Sometimes I Like To Bark At Things

 (Guest essay by Patch) 

Sometimes I like to bark at things, following which I will bark at things. Variety, they say, is the spice of life, so after that, I will bark at things some more. 

In the afternoons, I will considerately bark at things, and in the evenings I will kindly bark at things. I lead a full and rich life. 

All in all, matters with me are highly satisfying. After an exhausting day of Bark, I like to puff my pipe and perhaps engage in some improving literature or practise the fine arts.

Occasionally, it is true, I am met with the objection of 'Stop' or 'shut up' or 'can we please be quiet for one freaking second' from the humans. But to these objections, I merely reply: don't you spend the day barking (poorly) to one another*? And: aren't your television, radio, phone, etc barking at you all the time? And: once you get out and about in nature, what are even the trees doing?  

Bark. Bark. And more bark. 

In conclusion, I say, thank you for hearing me out. Bark. 

*Repeat after me: bark. Bark. B A R K. Bark. You'll get the hang of it.