Santa Horror!

Ten ways to write a story about the Australian Santa shortage...

1.
HO HO NO MORE

They are the store Santas. This brave band, this comradely crew, this laughing lot of loveable larrikins in red have fought for years to maintain the Santa standards, to uphold the ancient Australian tradition of standing around in sweltering summer conditions and chuckling in a merry manner. And now, each year, their numbers are declining. Why?

It's all because of you...

2.
SAD SANTA

One died, quite suddenly, in his sleep. Another was felled by the cop. Still another, after a lifetime of immunity, was inexplicably dropped by a case of the measles and chicken pox at the same time, while another died of a scratch on his finger.

Time is the enemy for Australia's community of senior Santas...

3.
SANTA AND THE LITTLE TICKET OF OPPORTUNITY!

Not many people know this, but becoming a store Santa opens up many new career opportunities for you!

One store Santa in Brisbane recently became a fitness instructor in a Quambatook old person's home! Another store Santa now owns a chain of internationally-unrecognised box factories! Meanwhile, a third store Santa is well on his way to realising his dream of becoming an astronaut: he is currently in his fourth year studying 'Remedial Science 1A'at the Dunedoo Institute of TAFE.

And now, the Santas are looking for you!

4.
IT'S OFFICIAL!

Scientific studies reveal that becoming a store Santa will improve your sex life, make you healthier, happier, and give a rich complexion to your skin!

The pay isn't brilliant, but you can't have everything...

5.
FREE!

YES! You can have a chance to become a loved and valued member of the community instead of just some schmo who types out random newspaper competition!

To find out more about this exciting opportunity, simply turn to page 54 and read on while filling out the attached coupon...

6.
DISASTER!

The spreading epidemic of resignations among the nation's store Santas has reached plague proportions. The very nation is in crisis, and we may soon reach the point of no return.
"I wouldn't say it's as bad as a cyclone or natural disaster," says one Labor Party figure. "It's much, much worse than that."

A crisis management centre has been set up and the volunteer effort to turn back the tide of Santa resignations has been unprecedented...

7.
SANTAS FOR THE NEW GENERATION

Sleek satin gentlemen - they're the Santas of the 21st century, and they're clad in a series of sensuous scarlet robes for your delectation!

8.
A MODERATE OPINION ON THE SANTA SHORTAGE: THE SCUMBAGS WHO HAVE MADE THIS HAPPENED OUGHT TO BE ASHAMED OF THEMSELVES

... now, I'm not one to overemphasise the seriousness of this Santa crisis, but I really reckon those kids who have traumatised the poor store Santas into resigning ought to be bloody ashamed of themselves.

I mean, crying! At Santa! The nerve!

This country is being overrun by communists, I tell you. It's enough to make you cry.

9.
SIR,

Referring to the story by F J in yesterday's paper, the economy is indeed appalling. Not half as appalling as the state of the nation's Santa industry, though!...

10.
VACANT:
Store Santa

QUALIFICATIONS:
Looking stupid in red 101/Human Relations

MUST POSSESS GOOD PEOPLE SKILLS, EXPERIENCE IN WORKING WITH CHILDREN, AN ABILITY TO THINK ON YOUR FEET, AND GOOD PROBLEM SOLVING ABILITIES...