Will Type For Food



kidattypewriter

Thursday, August 18, 2016

Practising my hashtags

Saw a magpie today crack open a bike riders skull and feast on the bloody goo inside. #Mustbespring

Rando hipster dude in the street sawed off his leg before Instagramming it. #Somelbourne #Amputationsarein

Cat has taken to performing advanced mathematics and examples of complex induction. #Socuuuuuuuute

Got him doing my household accounts now. #Socuuuuuuuute

Sunday, August 14, 2016

The most racist post in the history of this post

America! Land of many fine cryptic crossword clues, and a gigantic hole in the ground second to none! Long have I admired the rugged untamed contours of your television sets, and your animals aren't bad either! But another thing that Americans like to eat is food, and that food is, if not better, worse or, above all, equal, to food in the rest of the world. In this post, I would like to present two underwhelming American food trends that seem to have caught on in the rest of the world (by which I mean Melbourne).

1. Batch brewed coffee
Instead of brewing coffee individually per the requirements of the customer, batch-brewed coffee is brewed the night before to be forced upon the unsuspecting customer the day after. Batch brewed coffee is great, explained one website, because it ensures greater consistency and it's something that, by definition, you do in bulk! Which is to say it has cost benefits for cheapskate cafe-owners but is actually a shithouse deal for actual coffee drinkers.

2. Donuts
Donuts have to be my absolute favourite food stuff that has a hole in it. Cheezels aren't bad either. (And actually while we're on that subject, don't you think - paradoxically - the presence of a hole in donuts actually makes them taste better?) But while donuts are a simple food to do well, I so frequently find them done badly. Donuts should be served piping hot, almost right out of the deep frying vat. Only a few toppings or fillings are necessary: they should be dunked in sugar or cinnamon-sugar, and also acceptable are the jam-filled donuts (also dunked in cinnamon-sugar). And Melbourne does this perhaps better than any other city in the world; hot jam donuts are sold just down the road from me at a van at the Preston Markets. The fact that this delicacy can - and is - sold in its proper form by greasy old men in dodgy vans at the footy should underscore the fact: this food is so easy to do well. So why do we find, in our fair city, an infiltration of donuts which are not done well at all? Instead of hot, sugar covered, jam filled donuts, we find the far inferior cold, mushy, confectionary-coated donut increasingly sold all over the place - the sort that Homer drools over in episode after episode of The Simpsons. These are donuts designed to be photographed (therein the secret of their success lies - cheap publicity). In order to get all that colourful confectionary on, the donut must be cold (or it would all melt): but when cold, the donut very quickly goes stale, and renders into a claggy, unpleasing paste in your mouths. No.

In short, Americans good, lovely people, fine place, but we appear to be adopting some very nonsensical food trends from them. My goodly friends across the Pacific, I implore you - instead of sending across your terrible coffee and your lacklustre donuts, could you please send across more of your craft beer and your maple syrup? We could arrange some kind of a swapsy where we send over lamingtons and pavlova. We'd even lay off feeding you guys Vegemite, honest!

UPDATE! - What is this obsession us Aussies have with feeding the Yanks Vegemite anyway? It's not as if we seem to want to inflict Vegemite upon unsuspecting Germans or Mongolians or Latvians or anything. Are we trying to start a war?

UPDATE UPDATE! - Oh yeah, that's the way, why not start a war with two major world powers while we're at it?

Sunday, August 07, 2016

Ew, Canada

Shirtless Justin Trudeau accidentally photo bombs B.C. beach wedding

Shirtless Justin Trudeau Meets Family In Quebec Park, Poses For Selfie

Shirtless Trudeau becomes summer internet fascination

Possibilities: 

1) Canada has accidentally elected a sentient torso as Prime Minister. 
2) It's Trudeau spawning season, but they will soon swim back out to their watery home where they while away the hours munching on plankton or riding on the seahorsies. 
3) The Department of Environment or whatever it is in Canada REALLY needs to get on top of the dangerous outbreak of Trudeaus out in the wild before more hikers get hurt.

No way am I posting a picture, though nature lovers can easily find one for themselves. 

Friday, August 05, 2016

How to be chockers with ockers and have Ozzies in your cossies

Pro-tip for all Australians: when speaking with Americans, throw as many Aussie expressions into your speech as you can, just to pique their interest. Strewth, cobber, take a gander at that geezer, haven't ridden in one of those for yonks, that kanga's had a few too many dhurries, he's a coupla tinnies short of a sixpack!

