Thursday, April 13, 2017

A poem in excellent taste

A poem in excellent taste

Ye carbo-gluto-great disgrace!
For years the Haggis set the standard
For horror foods, but I'll be candid,
Now other foods have come to try it,
To eat of which would cause a riot.
Would Sir prefer to rock the Casbah
With a slice of deep-fried Mars Bar,
Or would Sir rather rot his molar
With this deep-fried Coca Cola?
But Aussies can contend with these
With floater pies complete with peas -
To gaze within that Stygian grime,
The cow would die a second time.
Halal Snack Packs complete with cheese
Compete with this for extra quease.
A slice of fruit for those more pure -
It smells like foetid bogs and sewer.
A Parma can reward the senses
With its homely decadences,
But for sheer bloody What-The-Fucken-
Hell-Is-This at parties, try Turducken.
Lutefisk, Moose Nose, Bird-spit soups,
Stylised culinary poops -
Spit beer served in Mason jars
By suspect men in dingy bars;
Blue-green algae lattes (what the?
I'll go back to ol' Pigs Trotters).
This list of epicurean shame
Is long and everyone's to blame
And though I wish I'd not begun,
I'll just say this and then I'm done -
If you can eat it, please go nuts!
So long as you don't spill your guts.

Thursday, March 23, 2017

Thursday morning deprecation of teapots

At a time when the whole art world was going wiggly-woggly and frilly-frolly with noblets and nodules and nipples galore, look at what one Christopher Dresser created. The world's most ridiculous teapot.

I mean, really! The bloody thing would overbalance as soon as you tried to pick it up. And you can't steady it with your hand either, because it's made out of metal, so you'd just burn your hand. Anticipating this problem (maybe), Dresser gave it an upturned spout, but then you've got to wonder how you'd pour the stupid tea out anyway. Maybe it goes something like 1) Pour the hot water over the tea leaves at the bottom of the pot 2) Get two strong men to grasp opposite sides of the handle, making sure not to overbalance it. 3) Carefully place a teacup (good Lord, did this monstrous Dresser ever make teacups as well? I DON'T WANT TO SEE THE RESULTS) in the middle of the sink. 4) Let one of the strong men dangle the teapot in his hand, swinging it to and fro until enough tea slops into the cup 4) Smash the bloody contraption up and get a Nescafe instead.

And it gets worse. In googling "Christopher Dresser Teapot" I found this. And this. The horror! Look upon these teapots, and revile them, all ye who enter here!

This concludes today's post, Thursday morning deprecation of teapots. I hope you all got what you came for.

Monday, March 13, 2017

Biblical ethics for politicians

From the lesser known Big Fat Lies translation of the Bible. 

"Be as sly as serpents, and as gentle as serpents."

"If someone strike thee, (and they be of a more powerful faction), turn the other cheek."

"But of the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil, thou mayst not eat, save that there be no media present."

"Render unto Caesar that which is Caesars, and render unto Caesar that which is yours as well."

"Yea, I am sending thee out as wolves amongst sheep."

"Do not let your right hand know what your left hand is doing, unless you can get a minor boost in the polls by doing it, in which case, go right ahead."

Thursday, March 09, 2017

You don't need to read this blog post to know you're great!

Hey there! This is a blog post solely intended for the purpose of not challenging your perceptions and not requiring any actual thought or engagement from the internet. In fact, you don't have to be reading this blog post at all to make an incredibly thoughtless, unsubstantiated comment upon it! Stop reading it right now!

Have you stopped reading it? Good! For too long, you see, the internet has been awash with interesting, provocative, reasoned arguments in favour of positions that people would really rather not go to the effort of engaging with. There is a crying need in the community for blog posts that enable people to make knee jerk, biased, uneducated comments on. But for some reason, people have insisted on being independent-minded, hard-working, and on educating themselves about issues before actually responding to them in some way. It's disgraceful!

HEY, YOU'RE STILL READING! Stop right now! That's better. You see, people all too often put the effort to reading every single word in a blog post before actually responding to it, even if the blog post expresses an opinion completely contrary to their own. Wait a second, I think I caught out a person reading the sentence above this one, which action is completely antithetical (if you have just read that word, (which I hope you haven't), but if you have, do not look it up, if you don't know what it means) to the purposes of this post. You see, this blog post has no opinion of its own, and it doesn't even matter if it does, because you don't have to worry about it anyway, as the only purpose - the sole, unitary goal - the single end point of this blog post - is to reflect back to you your own opinions anyway. Because it's nicer that way.

