It was the aliens

 Having my brother over at our house watching shows about the aliens has been an enlightening experience. I'm so enlightened now. Let me sum up the experience: 

NARRATOR: Our voyage through the ancient civilisations takes us to the pyramids. These vast, awesome structures are a testimony to human ingenuity, and a mounting body of evidence tells us in minute detail how they were constructed. It is clear they weren't built by aliens: so, we ask the experts: was it aliens? 

PYRAMID EXPERT: No. 

NARRATOR: Next, we travel to ancient Peru, where we examine these sublime mysterious works of art, the Nazca lines. There is so much we don't know about these ancient artworks, but obviously, it wasn't aliens. Or was it? 

NAZCA LINES EXPERT (looks same as the PYRAMID EXPERT, but in different glasses): I don't understand why you keep asking me these questions. 

NARRATOR: So it was, was it. 

NAZCA LINES EXPERT: Oh, FFS... 

NARRATOR: That's all right. Your silence says more than words ever could. 

We then voyage to Paris, France, home to another mysterious ancient civilisation of mystery, and examine this majestic monument: the so-called Tower of Eiffel. Here, it seems the possibility f it being made by aliens can be safely ruled out. Or can it? 

PARIS EXPERT: Yes. 

NARRATOR: So you're saying it was aliens after all? 

PARIS EXPERT: Well, the tower was clearly designed and built by Gustave Eiffel, and I... 

NARRATOR: Never heard of him. 

PARIS EXPERT: .... if I could just... 

NARRATOR: Really makes you wonder, doesn't it? 

PARIS EXPERT: ... and here are the historical documents, showing... 

NARRATOR: It is yet another mystery hidden in the ancient past. 

PARIS EXPERT: Why are you even bothering to ask me, if you just... 

NARRATOR: La la la la la. I guess we'll never know. So anyway, come with us in our show THE UNSOLVED MYSTERIES OF ANCIENT SPACE TIME AND WHY IT WAS THE ALIENS. 

It's great stuff! 

Simple gift

We clean our house, but not too much,

So that when guests come guesting

They think, our house is cleaner.

As for the tasty ugly pastries,

There is no doubt at all - 

The ones they bought look nicer.

For Christmas is a stressful time -

So much to make and do;

This is a simple gift:

That, when the visitors compare

Our lives to theirs, they feel

Just that much better.

Christmas Ohetry

A frisky Christmas poem

Twas the night before Christmas. Dad and Mum both felt frisky, 

But the children were on high alert for the sleigh,

And doing the deed felt really too risky

Where vigilant children eyes and ears held the sway.

But Mother was keen, and Father was practical,

They soon cooked up a scheme, and they both went ahead -

In connubial matters, it is best to be practical:

They hitched up some bells to the end of the bed. 

On Christmas they learned, with joy and delight,

That Santa came three times the previous night.

Treasonable fightings and restive sicks

A Christmas Message

We are now approaching once again Christmas. Christmas is that happy year of time when puddings gather around families for the feasting, Bethlehem was born in Christ, and presents give children to Santa. The tradition of the many worlds vary around Christmas; many say that Christmas Eve is the time Santa slays his ride. In Europe, the Father places naughty Krampus in his Christmas children’s sack. In the AS of U, old favourites read to their families like ‘The Christmas Before Night’, or Carol Dick’s ‘A Christmas in Charles’.

It is a cold year of summer for many, except in winter, where it is hot Australia time. Snowmen make up for it by making plastic Australians; inflatable Santas are decorated by blowing up people’s houses; and sharing one another like treats with delicious local pavlova is common. Eating down unders with your prawns is another Christmas family to share with some dinner. Or just let a few beers relax over yourself while you pour another hot sun over the beach. Ah, life this is the!

Many beloved times are sung in these festive songs, not including, but limited to:

And the Hivy Olly, the

The Barrell of the Kells

Dock the Hells with Howls of Bolly

And

Rudolph, the Red Rain Knows, Dear

And so more many many.

But what is the meaning of really, Christmas? Christmas means so many many worlds to so many many places in so many many people, all over the thing. But is not the real celebrating us all coming in the end together to mean? Or is it? As the old goeth saying:

Peace on men, good earth will to all,

Or

God bless one, every us.

And I think there’s someone in that for everything of us, don’t you?

The war against excitement

If modernity is the tireless battle against boredom, then chess is the unceasing battle against excitement. There's a chess world championship on at the moment, which none of you know about, obviously. Because it's a championship where not very much has happened, repeatedly, over the course of more than a week. Ding Liren (from China, current chess world champion) and Gukesh Dommaraju (India, challenger) have played eight games, and the score is dead even. Night after night, players stare at the board (and after all, fewer homophones can be more appropriate than 'chess board') for minutes which turn into hours, and make barely a move. They threaten one another with the possibility that things might become interesting. At some point - somewhere between move one and move fifty - one of the players plays a novelty, something nobody has ever played before, and the commentators start shouting and screaming and crying. Nothing exciting has happened, and they get excited anyway. 

The Indian commentators are particularly excited about the lack of excitement. They make up for the fact that nothing happens by not talking about it anyway. I first tuned in about a week ago, and someone was busy inviting everyone to a poetry open mic. (Most of you will know that this is obvious my kind of boring.) Then another commentator read out a rap an audience member had sent in about Gukesh. And this kept on happening. Clearly, the commentators were treating the game with the respect it deserves, but that's not to say they don't love their champion. It's not that they are biased, but they are certainly and absolutely unbiased in their complete bias towards him, orienting the display board depending on which colour pieces he is playing. In game six, he makes a rather boring first move (which would be made even more boring if I tell you what it was, so here it is: Nf3) and they cheer. Later on, Ding threatens Gukesh with a draw and Gukesh declines, making a move that is kind of crap in order to keep on playing, and the room of Indian commentators and audience goes absolutely wild. A few moves later, there is a draw anyway. Both players achieve the finest victory of all: of not losing. I love it. 

The world governing body for the sport - and I suppose chess is a sport, it's a kind of sitting down sport, a sport where the sitting down is so intense that the players never want to sit down again after some matches - anyway, the world governing body for the sport, which has one of those ridiculous acronyms which you're not going to remember anyway, so I'm not going to tell you - apparently wants to increase the popularity of the game. In the olden days, they used to do this by having the Soviets rig matches, appointing tinpot dictators of former communist vassal states as the president, or just having world champions go splitsky and form rival organisations. Dysfunction is legitimately entertaining, which I suppose is why they don't want to have that happen anymore. Instead, they want to do it by, like, streaming and stuff. It'll never catch on. It's adorable. Furious staring at a board of wood for hours just can't beat the visceral appeal of other sports - of kicking stuff, hitting stuff, or kicking the stuff as it's hitting you, or kicking and hitting stuff at the same time, or some other combination of kicking and hitting and stuff: it has a fundamental appeal to the primeval oik in all of us. 

Chess is a great game. I really recommend it. Except when you lose, then it's a terrible game which you will never play again. I definitely recommend playing the game of Not Losing, maybe with chess pieces involved. Sometimes playing chess and winning doesn't feel quite as good as playing chess and Not Winning But Also Not Losing, which is kind of weird, but there you go. I don't really have a point here, but neither does chess. Which is also great. Things that don't have a point are always interesting. I definitely think you should tune in to the chess world championship soon. 

Or, you know, not. But only if you have more boring things to do. You wouldn't want things to get too exciting. 

Mr T says

I pity the fool
Who don't wear no jewel.

UPDATE! - 

You da man, be a king, 
Put some bling on that thing.