We three kings can't orientate: a Christmas carol

We three kings can't orientate

We three kings are rather lost

Wandering from coast to coast -

Westward leading still proceeding

We three kings are rather lost.

We three kings can't work it out

Turn the map around, about -

Westward wending, southward sending,

North and left and upwards tending -

We three kings can't work it out.

We three kings are in despair

Neither here and neither there.

High and low and near and far -

We found the star, we lost the star -

Perhaps we should have gone by car -

We three kings are in despair.

We three kings still bumble on

Fumble flap and stumble on -

Now with footsteps not so fast

As our footsteps in the past

Somehow we'll find the Christ at last

Though this whole trip has been disast...

We three kings still bumble on.

O star of wonder, star of night,

Star with royal beauty bright,

Westward leading, still proceeding,

Guide us to thy perfect light.

Notes instead of cleaning Notes while cleaning

Just empty the dust pan on the ground outside. It can only improve the appearance.

Cleaning really makes you notice all the bits so little nobody would notice unless they were actually cleaning. So be sure to leave a few discreet little piles of dust here and there, otherwise people coming home won't be able to notice. 

The leftover bits of dust  are there for contrast, to set off the swept up portions. It's just like a painting. Light and shade...

The bits under things are a carefully balanced ecosystem, and ought not be disturbed. Under the mat. Under the fridge. Under the bed. Under the pants. Under the roof.

Refuse has magical properties, and will form the most amazing shapes when left to its own devices: naval lint and slut's wool.

You don't clean because of what others will think. You clean because of what you think others will think. The others, meanwhile, are cleaning because of what they think you will think.

Arrange to have plenty of friends accidentally drop in while you are cleaning. It's rude to clean while friends are round, so you won't have to do any more cleaning. Plus it's nice to have friends round.

Once you start cleaning it can be hard to stop cleaning. This problem has an obvious solution.

House mess is a carefully ordered type of chaos that allows us to know where everything is. Cleaning is our way of losing everything all over again.

Nobody bothers tidying the majestic forest, and look how popular that is.

An object that has been dropped on the floor in a few weeks actually becomes the floor. No-one knows quite how this mysterious process happens.

What happens under the bed stays under the bed.

The bits under the cushions of sofas have powerful progenitive properties. If left to their own devices, they will eventually yield untold riches.

It is much easier to mess a tidy room than to tidy a messy room.  In fact, even if left entirely on its own, a room will gradually fill with dust and mess itself.

A sublime mountain range is just a mess a few million years on. 

Youse can all use this

An additional verse to Gerard Nolste Trenité's poem about English spelling, accurately entitled The Chaos. You can read the original poem here.

Additional verse to The Chaos

What shall I say to you of youse,

A use which some don't like to use? 

Some find it gross, I find it grouse,

And often use it round my house. 

But please don't ask me to espouse

Upon the wherefores, whys or hows. 

(Australians use it - not the US - 

Land of St Louis - or St Louis!)