Over time, modify your speech so your ockerisms get ever more ocker and outlandish. Start making up a few: the Yanks will love it: throw another prawn on the barbie, me old Murray mate, there's a coupla cockies loose in the top paddock, how many sausages have to roll down the hill before me meat pie's done, by Jingo, Dingo, I get the Willy Willies from this great flaming galoot from the blazing black stump of Burke!

Eventually, your conversation should depart almost entirely from recognisable English. Trust me on this one. Whackadoodlediddly, why's me doovilaka pringled like the Nine Bulls of Ballina, it was just the other daisy she got stuck in a Lara Bingle at the Bottleo with Matto and Damo, who's a blagger got to nim to flanglewoozle a feller around here, I just want to take a Coonamble down the Bidgee, I ain't budging any smugglers, mate!

By this time you should be shouting, and waving your hands around a lot, and the corks on your hat will be tying themselves up in ever more fanciful knots. It will be great. The Yanks will never forget you.

Trust me on this one.


Thursday, August 04, 2016

Words or sayings for that moment when your underpants fall apart while you are wearing them

There are many strange, awkward, or underacknowledged moments of life that are in need of a word or phrase by which we are able to express their commonality. One such is that awkward moment when your underpants fall apart while you are in the middle of wearing them. You may smile and put up a brave face, chat pleasantly to your boss as if nothing out of the ordinary has happened, but in that moment, something fundamental has shifted in reality; your underpants have changed into something completely different. Let's workshop a few phrases for this important moment now:

your unders down under go under

asunderpants/gone asunderpants/asunderpanted: "He smiled the smile of one who had gone asunderpants". 

wedgied by the nothing

ununderpanted

falling into the abyss/fell into the abyss

to take the invisible plunge

going silently commando

wearing one's blunderpants

biology meets topology

knickering off

your clothes clothes take their clothes off

underdance/doing the underdance

to have your knickers knock off and your knackers nick off through a nook in your knickers

to have a derriere in the merrier area/to have a derriere make merry in the nefarious area

going hey down derriere

when it's over for your unders.

Please feel free to leave further suggestions in comments!

Sunday, July 31, 2016

WTFF news: intergalactic conspiracy scheduling clash

MELBOURNE, Sunday - Intergalactic conspiracy conglomerate and 500 card team the Lizard People have been forced to call off their latest meeting arranging world affairs because it clashed with a meeting at the same time and place of global domination group and old man's friendly society, the Elders of Zion.

"It was such an embarrassing mistake!" laughs Ps'norr, of the Reptilians. "We turned into the room we always use at our favourite cafe, the Bearded Iguana, and we found the Elders already present!"
Rabbi Mo Menavich, of the Elders, who describes his group as "friends first, dominators of civilisation second", said to reporters, "It was completely understandable. These scheduling errors are so common! I mean, it was like that time we scheduled a golf match on the same day as the third world w.... oh my goodness, did I just say that? Oy vey!"

AD! Do you or an intergalactic conspiracy confederate that you belong to have scheduling problems? Sign up to the ICCS, or International Conspiracy Cooperative Society, now to help you avoid these awkward mistakes! 

EMBARRASSED: Ps'norr of the Reptilians today. 

Tuesday, July 26, 2016

Conscious Man versus Unconscious Man - a fair and unbiased study performed in a spirit of scientific inquiry

Now, as all of us in the enlightened 'I saw chemtrails in my skidmarks!' community know, there's this little meme been going around about a guy called 'Conscious Man'. Conscious Man is great! Not only does he attain a higher state of being through blissful karmic meditation, but he also does the dishes! I think I hate him already. But can we really know how good Conscious Man is unless we set him next to his opposite - Unconscious Man? Let's perform this little thought experiment now!

CONSCIOUS MAN: 
Is mindful. 

UNCONSCIOUS MAN: 
Is in a drunken stupor on the couch. 

ADVANTAGE: 
Unconscious Man. Come on, who even knows what that mindful shit is? 

*

CONSCIOUS MAN: 
Takes out the garbage. 

UNCONSCIOUS MAN: 
Is in a drunken stupor on the couch. 

ADVANTAGE: 
Conscious Man. 

*

CONSCIOUS MAN: 
Meditates on the Yin and the Yang, the Feng Shui and the Falun Gong, the Chakras and the Yoni, the This and the That, and attains a state of Nirvana attaining the ultimate cessation of all being. 

UNCONSCIOUS MAN: 
Is in a drunken stupor on the - wait. Is he even alive? Oh, that's fine, he just vomited on the mat. 

ADVANTAGE: 
Conscious Man - unless he ectoplasms on the floor while in Nirvanic bliss.  

