Someone tell the Nazguls to stop sniffing paint cans

You probably know that I don't like Tolkien's Lord of the Rings. I especially don't like that bit in the second book, The Two Towers that bit where it really drags because they're just going to Mordor going to Mordor going to Mordor, you know? That's right, the bit I don't like in the second book is all of it, and a little bit more. (Open up The Return of the King and they're still at it, trudging through another set of dreary chapters).

And you know what I think they need in Lord of the Rings? A good train. That's right, some decent public transport infrastructure would really spruce things up. Imagine if all Frodo had to do would be to catch the 10.45 to Mordor, how that would speed things up! Granted there'd be a few stops along the way, various elves and Nazguls to pick up, I suppose, but it'd just be like the Craigieburn train. Nothing a few ticket inspectors couldn't sort out.

Now I know Tolkien's dead, and wouldn't have ever agreed to a train in his book even if he was alive, and I know Frodo's already thrown the ring into Mount Gloom or Mount Doom or whatever they call it, but it's never too late to agitate for a good high-speed rail project, is it? Especially something as vital to national enhancement as the Mordor-Middle-Earth express. All aboooooooooooard!