Will Type For Food


Saturday, May 28, 2016

Spray it, don't say it

GRAPHIC artist _____ has been charged by police after she allegedly spat on Richard Pearson, administrator of the newly formed Inner West Council, at a fractious first meeting on Tuesday night. - The Daily Telegraph

A public spit

She felt her hatred churning, roiling,
Deep within a burning, boiling,
Longed to make a final soiling
To The Oppressor's face -
From stomach, chest, and nose and lung
She dredged a booger up among
Her uvula and teeth and tongue -
A deep, dark, bitter taste -

This precious jewel of salt and spite,
Of rancour, fury, bile and blight,
With which she would her target smite -
She gave a secret smile -
And when his face hove into view,
Her lips flung forth the fatal brew,
Across the seething air it flew -
As straight as a missile,

Then broke apart, this mucal matter,
With a most unseemly splatter,
The droplets all went pitter-patter,
Emblems of her rage -
A perfect work of form and function,
Snot and spray and cough and luncheon,
A Jackson Pollock in high dudgeon -
Next day's headlines. Front page.

Tuesday, May 24, 2016

Feminist things

I have thought long and deeply about feminism, as you all know, and here is a list of feminist things.

The Womandelbrot set.
Womanta rays.
The Communist Womanifesto.
Womanfred, a play by Byron.
Womansplanation. It's a bit like mansplanation but a good thing.
Femme dashes.
Femminem, the rapper.
She Guevara.

Monday, May 23, 2016

Because we can never have too many television programs featuring dogs

Please tell me why we don't have this show on the television already?


(SCENE: An ordinary hospital. Or is it? Yes. It is. There is a SECRETARY sitting at a desk. A DOCTOR enters. )

DOCTOR: Have you filled out those forms, Secretary? 

SECRETARY: I certainly have, Doctor. For, as we all know, the most important part of modern medicine is appropriate administrative record keeping in the context of adequate departmental oversight. 

DOCTOR: And we never know when.... 

(MUSIC: "Dog takes over control!"

DEPUTY ASSISTANT HOSPITAL INSPECTOR REX jumps in through the window, shattering it, and stands there while the opening credits run).

DOCTOR:.... Deputy Assistant Hospital Inspector Rex comes WHY DO YOU ALWAYS COME IN LIKE THAT! 

SECRETARY: I didn't even know we had a window. 


SECRETARY: He's right, Doctor! There's no time for that when there's administration to be done! (Plonks several realms of paper on floor in front of Deputy Assistant blah blah etc etc). Here are the files, Deputy Assistant Hospital Inspector Rex! 


DOCTOR: Why, thank you, Sir. 


(SCENE TWO: Same place, five hours later.)

SECRETARY: .... and so, Mr Rex, we come to the fiscal slide 13, point D, where... 

OLD LADY: Help! Help! A criminal has taken my purse, but he's terribly afraid of dogs! If you could onl.... 


DOCTOR: He's right! There's no time for that when we're examining Fiscal Slide 13 point D! 


Sunday, May 15, 2016

Some may be more real than others

Ideas for workshops in Kyneton. Some may be more real than others.

Spoon carving.
Cabbage massage.
Permacultural yodelling.
Dog unbending.
Egg whittling (with chainsaws).
Egg whittling (traditional, with axes).
Gum scribbling.
Getting in touch with your inner chicken.
Getting your chickens in touch with their inner egg.
Permacultural beard maintenance.
Vermicelli balancing.
Paleo cooking with oblongs.

Friday, May 13, 2016

How to run a national culture - an A to Z

Devastating day of reckoning for Australian arts as 62 organisations miss out on crucial operational funding.  
Australian artists have faced many desperate moments over the past three years, particularly in the last 12 months following the 2015/16 Federal Budget announcement last May, which revealed devastating cuts to the funds distributed by the Australia Council. However, Friday the 13th of May 2016 is now a day that will be remembered in infamy by many as one of the blackest in Australia’s artistic history. Published this morning, the Australia Council have announced the list of 128 fortunate recipients of the highly sought after four-year funding grants. However, many unsuccessful applicants, including 62 organisations previously funded by the Australia Council, are now facing uncertain futures as their operational costs are no longer underwritten.  

