Time to raise the tone with some poetry

 I hope you're ready for some culture. 

One to remember

It is perfectly poised. It is neat and precise. 

It is dapper and cheerful and, all things considered, perfectly nice. 

 It has Gleichgewicht*, up there on the vert- 

-ical; standing there ever so perky and pert, 

 As it catches your sight and it catches your eye 

And heartily wishes a very good morning, good day and goodbye. 

 It is every way a fine and upstanding community member, 

 There is no doubt at all. A poo to remember**.

*German, 'balance'. Since we're truly in heady cultural territory now, allow me to make the remark that this whole poem is clearly a Mist opportunity. Ho ho ho. 

**Let us all thank beagle Patch for his contribution to world culture, which contribution forms the inspiration for this poem. 

Sometimes I Like To Bark At Things

 (Guest essay by Patch) 

Sometimes I like to bark at things, following which I will bark at things. Variety, they say, is the spice of life, so after that, I will bark at things some more. 

In the afternoons, I will considerately bark at things, and in the evenings I will kindly bark at things. I lead a full and rich life. 

All in all, matters with me are highly satisfying. After an exhausting day of Bark, I like to puff my pipe and perhaps engage in some improving literature or practise the fine arts.

Occasionally, it is true, I am met with the objection of 'Stop' or 'shut up' or 'can we please be quiet for one freaking second' from the humans. But to these objections, I merely reply: don't you spend the day barking (poorly) to one another*? And: aren't your television, radio, phone, etc barking at you all the time? And: once you get out and about in nature, what are even the trees doing?  

Bark. Bark. And more bark. 

In conclusion, I say, thank you for hearing me out. Bark. 

*Repeat after me: bark. Bark. B A R K. Bark. You'll get the hang of it. 

The anti-festival-festival

 Something strange has been happening. For weeks now on social media, people have been going on and on and ON about how terrible Australia Day is and it's not something they'd ever celebrate. Okay... I suppose it's not that strange. But didn't people used to keep their whinging about Australia Day to, you know, Australia Day? It's becoming like a public festival, I tell you - a festival of all round denunciation. A month long festival of being against a thing. Here's how I think things will happen at some point in the not-too-distant future... 

SCENE: Wazza arrives at his local Invasion Day party and is greeted at the door by Dazza. 

DAZZA: Welcome to our Invasion Day party, Waz! 

WAZZA: Thanks Daz, I mean, I had to come, didn't I - just change the bloody date, mate! 

(Someone laughs, Dazza claps Wazza on the back and ushers him in)

DAZZA: Can I offer you a beer mate? (Gives Wazza a beer) 

WAZZA: (Cracks can of beer and gives it a big chug) Thanks Daz. I needed that. 

(Someone cheers) (Several people clap) 

WAZZA: But remember... it's not a date to celebrate! 

(Someone blows a kazoo and his friends laugh) 

(Dazza suddenly looks solemn) 

DAZZA: I think it's time... 

(Gazza sits down at the piano and starts banging out an old, familiar tune - and to the melody of 'We wish you a merry Christmas' everybody in the room sings) 

Oh it's not a date to celebrate

Oh it's not a date to celebrate

Oh it's not a date to celebrate

Just change the date now! 

(Everybody cheers and claps) 

Since you asked

AN ANNOUNCEMENT 

If you ask me how I am, I won't tell you. 

That's just the way I am. 

If you don't ask me how I am, I won't tell you. 

It's important to be consistent. 

If you ask me how I'm not, I might tell you. 

Just to keep you on your toes. 

If you don't ask me how I'm not, I might tell you anyway. 

That's just the way it goes. 

So, to sum up: 

don't ask me how I am, because if you do, I won't. But do ask me how I'm not, because I might, and if you don't ask me how I'm not, I might anyway. So you might as well. Or might not. 

Thank you for your time.