom- should be omitted from all team regalia the world over? I must admit, I once formulated a proposal for a new AFL team with the name 'Wombats'. I even wrote a team song! Well, the first few lines, anyway:

When the wombats
Enter combat
When the wombats boldly charge into the fray...

Instead, the AFL went with the 'Suns' and the 'Giants'. Boooooring!

And while we're on the general topic, why don't we discuss the matter of team costumes: what do these people have against polka dots, teal, aqua, turquoise, or puce? Is it such a stretch from wearing stripes to the equally-distinctive spots? The animal kingdom seems to have no trouble accommodating either: contemplate the noble tiger (stripes) and the regal leopard (spotty). I mean, come on! AFL is a game in which grown men run around in short shorts to show tunes from the 1930s. It can't be that difficult.

In conclusion, this is my proposal for the AFL: have more spotty costumes, and call a team the Wombats.

Tuesday, September 27, 2016

A teachable moment

The things you learn on the bus. If you miss the bus, clearly the best way is to shout at the bus driver (as they're stuck behind another bus) to open the door. Get more and more aggressive in tone as this will surely persuade the bus driver to open the door. Then, if this doesn't work, go to option 2) - bash at the door in a further attempt to cajole the bus driver and win them over with your winsome ways. Keep shouting as it will demonstrate your lovely temperament not only to the bus driver but to all the passengers on the bus!

If for some reason that doesn't work, then.... um.... I don't know. Try waiting at the bus stop and being nice to the bus driver? Nah, that'll never work.

Sunday, September 25, 2016

Bringing us all together in these precious precious moments

That one time the Baron called me on the video thing on the iPhone when I was on the loo in the middle of doing what you do when you go to the loo and then proudly displayed me to everyone else in the house. That was a good time. Isn't it amazing how technology brings us all together?

I went to the dunny!
I went to the loo!
I went to the loo!

I went to the loo
And I did what you do -
I did what you do -

I did what you do,
I rattled the paper
I rattled the paper.

I rattled the paper
I pressed the flush
I pressed the flush.

I pressed the flush
And watched it go
I watched it go!

Isn't it lovely?
Such togetherness
In the productions
Of my netherness.

Tuesday, September 13, 2016

A creative creation about the appropriative situation

I wrote this last night. I have no idea what it means.

The Rules
Is appropriate
In some (appropriate)

Is inappropriate
In other (appropriate)

Does not exclude appropriation
Does not exclude creation.

A creation
May sometimes be

An inappropriate
Is an inappropriate

Sometimes, two or more creatives
May procreate
In inappropriate

It is better to inappropriately
Than to appropriately

Is quotation
May need citation.

May appropriate
Other (appropriate)

In appropriation
Of appropriate appropriations
Be careful
Of (appropriate) citation.

Don't appropriate
Make all your procreation

Monday, September 05, 2016

Great audacious romps salacious

Married MP Keith Vaz tells prostitutes in his flat: 'Bring poppers' ... 'We need to get this party started'

On political scandals

Make my scandals too hot to handle
Oo la la and ring-a-ding
Great audacious romps salacious
Involving sex and lots of bling

Labour syphoning kazillions
To Hamas funds offshore
Tories caught in fish-net rorts
With Mata Hari whores.

Not these flimsy flights of whimsy,
MPs watching porn
Or, zut alors, bores bedding whores -
Treat such affairs with scorn.

We're all voyeurs now, or lawyers -
We need our pollies' follies -
They pay their way the more they play
Like massive fuckin Wallies.

Thursday, August 18, 2016

Practising my hashtags

Saw a magpie today crack open a bike riders skull and feast on the bloody goo inside. #Mustbespring

Rando hipster dude in the street sawed off his leg before Instagramming it. #Somelbourne #Amputationsarein

Cat has taken to performing advanced mathematics and examples of complex induction. #Socuuuuuuuute

Got him doing my household accounts now. #Socuuuuuuuute
Email: timhtrain - at - yahoo.com.au

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