Limelight Magazine - Black Friday: Australia Council cuts defund dozens of arts companies

A - artists, the people who make art. They are the most important people of all. A also stands for audiences, but no-one gives a shit about them.

B - bureaucrats, who deliver money to the artists. Everyone loves bureaucrats! Until....

C - cuts to funding happen periodically, but only when evil Coalition governments are in power.

D - despair. It's natural to feel disappointed when your funding source has been cut, but artists, being more important than other people, have much more important feelings: hence, despair.

E - economy, something that doesn't exist and even if it does it's not important anyway and even if it is important it certainly doesn't justify the cuts to funding to the arts, and even if it does it's not important, because emotions.

F - fighting amongst themselves, a fun practice which artists indulge in in these economically-straightened times when they discover their artist friends have got money but they haven't.

F - forms, which artists have to fill out a lot of if they want to have a chance to get funding.

G - gloom, a side-effect of despair (see above).

H - horror, another side effect of despair (see above).

I - independent, something that all artistic organisations lay claim to. Some have been independent for several decades, although strangely independence is only ever possible by being dependent on government for money.

I - institution, icon - things which every artistic group is, especially when its funding is in danger.

J - jobs, jobs, jobs. What some artists lose in the cuts to funding.

K - knitting jumpers for lamp-posts, one of the many important works of art which has previously attracted funding.

L - latte, the traditional food stuff of the artist.

M - minorities, groups which artists often discover they are members of when they are filling out forms.

N - nation, the thing that culture does stuff to, much like a culture does stuff to milk to turn it into a delicious yoghurt, although with less curds, and with more conceptual installations and interpretative dance pieces.

O - opera, something some artists love, most artists complain about, but very few go to. It is usually unaffected by the funding cuts.

P - protests, which at some point someone will organise.

P - paradigms, things that artists shift a lot in their artistic works. No-one has seen a paradigm in the wild, so no-one is quite sure what they look like.

P - politicians, who are ultimately responsible for all the funding.

Q - questions raised, something that important art does, although presumably, it does somewhat less of it now because of the cuts to funding.

R - regions, places which artists care about a lot, although they seldom visit them unless there's funding involved.

S - schmoozing, a helpful thing to do when applying for funding, and which makes it all the more annoying when that funding gets cut.

T - taxpayers, the people who make money, only to have some of it taken off them by politicians with a variety of dubious justifications and spent on art that they don't necessarily want anyway.

U - unemployment, the unfortunate side effect of funding cuts (and of running an artistic organisation for decades without somehow preparing yourself for the day when the funding gets cut).

U - urban areas, the exciting places artists like to hang about in.

V - voluntary support of the arts, a ridiculous thing that artists rightly dismiss, because who wants to make art that people want to pay money to see?

W - whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy? A cry of despair uttered by artists when they hear about funding cuts.

X - xenophobia, what artists are fighting against. They're not sure how to link it to the present politicians and the cuts to funding, but they will find a way.

Y - yartz, the - term of contempt for, or endearment with, the arts, depending on whether you are an artist or a lowly taxpayer.

Z - Zzzz, the instinctive response of many non-artists when they see these arguments.

Thursday, May 05, 2016

Words that totally should be in the Scrabble dictionary but totally are not

ew - Yuck. This one's obvious.

zot - old word (apparently a Train family word) for nipping into spots in traffic.

queery - an inquiry by a queer person

hgkpfvq - no idea what it means, but that one time it would have been really useful if this was an acceptable bingo.

Monday, May 02, 2016

Font of all wisdom

The ABC is designing its very own font...

TO: All ABC staff
RE: New font. 

... To reflect the changing and diverse nature of Australia's multicultural society, there will not only be an 'Italic' option in this font, there will also be options ranging from Asiatic to Islamic.

Old hegemonic modes of class discourse are outdated, and to embody this, there will be no 'upper-case' and 'lower-case' (upper caste and lower caste, much?). It will all be lower case.

Likewise, 'bold' will no longer be required, as this strikes an unnecessarily aggressive patronymic note, but this will be replaced with a groundbreaking 'gay pride' option.