*

CONSCIOUS MAN: 
Will talk about your feelings, his feelings on your feelings, your feelings on his feelings, any old feelings, sometimes he'll even make up feelings to talk about. 

UNCONSCIOUS MAN: 
Is in a drunken stupor on the couch. 

ADVANTAGE: 
Unconscious Man. He's the strong and silent type. 

*

CONSCIOUS MAN: 
Grooves to the light of the silvery moon in a state of ecstasy. 

UNCONSCIOUS MAN: 
He's not sure whether he did any of that, he can't remember now, but at any rate he's in no condition to do it at the moment. Drunken, stupor, couch. You can fill in the blanks. 

ADVANTAGE: 
Unconscious Man, seriously, who is interested in that sort of nonsense? 

*

CONCLUSION: 
3 points to Unconscious Man, 2 points to Conscious Man, with an error margin of 0.5 points. 

I think you know what this means, chaps - let's get wasted.

Friday, July 22, 2016

Punctuate your own adventure!

New exciting book idea! Punctuate your own Adventure! (Idea may need some more work.)

you are an octopus nazi attack robot one day you are swimming peacefully in axis waters when three marines approach with water grenades what do you do do you ATTACK turn to page 15 ATTACK turn to page 37 you have chosen to ATTACK you wrap the marines in your mechanical robotic octopoid evil nazi arms which have started to rust in the seawater you should really see someone about that and begin to squeeze them in your death grip you lash about fiercely in the water the marines try to loose the catch on their water grenades but they fall out of their hands unused to the bottom of the sea NOBODY DEFEATS OCTOPUS NAZI ATTACK ROBOT you return to your watery lair not seeing a secret submarine sneak up behind you to see what happens turn over the page

Sample punctuation: 

! , ! ? ... () () ( , ) ... ., , , : ! - ... ()

COMING UP NEXT IN THIS EXCITING SERIES: You are an octopus stalinist sex robot!  


Thursday, July 21, 2016

PRESENTING SOFT TALK BY A HARD MAN

Presenting soft talk with Rocky Gruntnod

HEYA FOLKS I'M ROCKY GRUNTNOD AND I'M HERE TO GIVE YOU SOME SOFT TALK! 

PILLOWS
FUDGE
KITTEN WHISKERS
DUCKLING DOWN
CUDDLES
LEAF
BREEZE
MARSHMALLOW
BLOOM
FAIRY
WISP
SCHMOODGE
COSY.

WELL THAT'S IT FOR NOW FOLKS TUNE IN NEXT WEEK FOR MORE SOFT TALK I'M OFF TO EAT STONES FOR BREAKFAST NOW. 

Thursday, July 14, 2016

Like Lord of the Rings, only with a better plot

Presenting - Life among the Ents, a groundbreaking five hour documentary set amongst a family of these mysterious tree creatures wot you first read about in Tolkien. Using innovative and subtle immersive documentary techniques, our crew capture the lifes and loves of the Ents in a way never before possible.


In the first hour, we introduce ourselves to some typical Ents.

In the second hour, the emotional drama attains an intense climax as several leaves fall to the ground.


In the third hour, there is an unexpected revelation. We're not telling you what it is, but let's just say it's almost as exciting as that time you watched the grass grow.


In the fourth hour, the excitement reaches a fever pitch, but we also learn more about the food and drink of this ancient people. Hope you like looking at mud!


You won't believe what happens in the fifth and final hour. Okay, maybe you will but.... um.... why are you still watching the film anyway?

Sunday, July 03, 2016

My entry in the sadly confusing and somewhat disappointing Sunday sermon category

My entry in the sadly confusing and somewhat disappointing Sunday sermon category: 

...there was in those times a man travelling through Samaria to get to some area. We do not know which area this was, but we know he was in Samaria, which was some area he needed to go through while he was travelling from some area to some area. And while he was travelling through the same area (Samaria), he met there another man.
"Art thou from Samaria", the traveller asked the man, "or art thou roaming?"
"I am Roman," replied the man, "That is, some area away from Samaria".
"Thou art roaming away from Samaria?" said the first. "Wouldst thou join me?"
"I would stay in Samaria for a night," replied the second.
"Yea, verily," cried the first, "We will leave this same area, Samaria, and at night we shall come upon some area that is not Samaria: for I, too, am roaming."
"But I am Roman", protested the second, "And I would stay in Samaria, for I have business here".
"But why woulst thou stay if thou art roaming? And how couldst thou stay in some area if thou hadst business here? What strange business could it be?"
"Why, a very good business," said the Roman. "I sell fork handles...."