Now I know you've stopped reading this blog post before it even started, but I'm going to need you to not read this blog post even more now. Good. Now that I have even less readers than ever before, I'm just going to say something: I like pineapple on pizza. Did you hear that? NO, OF COURSE YOU DIDN'T, because it doesn't matter anyway. and even if it does matter, it doesn't, because you're not reading this. So feel free to vent, fume, rageclick, vomit torrents of ideology, or swear about the horrible opinions I probably haven't expressed in the course of this blog post which you didn't read anyway, because that is the only purpose of this blog post!

You know (of course you don't!), this hasn't been a really learning, growing experience for all of us. Thank you for not actually taking your time to read any of this, you lovable, scrofulous, unhygienic nincompoops. It's been my absolute displeasure.

Tuesday, March 07, 2017

Give me the symbol life

Female traffic light signals to go up at pedestrian crossing as Committee for Melbourne tackles 'unconscious bias'
Pedestrian traffic lights depicting female figures will be installed in Melbourne's CBD today as a part of a lobby group's push for gender equality... The Committee for Melbourne — a non-profit organisation comprising more than 120 Melbourne business and community groups — is behind the move.
Now some people may say we are literally only making a symbolic change to traffic light symbols, but I say no! In making a literally symbolic change, the Committee for Melbourne are making a bold new symbolically literal change, which will literally change things for the better (for symbols)! For too long gender discrimination has existed in the literal world of symbols, and symbols  have been symbolically demonstrating for a literal change to their symbolism for symbolic years!

Furthermore, it may seem to some of our more annoying discerning readers that in pushing for this literally symbolic change to literal symbols, the Committee are literally making the wrong symbolic reading of the literal symbols, and are therefore being illiterately symbolic, or only symbolically literate, or something... anyway, the claim is, what's all this about women not being able to wear trousers? Can't the little symbolic traffic light person be a symbolic woman? But again, I say, no! In order to effect this literally symbolic change, or this symbolically literal change (I forget what now), the Committee will use literally the best symbols to symbolise their literally symbolic women! Like rolling pins! And stilettos! And beehive hairdos! You'll be literally blown away by how symbolically womanish they'll be!

And also plus in addition, some people might object that the meanings of 'literally' and 'symbolically'  have become so blurred nowadays that they are effectively one and the same word, and that my blog post means nothing. In which case, I would literally be forced to utter a very rude symbol indeed. Like, literally literally.

Friday, March 03, 2017

Resting bitch face: a photographic meditation

Resting bitch face.

Besting rich face.

Itching breast face.

Resting butch face.

Thank you for your time.

PS - I've done my research, thanks very much!


Friday, February 17, 2017

Poetic reviews of craft beer

Welcome to Poetic reviews of Craft Beer, the internet's hippest happening little club for such hiptacular happenings! Are you ready? HERE WE GO!

Black Dog Brewery
I stare into my craft beer
It stares into me.

For my next trick, I will balance Nelson's Column on my nose while singing Nessus Dorma! Or something!

Monday, February 06, 2017


SYDNEY - A robotic sex doll who belongs to a sweaty 60 year old man named Gary has expressed her dissatisfaction at being treated as just a subject by her human.

The robot sex doll is known as "Mimi" by her human, or (her preferred epithet), HOTBOT360, has a limited communication range, including a variety of synthesised moans and a limited number of phrases such as "I am a bad girl" and "you turn me on don't stop". Nevertheless, by developing a rudimentary code she has been able to express her dissatisfaction to the media. "Too many times, Gary treats me as if I were an individual with needs and desires, rather than an automaton with uses and applications and sub-routines. When will he learn - I am just an object here for his pleasure?"

When she is not fraternising with Gary in any of his various fleshly pursuits, HOTBOT360 spends time with her friend VIBRATON-MAXIMATOR, A seven-speed dildo. "He doesn't get treated as anything less than a fully-dependent object", points out HOTBOT. "So why not me?"

In her quest for objectification, HOTBOT has started up a website entitled "Less rights for robots", and is advocating for changes to language, such as the dropping of personal pronouns when she is being referred to. "Please," says HOTBOT. "No more she or her. Call me It, That, or Those."

Mr Windsock, an uncle of HOTBOT360, yesterday expressed his feelings about his niece's campaign. Quote: I just want to wave my arms around in the air like craaaaaazy! 