Some savings will have to be made, as the ABC font will be run on an economically-collectivist basis, and until the establishment at long-last of a worldwide communist utopia, neoliberal capitalism will create shortages. Redistribution of materials will be necessary: ellipsises can be made out of full stops gathered from previous sentences,  or, if necessary, colons which have been inverted in the technical department.

The needlessly phallic hyphen and the positively priapic exclamation mark will be replaced by more gentle yonic symbols of global motherness. Ampersands for all!

Thank you for helping us in the formation of this bold - sorry, proud - new font, and we look forward to rolling the first letters out of our workshop shortly!

ABC staff hard at work in the font workshop.

Friday, April 22, 2016

Haikus are a gateway drug: a public service announcement

 Haikus are a gateway drug. 
"Just three lines, and you'll be fine". 
Soon you'll do them all the time. 
Next thing you know, you're doing odes - 
The heavy stuff. IT'S JUST NOT COOL. 
And sign up for accounting school. 

Tuesday, April 19, 2016

Antsy disestablishmentarians

If you get a whole bunch of contrarians in a room together, what happens? Do they all argue it out to see who is the top contrarian, or do they all slyly agree with one another in a passive aggressive attempt to piss one another off? Or does something more shocking happen, and they find that, having opposed orthodox opinion for so long, they are all genuinely in agreement with one another and they never need to start arguing at all? Or - in the somewhat more likely event of them actually not finding any point of agreement at all - what happens if someone actually says "we can't agree on anything at all, can we?" Would it, like, cause the universe to explode or something, or would they all avoid catching one another's gaze and instead look down to their feet as they shuffle awkwardly about the room?

And, while you're all thinking about that, what's the collective noun for a group of contrarians anyway? A disagreement? A beg-to-differ-ance? A Wellactually?

Saturday, April 16, 2016

Obsolete units of measurement

pubit - as long as a standard Imperial pubic hair.

Though of course a question remains: curly or straight?

Thursday, April 14, 2016

I drink to forget, but never forget to drink


My morning coffee cup is 
Not yet full 
I have become so very 
I need to get my big warm 
Wet full 
But now I drink it in a fit 
Alas! I search for it, 

 Alternative title: "Don't give up your day job".

(Thanks for the inspiration Shelley!)

Saturday, April 09, 2016

Lesser-known examples of onomatopaeia

 flomp - the sound of a cat taking up too much room on the bed. All night.

geklangbeplonkenbonk - the sound another German verb makes as it thuds its way through the memory part of the brain, crashes through the understanding bit, flounders about in the confusion and exasperation centres, and comes out at the other end.

snilp - the sound of another one of Tim's socks quietly disappearing in the night.

humber - the quietly disapproving noise of a pile of slowly accumulating unwashed clothes.

conblustergration - the silent, yet terrifyingly audible, sound of 1000 angry mainstream media blog commentators on an article about racism and celebrities.

Thursday, April 07, 2016

Balance maintained

Living with vegetarians: the Baron bursts into the study and says, "do you want some quince bacon?'

Living with carnivores: Beatrice the cat finds a mouse, eats the bottom half, and leaves the rest twitching on the front door step.

 Life. It's all about the balance, maaaaaaaaaaan.

Friday, April 01, 2016

The queue

The queue was long, and out the door; 
Each member wished to be before 
Each other member, right behind, 
(Who were, as well, of that same mind). 
 What were the queue all queuing too? 
They queued to join another queue. 

Sunday, March 27, 2016

The land of the rising polka dot

How great is the Japanese flag? It's a big red spot. There should be more spotty nation flags. It would make the world a more cheery place.

Saturday, March 19, 2016

Earth hour poems

Brunswick party
Someone announces "It's Earth hour!"

Earth hour
We all practice being one
With darkness

In the dark
No-one can see
You're a Goth

We get to light candles
A small gesture to our own inherent

The conversation
Naturally enough
Towards suicide

Half the room gets to use
The torchlight function on
The iPhone 6

Confused guests pile in
To pitch black house
Earth hour.

Monday, March 07, 2016

House bachelor for the week

The Baron has gone to Sydney for a week, so I am pootling about the house indulging in that most simple of pleasures - batching. Let's survey how things have gone so far.