HERE ENDETH THE LESSON

Thursday, June 30, 2016

Presenting a pointless political post by a persnickety prick

It's voting time almost in two days except for those who have already postal voted, and I'm happy to say that though the major parties have plenty of policies that are only superficially appealing to serious voters,  they have plenty of policies that are seriously appealing to superficial voters. Of which I am one. So, in that spirit of judging a book by its cover, let's hie to their websites now and award them points on a series of completely pointless points that we can point to.

First up, the Liberals: their polices include - um - well - um actually, they have

OUR PLAN

and what a planny plan it is, by which we will planfully plan our way back to freedom! And I could actually go on to look at the plan in some detail, but remember, we're looking to see policies that are seriously appealing to superficial voters, and I wouldn't want to take this too seriously. So I won't.

Next up, Labor. What sort of policies do they have?

POSITIVE POLICIES


Hooray! That's even more seriously appealing  in a superficial way than the Liberal Plan! Well, that was Shorten sweet.

And what about the Greens? Let's apply an equally fact-free analysis to their website. Do they have a plan? A policy? Well no, as it turns out: they have

OUR VISION

WHOA that's way better than Positive Policies and I don't even know what it means! And anyway, too much alliteration is bad for the environment. And now we have reached the end (or perhaps the superfices) of my superficial post.

Saturday, June 25, 2016

Pom

Now pay attention class, I'm only going to say this once.

Pom - an English person.
Pompom - a fluffy ball.
Pomnipotence - infinite power possessed by an English person.
Pompomnipotence - infinite power gained through the wielding of pompoms.
Pompompomnipotence - infinite power gained through the wielding of English pompoms.
Pompompompomtiddlypompomnipotence - singing a meaningless ditty while gaining infinite power through the wielding of English pompoms.

That's all for today, class.

For your homework, I invite you all to submit a picture of a Pompominatrix. Thank you for your time.

Wednesday, June 22, 2016

Incredibly original poem about brewing

There was a young brewer from Ryde
Who ate some green barley and died
The barley fermented
Inside the lamented
And made Acetaldehyde.

Friday, June 17, 2016

A tale of modern romance

Strephon & Phyllis: a tale of modern romance 


Strephon flicked through his phone to the live-dating app
As he scrolled through the names and the nonsense and pap. 
He swore he'd find one for a funky night out 
(Though fat chicks and those over 30 were right out). 
Through selfies and poutings and duck face he scrolled - 
Too chubby - too skinny - too squinty - too old - 
He would Try Hard and Die Hard, (an iPhone Bruce Willis)
When just then he alit on the page of fair Phyllis. 
A radiant vision she seemed to his eyes, 
A glorious Goddess in mere mortal guise - 
Strephon knew in a flash he was on to a winner: 
Perhaps he could even invite her to dinner. 

Poor Strephon knew not of the magic of Cupid - 
How one blow with his bow could send normal men stupid. 
For Strephon, of course, the case was quite dire - 
His head was awhirl and his heart was afire... 
As Strephon held Phyllis in tremulous gaze, 
He scratched at his bum in a rapturous craze 
And thought of the ways he would Phyllis enamour: 
How could he convince this fair maid of his amour? 
Win her and bring her to the temple of Venus? 
"I know", Strephon thought. "I'll show her my penis. 
One pic of my dick which I'll slyly embiggen
So it outranks in grandeur the willy of Smiggin - 
Yes, this surely is the true way to her heart - 
An image of my most masculine part. 
A young, virile member - not a palsied old todger 
Like that that belongs to that old codger Roger. 
Yes, this is my plan and it's done in a tick - 
I'll flick some random chick a pic of my dick." 

And as for what next - Strephon was not concerned -
'Twas no matter, surely - not while his heart burned! 
And shortly, his wang was winging its way 
On wireless ether to her Message tray. 

Just what do you feel after such correspondence? 
Hopeful? Or anxious? Or full of despondence? 
Not Strephon: our hero was full of calm self-collection
After mailing his mail of his male part's .... affection. 
He was not depressed, for he knew she'd be true, 
The one in receipt of his cock billet doux
But Strephon could not help but shout with elation
When the phone in his pocket gave welcome vibration - 
He whips out his phone with a whimpering sigh! 
He presses the button to see her reply! 
"O Goddess!" he murmurs with votary air, 
"I see at long last you have answered my prayer!"
And he gazes in trance, with his whole body tingling 
For Phyllis has answered with a snap of a.... dingaling: 
Yes, someone's John Thomas: right there on his screen - 
A random guy's noodle: it's frankly obscene! 
And then - what the Dickens? A second dick pic - 
Strephon murmured aghast, "Gee, this chick is sick!"

