Thursday, March 10, 2005

Identity Fun

I've been trying to get myself a passport lately. Do you realise how hard that is, when you don't have one? To get a passport you need a driver's licence; if you don't have a driver's licence, you need a birthcard; to get a birthcard, you need to find your birth certificate along with several other forms of documentation and take it in to the Department of Births Deaths and Marriages ... wherever that is.
And all for what? All you seem to end up doing is proving to the authorities involved what is plainly obvious... that you exist.
Maybe we should do away with all Birth Cards and Licences and Passports, and roll them into one handy


This card is to certify that you, Mr./ Mrs. / Ms. / Miscellaneous* ____________________, exists. Congratulations!

After examination of all official records, the Department of Making Your Business Ours has been able to confirm your current reality.
If you are currently suffering from an Identity Crisis, Amnesia, Multiple Personality Disorder, Self-Doubt, Confusion, or any other type of existential angst, please refer to this card for comfort.
Should the case of existential angst persist, please refer to your neighbourhood philosopher.

* Please circle appropriate option.

Then again, you'd have to be careful not to receive the following:


Dear ____________,

After examining your application for an Existence Card under the Realism Act of 1999, the Department of Making Your Business Ours regrets to inform you that you do not exist.
We have carefully considered all appropriate evidence, and have been unable to confirm you claim for existence.
This could mean one of several things:

1) You have not yet been born,

2) You have been born but are currently dead;

3) You are a notional entity, whose existence may be possible at some point in the continuance of the universe, but who is currently a fiction.

Please return to your womb/grave/brain/alternative unabode immediately. We shall be sending officers around to collect your worldly goods shortly.

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