WTFF news: intergalactic conspiracy scheduling clash

MELBOURNE, Sunday - Intergalactic conspiracy conglomerate and 500 card team the Lizard People have been forced to call off their latest meeting arranging world affairs because it clashed with a meeting at the same time and place of global domination group and old man's friendly society, the Elders of Zion.

"It was such an embarrassing mistake!" laughs Ps'norr, of the Reptilians. "We turned into the room we always use at our favourite cafe, the Bearded Iguana, and we found the Elders already present!"
Rabbi Mo Menavich, of the Elders, who describes his group as "friends first, dominators of civilisation second", said to reporters, "It was completely understandable. These scheduling errors are so common! I mean, it was like that time we scheduled a golf match on the same day as the third world w.... oh my goodness, did I just say that? Oy vey!"

AD! Do you or an intergalactic conspiracy confederate that you belong to have scheduling problems? Sign up to the ICCS, or International Conspiracy Cooperative Society, now to help you avoid these awkward mistakes!

EMBARRASSED: Ps'norr of the Reptilians today. 

Conscious Man versus Unconscious Man - a fair and unbiased study performed in a spirit of scientific inquiry

Now, as all of us in the enlightened 'I saw chemtrails in my skidmarks!' community know, there's this little meme been going around about a guy called 'Conscious Man'. Conscious Man is great! Not only does he attain a higher state of being through blissful karmic meditation, but he also does the dishes! I think I hate him already. But can we really know how good Conscious Man is unless we set him next to his opposite - Unconscious Man? Let's perform this little thought experiment now!

CONSCIOUS MAN: 

Is mindful. 

UNCONSCIOUS MAN: 

Is in a drunken stupor on the couch. 

ADVANTAGE: 

Unconscious Man. Come on, who even knows what that mindful shit is? 

*

CONSCIOUS MAN: 

Takes out the garbage. 

UNCONSCIOUS MAN: 

Is in a drunken stupor on the couch. 

ADVANTAGE: 

Conscious Man. 

*

CONSCIOUS MAN: 

Meditates on the Yin and the Yang, the Feng Shui and the Falun Gong, the Chakras and the Yoni, the This and the That, and attains a state of Nirvana attaining the ultimate cessation of all being. 

UNCONSCIOUS MAN: 

Is in a drunken stupor on the - wait. Is he even alive? Oh, that's fine, he just vomited on the mat. 

ADVANTAGE: 

Conscious Man - unless he ectoplasms on the floor while in Nirvanic bliss.  

*

CONSCIOUS MAN: 

Will talk about your feelings, his feelings on your feelings, your feelings on his feelings, any old feelings, sometimes he'll even make up feelings to talk about. 

UNCONSCIOUS MAN: 

Is in a drunken stupor on the couch. 

ADVANTAGE: 

Unconscious Man. He's the strong and silent type. 

*

CONSCIOUS MAN: 

Grooves to the light of the silvery moon in a state of ecstasy. 

UNCONSCIOUS MAN: 

He's not sure whether he did any of that, he can't remember now, but at any rate he's in no condition to do it at the moment. Drunken, stupor, couch. You can fill in the blanks. 

ADVANTAGE: 

Unconscious Man, seriously, who is interested in that sort of nonsense? 

*

CONCLUSION: 

3 points to Unconscious Man, 2 points to Conscious Man, with an error margin of 0.5 points. 

I think you know what this means, chaps - let's get wasted.

Punctuate your own adventure!

New exciting book idea! Punctuate your own Adventure! (Idea may need some more work.)

you are an octopus nazi attack robot one day you are swimming peacefully in axis waters when three marines approach with water grenades what do you do do you ATTACK turn to page 15 ATTACK turn to page 37 you have chosen to ATTACK you wrap the marines in your mechanical robotic octopoid evil nazi arms which have started to rust in the seawater you should really see someone about that and begin to squeeze them in your death grip you lash about fiercely in the water the marines try to loose the catch on their water grenades but they fall out of their hands unused to the bottom of the sea NOBODY DEFEATS OCTOPUS NAZI ATTACK ROBOT you return to your watery lair not seeing a secret submarine sneak up behind you to see what happens turn over the page

Sample punctuation: 

! , ! ? ... () () ( , ) ... ., , , : ! - ... ()

COMING UP NEXT IN THIS EXCITING SERIES: You are an octopus stalinist sex robot!  

PRESENTING SOFT TALK BY A HARD MAN

Presenting soft talk with Rocky Gruntnod

HEYA FOLKS I'M ROCKY GRUNTNOD AND I'M HERE TO GIVE YOU SOME SOFT TALK! 

PILLOWS
FUDGE
KITTEN WHISKERS
DUCKLING DOWN
CUDDLES
LEAF
BREEZE
MARSHMALLOW
BLOOM
FAIRY
WISP
SCHMOODGE
COSY.

WELL THAT'S IT FOR NOW FOLKS TUNE IN NEXT WEEK FOR MORE SOFT TALK I'M OFF TO EAT STONES FOR BREAKFAST NOW. 

Like Lord of the Rings, only with a better plot

Presenting - Life among the Ents, a groundbreaking five hour documentary set amongst a family of these mysterious tree creatures wot you first read about in Tolkien. Using innovative and subtle immersive documentary techniques, our crew capture the lifes and loves of the Ents in a way never before possible.

In the first hour, we introduce ourselves to some typical Ents.

In the second hour, the emotional drama attains an intense climax as several leaves fall to the ground.

In the third hour, there is an unexpected revelation. We're not telling you what it is, but let's just say it's almost as exciting as that time you watched the grass grow.

In the fourth hour, the excitement reaches a fever pitch, but we also learn more about the food and drink of this ancient people. Hope you like looking at mud!

You won't believe what happens in the fifth and final hour. Okay, maybe you will but.... um.... why are you still watching the film anyway?

My entry in the sadly confusing and somewhat disappointing Sunday sermon category

My entry in the sadly confusing and somewhat disappointing Sunday sermon category: 

...there was in those times a man travelling through Samaria to get to some area. We do not know which area this was, but we know he was in Samaria, which was some area he needed to go through while he was travelling from some area to some area. And while he was travelling through the same area (Samaria), he met there another man.
"Art thou from Samaria", the traveller asked the man, "or art thou roaming?"
"I am Roman," replied the man, "That is, some area away from Samaria".
"Thou art roaming away from Samaria?" said the first. "Wouldst thou join me?"
"I would stay in Samaria for a night," replied the second.
"Yea, verily," cried the first, "We will leave this same area, Samaria, and at night we shall come upon some area that is not Samaria: for I, too, am roaming."
"But I am Roman", protested the second, "And I would stay in Samaria, for I have business here".
"But why woulst thou stay if thou art roaming? And how couldst thou stay in some area if thou hadst business here? What strange business could it be?"
"Why, a very good business," said the Roman. "I sell fork handles...."

HERE ENDETH THE LESSON