As if not content with that paltry selection, 
It soon became clear Phyllis had a collection,
A torrent of sausages, hot dogs and saveloys, 
Kranskys, frankfurters, salamis and bitsofboys,
A series of revellers in full Saturnalia, 
A party of parts and of male genitalia. 
Strephon switched his phone off - but that wasn't enough - 
For he saw in his minds eye those groins in the buff, 
A priapic cavalcade, pixelised, gleaming, 
They marched through his mind in the midst of his dreaming - 
The todger of Roger in front of the rest: 
Now Strephon is moody and sad and depressed, 
And questions and worries his nervous mind cumber - 
Like "Shit that weird Phyllis chick's now got my number!" 
And worse yet - poor Strephon can't shake the suspicion
His photographed phallus has been made an addition 
To Phyllis's library of penile pics - 

MORAL: don't flick some random chick a pic of your dick.

Poem based on several recent stories.

Fig 1: In which fair Phyllis contemplates what to do with the latest addition to her gallery. 

Thursday, June 16, 2016

Cleaning is something which I do not like very much

Cleaning is something which I do not like very much, and therefore spend a lot of time avoiding doing. This has the effect of making the house dirtier, which I do not like, because it reminds me of cleaning, which I do not like, and reminds me of the fact that I will have to do some cleaning sometime, which I like even less. Eventually - by some bizarre slip of fate - I find myself actually cleaning, which, taken with thinking about cleaning and avoiding cleaning - is, of all those things, the thing that I like least of all and reminds me all over again why I have spent all this time in the comparatively pleasant activity of avoiding cleaning.

I found myself in this situation the other day; I don't know how I find myself in these situations, really, as I quite enjoy avoiding cleaning: it is a comparatively relaxing and stress-free activity, with the addition of a little extra mould here and there to keep the house bright and colourful. Anyway, I was in one of these situations (better known as the bathroom), and I was cleaning. The situation really was ludicrous: what place on earth does cleaning have in a bathroom? I ask you. In a last ditch attempt to avoid cleaning, I was - forgive me - grizzling in a bad tempered manner in the Baron's general direction.

"What's all this stuff doing in the bathroom?" I said. "It's ridiculous!"

"Clean it!" chirped the Baron chirpily.

I cleaned it, mostly by throwing it underneath the sink where I temporarily couldn't see it. There is a cupboard underneath the sink and as it was already crammed full of stuff, I can't rightly say that it held all the stuff that I threw into it, but I didn't mind, and neither did it.

I desultorily attempted to rub at some of the grime underneath the tap, but found to my frustration I couldn't because of all the things on the sink getting in the way of my hand while trying to rub the grime off under the tap in the process of my general effort to clean up the bathroom which I was doing because..... oh, never mind.

So naturally I went back to cleaning things off the sink. There were a lot of things on the sink, don't ask me why, it's a ridiculous question.

"There's so much soap in here!" I said. "What's soap doing in the bathroom?"

For some strange reason the Baron didn't answer this.

"This is silly! The soap's getting in the way! I'm getting rid of it!" I announced, eventually.

This was a wise decision. What place does soap have in the bathroom, really? None that I can think of, and anyway, after my decision here things went much smoother. I swooped all the cakes of soap off the bench and neatly deposited them in the garbage. Soap really is a nonsensical product at the best of times, but especially so when it is in the bathroom. Not only does it get in the way of grime, which gets in the way of the bathroom, which gets in the way of some other grime that was there before the bathroom, and which is undoubtedly much more attractive and interesting than the bathroom (though perhaps without hot and cold running water), but soap can only be used for one thing - cleaning. Even just writing about soap makes me shudder again as it raises the horrible prospect of cleaning all over again. Ugh!

So: where was I? Oh. Yes. Cleaning. In the bathroom. Having performed the irritating task for long enough (and got rid of all that unpleasant soap) I think I retired shortly after. Cleaning is, aside from anything else, a very strenuous activity. I highly recommend you don't do it.

***

It's possible the Baron later discovered the soap in the bin.

"Why is there soap in the bin?" the Baron asked.

For some strange reason, I didn't answer this.

Tuesday, June 14, 2016

Mindful of crap

Two words in to an article on random website Wanderlust and we're in "mindful" territory, and I'm scared. One word after that and the word is "sober", closely followed by "subculture", and I'm shedding tears of pure terror. I want to say to these kids: who hurt you? What did alcohol ever do to a harm you? Think you're ready for the whole thing? Let's give it a go -

A mindful 

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh no there's that word again

sober subculture 

Whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy

is emerging 

takes me back to the fun old days of temperance activists. Oh. Wait. No, I meant horrifying.

indicating that we’re seeking out deeper, more meaningful connections to others.

