Haikus are a gateway drug: a public service announcement

 Haikus are a gateway drug. 

"Just three lines, and you'll be fine". 

KIDS, DON'T LISTEN TO THE LIES. 

Soon you'll do them all the time. 

Next thing you know, you're doing odes - 

The heavy stuff. IT'S JUST NOT COOL. 

SAY NO TO HAIKU WHILE YOU CAN - 

And sign up for accounting school. 

Antsy disestablishmentarians

If you get a whole bunch of contrarians in a room together, what happens? Do they all argue it out to see who is the top contrarian, or do they all slyly agree with one another in a passive aggressive attempt to piss one another off? Or does something more shocking happen, and they find that, having opposed orthodox opinion for so long, they are all genuinely in agreement with one another and they never need to start arguing at all? Or - in the somewhat more likely event of them actually not finding any point of agreement at all - what happens if someone actually says "we can't agree on anything at all, can we?" Would it, like, cause the universe to explode or something, or would they all avoid catching one another's gaze and instead look down to their feet as they shuffle awkwardly about the room?

And, while you're all thinking about that, what's the collective noun for a group of contrarians anyway? A disagreement? A beg-to-differ-ance? A Wellactually?

Obsolete units of measurement

pubit - as long as a standard Imperial pubic hair.

Though of course a question remains: curly or straight?

I drink to forget, but never forget to drink

ODE TO THE FORGETFUL DRINKING OF A CUP OF COFFEE 

My morning coffee cup is 

Not yet full 

I have become so very 

Fretful 

I need to get my big warm 

Wet full 

But now I drink it in a fit 

Forgetful 

Alas! I search for it, 

Regretful. 

 Alternative title: "Don't give up your day job".

(Thanks for the inspiration Shelley!)

Lesser-known examples of onomatopaeia

 flomp - the sound of a cat taking up too much room on the bed. All night.

geklangbeplonkenbonk - the sound another German verb makes as it thuds its way through the memory part of the brain, crashes through the understanding bit, flounders about in the confusion and exasperation centres, and comes out at the other end.

snilp - the sound of another one of Tim's socks quietly disappearing in the night.

humber - the quietly disapproving noise of a pile of slowly accumulating unwashed clothes.

conblustergration - the silent, yet terrifyingly audible, sound of 1000 angry mainstream media blog commentators on an article about racism and celebrities.

Balance maintained

Living with vegetarians: the Baron bursts into the study and says, "do you want some quince bacon?'

Living with carnivores: Beatrice the cat finds a mouse, eats the bottom half, and leaves the rest twitching on the front door step.

 Life. It's all about the balance, maaaaaaaaaaan.

The queue

The queue was long, and out the door; 

Each member wished to be before 

Each other member, right behind, 

(Who were, as well, of that same mind). 

 What were the queue all queuing too? 

They queued to join another queue. 

Pointless simile of the day

As quick as a whip in a snowstorm.

The land of the rising polka dot

How great is the Japanese flag? It's a big red spot. There should be more spotty nation flags. It would make the world a more cheery place.

Earth hour poems

Brunswick party
Someone announces "It's Earth hour!"
Shit

Earth hour
We all practice being one
With darkness

Advantages/disadvantages
In the dark
No-one can see
You're a Goth

Advantages/disadvantages

We get to light candles

A small gesture to our own inherent

Pyromania

Advantages/disadvantages

The conversation

Naturally enough

Turns

Towards suicide

Advantages/disadvantages

Half the room gets to use

The torchlight function on

The iPhone 6

Confused guests pile in

To pitch black house

Earth hour.

House bachelor for the week

The Baron has gone to Sydney for a week, so I am pootling about the house indulging in that most simple of pleasures - batching. Let's survey how things have gone so far.

*For dinner tonight, for want of anything better to do, I chucked some stuff at some butter on the stovetop. Then when that was done I added cheese and pasta. Yum.

*For dinner tomorrow night I will be scrounging off friends. Double yum.

*For dinner the night after, pizza. And beer. Actually, there was beer every night - that really doesn't need to be said.