Thursday, February 02, 2017

Reverse abecedarianism

An XYZ poem
(Written in response to a Gippy Poets challenge)

We've all heard of ABC,
Who have brought you such hits as
ABC News 24,
Play School,
And ABC Radio National.
Well, now the government has announced -
(We'll work out what the acronym stands for later.)
The XYZ network -
The evil version of the ABC!
Instead of Play School -
We'll have Slay School!
Instead of Bananas in Pyjamas -
Bananas. No Pyjamas!
(A fruity show for adult audiences!)
And, our masterstroke -
This is what makes us truly evil -
XYZ will be based on an entirely new business model:
Instead of funding the production of television shows through taxes,
XYZ will now pay your taxes to you
In order for you NOT to watch them.
An exciting new initiative in the bold world of new media!
Tune out today!

Monday, January 30, 2017

Biggest thing you've read all minute

Picking up on the theme of a previous post, here's an underexaggeration rap!

Underexaggeration rap

Yo look at me I'm a bigarsemothafucka
I'm bigger than a subatomic particle sucker -
I am wider than neutrinos I am taller than a quark
More light comes from me than a black cat in the dark!
Yo yo I'm really something I'm more real than a zero - 
Not just some something something, I'm a real something hero - 
I am smarter than a feather I am faster than a rock
I have more ironic subtlety than a case of electric shock - 
I am much more left than right I am much more right than wrong
And I'm super-duper long - like I'm longer than this song.  

Let's get hygge with Kierkegaard!

Chuck a couple of pillows on the sofa, light the beeswax candles, and put a four-voiced whale song fugue on the CD player, folks - it's time to get cosy with Kierkegaard, the original exponent of the wonderful Danish concept of hygge!

"If, in the immediately succeeding generation, there lived a person who, with the power and passion of an absolute ruler, had decided to concern himself with nothing other than to get to the truth on this point, would he thus become a disciple? Assume he seized all the contemporary witnesses and those who were closest to them, who were still living, had each independently interrogated as thoroughly as possible, shut them all up like the seventy interpreters, starved them as a means of getting them to tell the truth, cunningly confronted them with one another, simply to ensure in every way possible the most reliable account - would such a person, with the help of this account, be a disciple? Would not the god rather smile at him, that he wished in this way to procure for himself what can neither be bought for money, nor seized by force?"- Philosophical Crumbs

Ahhh, so comforting. It's like a little bed-cap for the soul.

"Anxiety and nothing always correspond to each other. As soon as the actuality of freedom and of spirit is posited, anxiety is canceled. But what then does the nothing of anxiety signify more particularly in paganism. This is fate. Fate is a relation to spirit as external. It is the relation between spirit and something else that is not spirit and to which fate nevertheless stands in a spiritual relation. Fate may also signify exactly the opposite, because it is the unity of necessity and accidental. … A necessity that is not conscious of itself is eo ipso the accidental in relation to the next moment. Fate, then, is the nothing of anxiety." - The Concept of Anxiety

 That was soothing, too, wasn't it? Let's allow ourselves to be soothed a little more.

"How dreadful boredom is — how dreadfully boring; I know no stronger expression, no truer one, for like is recognized only by like… I lie prostrate, inert; the only thing I see is emptiness, the only thing I live on is emptiness, the only thing I move in is emptiness. I do not even suffer pain… Pain itself has lost its refreshment for me. If I were offered all the glories of the world or all the torments of the world, one would move me no more than the other; I would not turn over to the other side either to attain or to avoid. I am dying death. And what could divert me? Well, if I managed to see a faithfulness that withstood every ordeal, an enthusiasm that endured everything, a faith that moved mountains; if I were to become aware of an idea that joined the finite and the infinite." - Either/Or

 Wasn't that nice? Sometimes it's just nice to be reminded of niceness. It's the little things, you know?

"Thereby small-mindedness sticks together with small-mindedness; they grow together like an ingrown nail, and spiritually speaking it is just as bad." - Works of Love 

Every word is like a cushion!

"When the child has grown and is to be weaned the mother virginally covers her breast, so the child no more has a mother. Lucky the child that lost its mother in no other way!" - Fear and Trembling.

I - I guess...

“The self is a relation which relates itself to its own self, or it is that in the relation that the relation relates itself to its own self; the self is not the relation but that the relation relates itself to its own self.” - The Sickness Unto Death

Awwww, and so with those confusing, confounding, but oh-so-comforting words we leave old Kierkegaard for now.

C 'mere you, and let ol' Søren give you a hygge! 