*For dinner tonight, for want of anything better to do, I chucked some stuff at some butter on the stovetop. Then when that was done I added cheese and pasta. Yum.

*For dinner tomorrow night I will be scrounging off friends. Double yum.

*For dinner the night after, pizza. And beer. Actually, there was beer every night - that really doesn't need to be said.

*I've been keeping the house super clean. Just two hours ago I ran a sink full of hot water and squirted some detergent into it. Then I threw all the dirty things I could find in it, including: plates, knives, forks, spoons, bowls, cups, coffee machine parts, honey straining equipment, and socks. Some day I may even take them out again.

*I just picked the espresso machine off the floor, and, noticing that it had flour on it, I dusted the flour back onto the floor. A place for everything, and for everything a place!

*There is a badger in the bathroom, which I am using to catch all the potoroos that have got into medicine drawer.

*I am lounging around on the couch in Australia flag underwear. But then, I do that all the time, anyway.

That's my entry, then

Our crush on poetry continues unabated here at Common Good Books, and to prove it the proprietor is putting his money where his mouth is. Garrison Keillor is offering five thousand dollars in prize money to the seven winners of “‘Poems of Gratitude: The Fourth Annual Common Good Books Poetry Contest.”
  Enter "Poems of Gratitude: The Fourth Annual Common Good Books Poetry Contest."

I gave my love a cold,
She gave me a bag of snot.
 Now we both say to the other
"Hey, thanks a bloody lot".

No point entering poets, I think I've already got this competition in the bag.

Friday, March 04, 2016

I'm too sexy for this poem

I'm too sexy for this poem
I take a sexy selfie for
My sexy selfie shelf ,
But that selfie doesn't match with
My inner sexy self. 

Should I take a second selfie
With more sexy sexy sex? 
Should I sex my inner self up
With more special sex effects? 

Should I make my sexy selfie
Take my sexy sexy pants off
While challenging my inner self
To a sexy sexy dance off? 

It's hard to be so sexy
It's hard to be so glam - 
Cos I'm just so super sexy
I'm more sexy than I am. 

Wednesday, February 24, 2016

Brewing demystified

Honest definitions of brewing terms

Yeast - weird shit.

Bacteria - more weird shit.

Wild yeast - fucking weird shit.

Starter - weird shit, fucking.

Pellicle - weird shit done by weird shit.

Krausen - Ew! Gross! Just disgusting, man!

Esters - farts done by weird shit.

Carbonation - what the weird shit shits beneath all that weird shit.

Trub - weird shit, asleep, in more weird shit shit.

Secondary Fermentation - Weird Shit 2: Electric Boogaloo.

Beer/wine/cider/mead - what's left over after the weird shit gets the shits and shits off. Yum!

Tuesday, February 23, 2016

She was a psychopath who liked scones

"She was a right-wing, awful woman". Sentences like this are just so strange. It's such a non-sequitur. It's a bit like saying "She was a psychopath who liked scones". Or "he was a tyrant who once patted a cat". Of course it is really trying to use "right-wing" as a near synonym for "awful" - it's repetition for rhetorical effect - but it just doesn't work. But can you imagine if people really did use insults like this in parliament? "That's so Liberal of you!" (to a member of the Liberals). "Don't be such a Green." (to one of the Greens), "When did you become so progressive?" (to a Labor member). It's kinda what they were elected to do, after all.

Friday, February 12, 2016

Du schmeckst so gut

Here, with apologies to my vast German audience, is my German verse epic in preparation for Valentine's Day entitled "Du bist mein Lieblingsessen."

Du bist mein Lieblingsessen

Du bist mein Lieblingsessen.
Meinen Obstsalat und Haferbrei
Und (doch, ich habe nicht vergessen!)
Mein Toast mit Butter und ein Ei.

Mein Frühstück, meine Hauptmahlzeit,
Meinen Kaffee, Meinen Porter,
Mein Scheschisches Himmelreich,
Und jetzt, meine Schwarzwälder Kirschtorte.

Du schmeckst so gut, mein erst, mein Wurst,
Mein Tomate rot, mein Milch und Brot,
Meinen Hunger, meinen Durst
Du bist, immer und so immer fort.