And just like "mindful", that "meaningful" gets me again. It's the sheer unmitigated gall of the thing - thing you drunkards are having a "meaningful" time? Why don't you try something "deeper"!

The funny thing is, the more I find out about drink - and the more I drink drink - the more meaningful it is. Who is this mindful subculture anyway, to decide that it's only them who are able to make deeper, more meaningful connections? And just like the temperance activists before them they unwittingly concede to drink a power and an influence far greater than it has over anyone else. No moderate drinking for these people, nothing so pleasant as a little tipsiness,  a modest insobriety, an affable drunkenness. Nope, it's all or nothing, more meaningfulness or vomiting in the gutters.

***

I actually had a longer essay I was thinking of putting in here at this point about all the ways in which beer and wine are beautiful, but nup. However, let me finish off by quoting that notable drunkard, Christ:

31And the Lord said, Whereunto then shall I liken the men of this generation? and to what are they like? 32They are like unto children sitting in the marketplace, and calling one to another, and saying, We have piped unto you, and ye have not danced; we have mourned to you, and ye have not wept. 33For John the Baptist came neither eating bread nor drinking wine; and ye say, He hath a devil. 34The Son of man is come eating and drinking; and ye say, Behold a gluttonous man, and a winebibber, a friend of publicans and sinners! 35But wisdom is justified of all her children.

Hang on... I don't think there's a single "mindful" in there!

Saturday, May 28, 2016

Spray it, don't say it

GRAPHIC artist _____ has been charged by police after she allegedly spat on Richard Pearson, administrator of the newly formed Inner West Council, at a fractious first meeting on Tuesday night. - The Daily Telegraph

A public spit

She felt her hatred churning, roiling,
Deep within a burning, boiling,
Longed to make a final soiling
To The Oppressor's face -
From stomach, chest, and nose and lung
She dredged a booger up among
Her uvula and teeth and tongue -
A deep, dark, bitter taste -

This precious jewel of salt and spite,
Of rancour, fury, bile and blight,
With which she would her target smite -
She gave a secret smile -
And when his face hove into view,
Her lips flung forth the fatal brew,
Across the seething air it flew -
As straight as a missile,

Then broke apart, this mucal matter,
With a most unseemly splatter,
The droplets all went pitter-patter,
Emblems of her rage -
A perfect work of form and function,
Snot and spray and cough and luncheon,
A Jackson Pollock in high dudgeon -
Next day's headlines. Front page.

Tuesday, May 24, 2016

Feminist things

I have thought long and deeply about feminism, as you all know, and here is a list of feminist things.

The Womandelbrot set.
Womanta rays.
The Communist Womanifesto.
Womanfred, a play by Byron.
Womansplanation. It's a bit like mansplanation but a good thing.
Womanspreading.
Femme dashes.
Femminem, the rapper.
She Guevara.


Monday, May 23, 2016

Because we can never have too many television programs featuring dogs

Please tell me why we don't have this show on the television already?



DEPUTY ASSISTANT HOSPITAL INSPECTOR REX

(SCENE: An ordinary hospital. Or is it? Yes. It is. There is a SECRETARY sitting at a desk. A DOCTOR enters. )

DOCTOR: Have you filled out those forms, Secretary? 

SECRETARY: I certainly have, Doctor. For, as we all know, the most important part of modern medicine is appropriate administrative record keeping in the context of adequate departmental oversight. 

DOCTOR: And we never know when.... 

(MUSIC: "Dog takes over control!"

DEPUTY ASSISTANT HOSPITAL INSPECTOR REX jumps in through the window, shattering it, and stands there while the opening credits run).

DOCTOR:.... Deputy Assistant Hospital Inspector Rex comes WHY DO YOU ALWAYS COME IN LIKE THAT! 

SECRETARY: I didn't even know we had a window. 

DEPUTY ASSISTANT HOSPITAL INSPECTOR REX: Woof! 

SECRETARY: He's right, Doctor! There's no time for that when there's administration to be done! (Plonks several realms of paper on floor in front of Deputy Assistant blah blah etc etc). Here are the files, Deputy Assistant Hospital Inspector Rex! 

DEPUTY ASSISTANT HOSPITAL INSPECTOR REX: (Spews on the files)

DOCTOR: Why, thank you, Sir. 

