Thursday, November 27, 2008

Nymphomaniac vows to abstain from Christianity before sex

A confirmed nymphomaniac living in a small community outside of Melbourne has vowed to abstain from Christianity before sex.
"The temptation is great," admits Mr. E.N.*, in an exclusive interview with this paper. "But I've made a firm commitment with myself. NO to religion before I come to grips with more serious matters, like sex. It's far too important to play around with."

Mr. E.N. has been delivering pornography door to door and preaching his doctrine of "Sensuality First" in an effort to convert people in his town. He has also been offering subscriptions to Playboy and performing dramatic readings from the magazine in the Town Square for interested audiences. He says that the responses have been 'mostly positive'.

However, Mr E.N. has met with opposition from several other organisations in town. One such organisation is 'Christians against Sex Education for Married People', whose spokesman**, Ms M.R., said in a statement to this paper yesterday, "It's unrealistic to ask people to abstain from Christianity. They have to learn to experiment amongst themselves until they find a belief that suits them. We believe this will allow them to return to sex at a later and more mature period in their lives."

A second organisation, 'Married People against Christianity for Other Married People who Practise Sex Before Marriage,' is more supportive of Mr E.N.'s aims. "It is inappropriate for Christianity to be taught in schools," claims Mr. N.F. "Especially when young people could be getting up to more appropriate activities such as marrying, or having sex."

However, Mr E.N. believes that his "Sensuality First" doctrine will catch on. "Christianity is not a compulsion, it's a choice," he says. "I just want to make sure that people are fully aware of the importance of sex before they start playing around with religion."

Mr E.N. will be debating his arguments*** on local television tomorrow night, against Ms. J.H., a spokesperson for the community-interest group 'Somewhat Confused Christians Against Marriage Before Sex.' He expects a large audience.

*Disclosure: some initials have been changed in order to protect the identity of the initial initials.

**Disclosure: some gender identities have been changed in order to protect the identified genders of several gender identities.

***Not to mention arguing his debates.


Lulu LaBonne said...

I'd certainly throw you a chicken if I knew where to aim it. I'm now inspired to abstain from all religion before my divorce

TimT said...

A chicken? Thanks for the offer! I've been looking for something with which to feather my nest.

TimT said...

It could be called The Cluck of the Draw.

Steve said...

Tim, you may be interested to read an article in New Scientist headed "The dizzying diversity of human sexual strategies" here:

I like the fact that it uses a novel term "sociosexuality". According to the article, your sociosexuality should peak in your late 20's.

Something to look forward to, no doubt.

TimT said...

Something to look backward to, in my case, but an interesting piece nonetheless.

Email: timhtrain - at -

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