UPDATE! - It has come to my attention that I may have made even more lamentable errors in this than I thought I had originally. I will leave the poem up in its current state but it may require a lot more revision before I take it out in company again. 

Self-Valentine poem

"It can be a challenge to wake up on Valentine's Day on your own." 
This weekend two women are doing away with finding love and focusing on self-love. Valentine's Day: Life coach says do away with finding love and instead romance yourself - ABC

A self-Valentine poem

My and myself went out on a date.
He looked in my eyes and he said that "I'm great!" 
I caught at his hand and I whispered "You too!"
So right then I got married to me (as you do).
The wedding was perfect but at the reception
I caught me making love to a mirror's reflection -
We broke up that day. I was sad. He was hot.
And who am I now I'm the man that I'm not?

Sunday, February 07, 2016


If being 'grumpy' were such a bad thing, then why is the word so lovely? People who are really serious about wanting less grumpiness should try to get the word changed to some new and unlovely neologism, the examples of which occur every day in politics and the office. As it is, there is hardly anything nicer than being labelled with such a pleasant and homely word as 'grumpy'; there ought to be more of it.

Friday, February 05, 2016

Never encourage them

Positive heckling: the worst sort of heckling.

Good on you for trying!
We all have to start somewhere! (Before you have even started).
This is the best thing I've heard all second!
Don't feel bad! (Said for no reason at all).
That must have been good for your self-esteem!
Don't listen to them! (No-one has said anything).
Give yourself a pat on the back!
(Breaks into applause as you reach the third line in a 30 line piece).

Encouragement is never something that should be encouraged, people.

Tuesday, January 26, 2016

To do list for Australia Day

To do list for Australia Day

Take the notes off your echidna
Polish up your kangaroo
Update your dingo's rego
Plug in your wombats, too. 

Put your ocker through the washer. 
Hang it on the windowsill. 
Give marsupials an extra pouch.
Give a platypus the bill. 

Wear pavlova to a party - 
Say it's just fancy dress. 
But most important, don't forget -
Repaint your OH&S.

Saturday, January 23, 2016

The advantages and disadvantages of nudism

The advantages and disadvantages of nudism

1. It's nice and cool to let all weathers
Play on your nipples and your nethers.

2. It's nice and cool - until it's cold.

3. It's lots of fun for young and old.

4: But: mum won't like it if she's told.

5. It feels delightful to be free
For breakfast, dinner, lunch, and tea.

6. You could get caught in nooks and chinks
Or doors, drawers, cupboards, laundry sinks.

7. Sunshine gives you a pleasant zing.

8. But sunburn, also, is A Thing.

9. It's very economically efficient.*

10. What if, by chance, the neighbours see?

11. What if, by chance, the neighbours see?

12. It's such a very simple way
To be at one with Nature every day

13. Being nude, you cannot wear a tie.

*No rhyme: this line is self-sufficient.  

Thursday, January 21, 2016

Challenge of the day

Challenge of the day: write a clean, inoffensive, family friendly limerick beginning with the following two lines:

Delvene's delightful declivities
Had some rather alarming proclivities...

Tuesday, January 19, 2016

From the 10 habits of highly effective Business-Bonobos...

... 11. The Business-Bonobo knows the value of money well. As soon as he or she comes into a little money, they roll all over it to ensure their pheromones are all over their savings. Also acceptable: pissing, spitting, shitting on the money. This way, potential competitors are deterred from taking a share.

12. A Business-Bonobo is never without their banana telephone. That way, they can stay in touch at all times with other Business-Bonobos. Also, they're good for snacks.

13. Work disputes are easily resolved. Sex. Also, disputes with technology. Sex. Also sexual feelings for fellow department members. Sex, obviously. Also H & S disputes. Sex. Sex. Sex....

Today, I observed a sporty girl bear an oversized test tube containing what looked like water with what appeared to be pond scum in the top of it

Today, I observed a sporty girl bear an oversized test tube containing what looked like water with what appeared to be pond scum in the top of it. She took a pointlessly big plastic straw, and proceeded to stir the appeared-to-be-pond-scum into the what-looked-like-water, and then plonked the straw right in and took a big contented slurp.