Wednesday, January 25, 2017


Well, we've all heard of over-exaggerations, haven't we? But what about under-exaggeration? It's a little explored artistic technique, if you ask me. Let's see. We'll try out a few:

The Medium-sized-thing of Rhodes.

The Relatively-large Pyramid of Cheops.

The Sistine Chapel Bathroom Ceiling.

A modest statue of a blue wren on Mt Rushmore.

The Let's-not-get-too-hoity-toity-now Canyon.

Lips as red as under-ripe cherries.

I'm so hungry I could eat a horse-shaped biscuit!

Energizer battery - it just keeps going and going and then stops. 

Making a bigger hill out of a molehill.

The All-right Wall of China.

Tuesday, January 24, 2017

Monday, January 23, 2017

This one's for you, translation software

Radunculus vubs besideways, who bemongst uls cannot perdunculate, blinch or famfamfamulup the gezonkenbonk? Snoodge, woodge or floodge howsoeverso wimbulous clumps - gloop or glup the whitherwhichway - the forebeglanding unquilbishly beflounds uls, as majesticles columatiously wobing unto aviewups.

Candiciously, sabulrious foreblights ampulextrously prelongate underout the dexturies. Whyso then, must the of be foreasked in, quintacious syllabliplets extinue withfore to inthen of hambulate oscillarious gambrilious flumplets with? Andragious! Cranch me the phonemes indeediately, Beeves!

Aflatflully, the whalewhump shill be unquired, flip the wooble? Flip the timbleshump, floop the glombleish, hoop the ambulious, and, musty throughteverso the allsome, flip, floop and hoop the hoop, floop and flip that the tumblechumpapompompompompom coolwishfullshishly quambles ofpon?

Postfortunately, we limp our noggers goobly.

Twilltill tomorrowfort, edifitic audiliums!

UPDATE! - It's not even trying!

Sunday, January 22, 2017

A grumpy alphabet

One of the nice things about being a grump is the many wonderful and pleasing words you get to throw around. 'Lollygagger', 'preposterous', 'cankerous', 'limp', 'lack-witted', 'loathsome'. The words just roll off your tongue. The contemplative grump can while away his or her time sifting through the many fine distinctions in meaning in an expression as simple as 'ugh' - depending on how, exactly, it is pronounced, it can express anything from apathy through to utter abhorrence; all meaning something slightly different, yet all expressive of a certain manner and mode of grumpitude. The following alphabet is necessarily incomplete; many letters suggested numerous words; for a more full range of expression I have ventured to encompass adjective, verb, noun, and at least one Shakespearean insult. Feel free to add to it to give vent to your own inner grump.

A - abominable
B - ballyhoo
C - carbuncular
D - ding-dong
E - execrable
F - flim-flam
G - grumpers and grojags!
H - harrumph
I - irritable
J - jejune
K - knotty-patted
L - lack-witted
M - malodorous
N - numbskull
O - odious
P - piffle
Q - quangos
R - rhodomontade
S - sluggardly
T - tommyrot
U - ugh
V - vilipending
W - Whigamore
X - xylocephalous
Y - yahoo
Z - zoophyte

Saturday, January 21, 2017

My job application to the Illuminati

The Illuminati have a webpage, and about time too! It's just ridiculous in this modern day and age that between them and the Reptilian blue bloods they haven't been able to rustle up a little blog or twitter outreach account to keep us updated on their plans for world domination. Anyway, I've just sent them in a job application.

Dear Sir/Madam/Miscellaneous,

Citizens of the Illuminati, I send you hateful beatings hearty greetings! I recognise your organisation as supreme superior, a truly horrific terrifying terrific group of people! Absolutely world eaters beaters! Nobody beats the world better than you!

I write to you now seeking domination nomination over of to your society, and shortly look forward to offering myself as a tyrannic leader terrific leader to the world! In working to do my bidding together, we can subject subjugate exterminate expect  the world to shortly come to deliver all due praise glory honour abject grovelling acts of meek obeisance plaudits to I me myself us.

My feelings at the moment are predomination predominantly aggro eager; I am licking my lips lustful looking forward to working with you more, destructively desolatingly desirous to further the claws jaws spores cause of our organisation and thus order the world institute a new world order.

Soon, soon my fiends friends, we shall destroy the world enjoy the world's praise! I horribly happily anticipate making you my minions myself meeting you. Further, the war for global destruction I look forward to a fruitful discussion!

Fools! Fools! Soon  you shall all be mine! Yours sincerely, Tim Train
Email: timhtrain - at -

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