***

(SCENE TWO: Same place, five hours later.)

SECRETARY: .... and so, Mr Rex, we come to the fiscal slide 13, point D, where... 

OLD LADY: Help! Help! A criminal has taken my purse, but he's terribly afraid of dogs! If you could onl.... 

DEPUTY ASSISTANT HOSPITAL INSPECTOR REX: Woof! 

DOCTOR: He's right! There's no time for that when we're examining Fiscal Slide 13 point D! 

TUNE IN NEXT WEEK FOR MORE EXCITING ADVENTURES OF DEPUTY ASSISTANT HOSPITAL INSPECTOR REX! 

Sunday, May 15, 2016

Some may be more real than others

Ideas for workshops in Kyneton. Some may be more real than others.

Spoon carving.
Cabbage massage.
Permacultural yodelling.
Dog unbending.
Egg whittling (with chainsaws).
Egg whittling (traditional, with axes).
Gum scribbling.
Getting in touch with your inner chicken.
Getting your chickens in touch with their inner egg.
Permacultural beard maintenance.
Vermicelli balancing.
Paleo cooking with oblongs.

Friday, May 13, 2016

How to run a national culture - an A to Z

Devastating day of reckoning for Australian arts as 62 organisations miss out on crucial operational funding.  
Australian artists have faced many desperate moments over the past three years, particularly in the last 12 months following the 2015/16 Federal Budget announcement last May, which revealed devastating cuts to the funds distributed by the Australia Council. However, Friday the 13th of May 2016 is now a day that will be remembered in infamy by many as one of the blackest in Australia’s artistic history. Published this morning, the Australia Council have announced the list of 128 fortunate recipients of the highly sought after four-year funding grants. However, many unsuccessful applicants, including 62 organisations previously funded by the Australia Council, are now facing uncertain futures as their operational costs are no longer underwritten.  

Limelight Magazine - Black Friday: Australia Council cuts defund dozens of arts companies

A - artists, the people who make art. They are the most important people of all. A also stands for audiences, but no-one gives a shit about them.

B - bureaucrats, who deliver money to the artists. Everyone loves bureaucrats! Until....

C - cuts to funding happen periodically, but only when evil Coalition governments are in power.

D - despair. It's natural to feel disappointed when your funding source has been cut, but artists, being more important than other people, have much more important feelings: hence, despair.

E - economy, something that doesn't exist and even if it does it's not important anyway and even if it is important it certainly doesn't justify the cuts to funding to the arts, and even if it does it's not important, because emotions.

F - fighting amongst themselves, a fun practice which artists indulge in in these economically-straightened times when they discover their artist friends have got money but they haven't.

F - forms, which artists have to fill out a lot of if they want to have a chance to get funding.

G - gloom, a side-effect of despair (see above).

H - horror, another side effect of despair (see above).

I - independent, something that all artistic organisations lay claim to. Some have been independent for several decades, although strangely independence is only ever possible by being dependent on government for money.

I - institution, icon - things which every artistic group is, especially when its funding is in danger.

J - jobs, jobs, jobs. What some artists lose in the cuts to funding.

K - knitting jumpers for lamp-posts, one of the many important works of art which has previously attracted funding.

L - latte, the traditional food stuff of the artist.

M - minorities, groups which artists often discover they are members of when they are filling out forms.

N - nation, the thing that culture does stuff to, much like a culture does stuff to milk to turn it into a delicious yoghurt, although with less curds, and with more conceptual installations and interpretative dance pieces.

O - opera, something some artists love, most artists complain about, but very few go to. It is usually unaffected by the funding cuts.

P - protests, which at some point someone will organise.

P - paradigms, things that artists shift a lot in their artistic works. No-one has seen a paradigm in the wild, so no-one is quite sure what they look like.

P - politicians, who are ultimately responsible for all the funding.

Q - questions raised, something that important art does, although presumably, it does somewhat less of it now because of the cuts to funding.

R - regions, places which artists care about a lot, although they seldom visit them unless there's funding involved.

S - schmoozing, a helpful thing to do when applying for funding, and which makes it all the more annoying when that funding gets cut.

T - taxpayers, the people who make money, only to have some of it taken off them by politicians with a variety of dubious justifications and spent on art that they don't necessarily want anyway.

U - unemployment, the unfortunate side effect of funding cuts (and of running an artistic organisation for decades without somehow preparing yourself for the day when the funding gets cut).

U - urban areas, the exciting places artists like to hang about in.

V - voluntary support of the arts, a ridiculous thing that artists rightly dismiss, because who wants to make art that people want to pay money to see?

W - whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy? A cry of despair uttered by artists when they hear about funding cuts.

X - xenophobia, what artists are fighting against. They're not sure how to link it to the present politicians and the cuts to funding, but they will find a way.

Y - yartz, the - term of contempt for, or endearment with, the arts, depending on whether you are an artist or a lowly taxpayer.

Z - Zzzz, the instinctive response of many non-artists when they see these arguments.

Thursday, May 05, 2016

Words that totally should be in the Scrabble dictionary but totally are not

ew - Yuck. This one's obvious.

zot - old word (apparently a Train family word) for nipping into spots in traffic.

queery - an inquiry by a queer person

hgkpfvq - no idea what it means, but that one time it would have been really useful if this was an acceptable bingo.

Monday, May 02, 2016

Font of all wisdom

The ABC is designing its very own font...

TO: All ABC staff
RE: New font. 

... To reflect the changing and diverse nature of Australia's multicultural society, there will not only be an 'Italic' option in this font, there will also be options ranging from Asiatic to Islamic.

Old hegemonic modes of class discourse are outdated, and to embody this, there will be no 'upper-case' and 'lower-case' (upper caste and lower caste, much?). It will all be lower case.

Likewise, 'bold' will no longer be required, as this strikes an unnecessarily aggressive patronymic note, but this will be replaced with a groundbreaking 'gay pride' option.

Some savings will have to be made, as the ABC font will be run on an economically-collectivist basis, and until the establishment at long-last of a worldwide communist utopia, neoliberal capitalism will create shortages. Redistribution of materials will be necessary: ellipsises can be made out of full stops gathered from previous sentences,  or, if necessary, colons which have been inverted in the technical department.

The needlessly phallic hyphen and the positively priapic exclamation mark will be replaced by more gentle yonic symbols of global motherness. Ampersands for all!

Thank you for helping us in the formation of this bold - sorry, proud - new font, and we look forward to rolling the first letters out of our workshop shortly!

Management. 
ABC staff hard at work in the font workshop.

Friday, April 22, 2016

Haikus are a gateway drug: a public service announcement

 Haikus are a gateway drug. 
"Just three lines, and you'll be fine". 
KIDS, DON'T LISTEN TO THE LIES. 
Soon you'll do them all the time. 
Next thing you know, you're doing odes - 
The heavy stuff. IT'S JUST NOT COOL. 
SAY NO TO HAIKU WHILE YOU CAN - 
And sign up for accounting school. 

Tuesday, April 19, 2016

Antsy disestablishmentarians

If you get a whole bunch of contrarians in a room together, what happens? Do they all argue it out to see who is the top contrarian, or do they all slyly agree with one another in a passive aggressive attempt to piss one another off? Or does something more shocking happen, and they find that, having opposed orthodox opinion for so long, they are all genuinely in agreement with one another and they never need to start arguing at all? Or - in the somewhat more likely event of them actually not finding any point of agreement at all - what happens if someone actually says "we can't agree on anything at all, can we?" Would it, like, cause the universe to explode or something, or would they all avoid catching one another's gaze and instead look down to their feet as they shuffle awkwardly about the room?

And, while you're all thinking about that, what's the collective noun for a group of contrarians anyway? A disagreement? A beg-to-differ-ance? A Wellactually?

Saturday, April 16, 2016

Obsolete units of measurement

pubit - as long as a standard Imperial pubic hair.

Though of course a question remains: curly or straight?

Thursday, April 14, 2016

I drink to forget, but never forget to drink

ODE TO THE FORGETFUL DRINKING OF A CUP OF COFFEE 

My morning coffee cup is 
Not yet full 
I have become so very 
Fretful 
I need to get my big warm 
Wet full 
But now I drink it in a fit 
Forgetful 
Alas! I search for it, 
Regretful. 

 Alternative title: "Don't give up your day job".

(Thanks for the inspiration Shelley!)

Saturday, April 09, 2016

Lesser-known examples of onomatopaeia

 flomp - the sound of a cat taking up too much room on the bed. All night.

geklangbeplonkenbonk - the sound another German verb makes as it thuds its way through the memory part of the brain, crashes through the understanding bit, flounders about in the confusion and exasperation centres, and comes out at the other end.

snilp - the sound of another one of Tim's socks quietly disappearing in the night.

humber - the quietly disapproving noise of a pile of slowly accumulating unwashed clothes.

conblustergration - the silent, yet terrifyingly audible, sound of 1000 angry mainstream media blog commentators on an article about racism and celebrities.
Email: timhtrain - at - yahoo.com.au

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