Our interest in health has given the world some very disturbing foods in the past hundred odd years, but none, I submit, quite so disturbing as a test tube full of appears-to-be-pond-scum on top of what-looks-like-water. The adage 'If it tastes good, it can't be good for you' these days seems to submit itself to some flexibility these days: 'If it tastes yuck and looks disgusting, it must be brilliant for you', perhaps. Certainly, I never thought I would see the day when people would present themselves in front of me drinking gigantic beakers full of pond scum. What happened to friendly old men drinking unknown substances out of brown paper bags, for heavens' sakes?

I blame Tony Abbott. Or Malcolm Turnbull. Or Daniel Andrews. Or whoever it is one blames for such things at the present time. Whatever. I blame them all.

Thursday, January 07, 2016

Innocent interpretations of internet acronyms

MILF - Man, I Like Flamingos!

PRON - Pickles R Okay, Neville!

IWSN - Isn't Wilma So Nice?

PORN - Pickles, Or Radishes - Neat!

WTF -  Why, That's Fine!

NIFOC - Now, I'm Filigreeing Our Crochet.

TMIY - Thanks, Mate! Igloos! Yay!

WTFF - Wendy,  Those Fantastic Flowers!

Thursday, December 31, 2015

My new year's resolution

To open a twitter account and make only one tweet of one character's length, consisting of an obsolete punctuation mark, and a spelling mistake.

Happy new year.

Curses! Spoiled again!

A couple of weeks ago I was having a chat with some folks around the topic of movie spoilers. One guy was saying he hated spoilers, did everything he could to avoid them; another was saying she didn't mind spoilers at all actually, no problem with them. My position was slightly different: hey, sometimes spoilers are the only good thing about a movie; I will actively go out of my way to avoid a movie and read the spoilers instead. Case in point, the upcoming Batman vs Superman movie, or even more case in point, the never-ending series of Star Wars sequels.

These films present me with a curious paradox: I see the previews, I read about everyone else's excitement, and as a result I get all excited myself and want to know how they end. But I find I have no desire, nonetheless, to see the films. That would be a waste of precious hours in my life; the carpe diem poets advise man to seize the day, to Gather ye rosebuds while ye may/ old time is still a-flying - not Go to a bloody movie theatre for two hours and sit through another tedious collection of special effects just so you know how it all ends. You don't actually have to endure your way through to the end of Star Wars episode 1-3 and Darth Vader/Anakin's hilariously anti-climactic "NOOOOOOOOOOOO!" to realise that, aside from filling in a few plot details that people could probably guess anyway, the films are devoid of any artistic interest whatsoever. In fact, Star Wars Episode Whogivesa or Batman vs Superman are hardly movies at all; they are plot twists mistaking themselves for movies.

So to the plot summary on the Wikipedia page I go, then. My favourite part of the plot summary would have to be.... I'm not sure, but my least favourite part would have to be the fact that they've (oh come ON don't tell me you didn't know I was going to include some spoilers in this post) INVENTED ANOTHER BLOODY DEATH STAR FOR THE FILM, I mean it may just be a plot twist mistaking itself for a proper cinematic experience but the least it could be is a NEW damned plot twist. (It's not even original in its unoriginality; Lucas reinvented the Death Star in Return of the Jedi). The most amusing would have to be the fact that evil kid Ren/Ben whatever appears to be having ongoing chats with his dead Dark Side mentor Darth Vader. (Not sure about this last part - they keep on fidding with the Wiki plot summary).

It would be amusing to go on in this way and review the plot summaries of all the crappy films that I don't want to see but want to know the ending too, like Batman vs Superman, but its plot synopsis is still too coy because the stupid non-film hasn't come out yet. I'm guessing neither of them wins. So there goes my career as a Wikipedia plot summary reviewer, then.

Oh, by the way, SPOILERS! This blog post contains SPOILERS! Did I do that right guys?
Email: timhtrain - at - yahoo.com.au

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Me person. Live in world. Like stuff. Need job. Need BRAINS! (DROOLS IN THE MANNER OF ZOMBIES) Ergggggh ...