Thursday, March 31, 2005

A Difficult Matter

Vikki has a dog to train. Training dogs is a difficult matter. How much do you train them? How much are they capable of learning? Once I had a fox terrier who I taught to sing Puccini's Nessun Dorma while in costume, complete with actions. But she could never reach the high C, and the poor bitch had to be shot. Actually, that's wrong. I'd never teach a dog to sing Puccini. Rogers and Hammerstein is more their thing.

Why do we insist on teaching dogs the same old thing? Why do we teach dogs to come on the order 'come', to sit on the order 'sit', and to stay on the order 'stay'? Things could be made much more interesting. One of my ambitions in life - apart from getting a shrunken head, travelling to Antarctica and Mars, becoming obscenely rich and buying myself a full symphony orchestra - is to get a dog for a pet. I will then train it to come on the order 'Elephant', to sit on the order 'Lamington', and to stay on the order 'Warp Drive Nine, Commander Picard!' Or something of the sort. It will keep me amused in my old age.

I think I'll get a coffee.


Jellyfish said...

5 points for the Rogers and Hammerstein mention, and another 5 for being a crazed genius. 10/10. Hilarious.

Vikki said...

Haaaaaahaha! Or, why not teach it opposites? Come for stay, stand for sit. Jump for lay down. Bad dog means good dog, and "get the fuck outta the kitchen!" means "I love you."

TimT said...

Well, actually... that's just what I did do with my old dog. "Good dog!" I would say, frowning and crossing my arms and growling. "Bad girl!" I would say then, in that high, congratulatory voice. The poor creature didn't know what way was up!

Email: timhtrain - at -

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