*I've been keeping the house super clean. Just two hours ago I ran a sink full of hot water and squirted some detergent into it. Then I threw all the dirty things I could find in it, including: plates, knives, forks, spoons, bowls, cups, coffee machine parts, honey straining equipment, and socks. Some day I may even take them out again.

*I just picked the espresso machine off the floor, and, noticing that it had flour on it, I dusted the flour back onto the floor. A place for everything, and for everything a place!

*There is a badger in the bathroom, which I am using to catch all the potoroos that have got into medicine drawer.

*I am lounging around on the couch in Australia flag underwear. But then, I do that all the time, anyway.

That's my entry, then

Our crush on poetry continues unabated here at Common Good Books, and to prove it the proprietor is putting his money where his mouth is. Garrison Keillor is offering five thousand dollars in prize money to the seven winners of “‘Poems of Gratitude: The Fourth Annual Common Good Books Poetry Contest.”
  Enter "Poems of Gratitude: The Fourth Annual Common Good Books Poetry Contest."

I gave my love a cold,

She gave me a bag of snot.

 Now we both say to the other

"Hey, thanks a bloody lot".

No point entering poets, I think I've already got this competition in the bag.

I'm too sexy for this poem

I'm too sexy for this poem

I take a sexy selfie for

My sexy selfie shelf ,

But that selfie doesn't match with

My inner sexy self. 

Should I take a second selfie

With more sexy sexy sex? 

Should I sex my inner self up

With more special sex effects? 

Should I make my sexy selfie

Take my sexy sexy pants off

While challenging my inner self

To a sexy sexy dance off? 

It's hard to be so sexy

It's hard to be so glam - 

Cos I'm just so super sexy

I'm more sexy than I am. 

Brewing demystified

Honest definitions of brewing terms

Yeast - weird shit.

Bacteria - more weird shit.

Wild yeast - fucking weird shit.

Starter - weird shit, fucking.

Pellicle - weird shit done by weird shit.

Krausen - Ew! Gross! Just disgusting, man!

Esters - farts done by weird shit.

Carbonation - what the weird shit shits beneath all that weird shit.

Trub - weird shit, asleep, in more weird shit shit.

Secondary Fermentation - Weird Shit 2: Electric Boogaloo.

Beer/wine/cider/mead - what's left over after the weird shit gets the shits and shits off. Yum!

She was a psychopath who liked scones

"She was a right-wing, awful woman". Sentences like this are just so strange. It's such a non-sequitur. It's a bit like saying "She was a psychopath who liked scones". Or "he was a tyrant who once patted a cat". Of course it is really trying to use "right-wing" as a near synonym for "awful" - it's repetition for rhetorical effect - but it just doesn't work. But can you imagine if people really did use insults like this in parliament? "That's so Liberal of you!" (to a member of the Liberals). "Don't be such a Green." (to one of the Greens), "When did you become so progressive?" (to a Labor member). It's kinda what they were elected to do, after all.

Du schmeckst so gut

Here, with apologies to my vast German audience, is my German verse epic in preparation for Valentine's Day entitled "Du bist mein Lieblingsessen."

Du bist mein Lieblingsessen

Du bist mein Lieblingsessen.

Meinen Obstsalat und Haferbrei

Und (doch, ich habe nicht vergessen!)

Mein Toast mit Butter und ein Ei.

Mein Frühstück, meine Hauptmahlzeit,

Meinen Kaffee, Meinen Porter,

Mein Scheschisches Himmelreich,

Und jetzt, meine Schwarzwälder Kirschtorte.

Du schmeckst so gut, mein erst, mein Wurst,

Mein Tomate rot, mein Milch und Brot,

Meinen Hunger, meinen Durst

Du bist, immer und so immer fort.

Metaphorische.

UPDATE! - It has come to my attention that I may have made even more lamentable errors in this than I thought I had originally. I will leave the poem up in its current state but it may require a lot more revision before I take it out in company again. 

Self-Valentine poem

"It can be a challenge to wake up on Valentine's Day on your own." 
This weekend two women are doing away with finding love and focusing on self-love. Valentine's Day: Life coach says do away with finding love and instead romance yourself - ABC

A self-Valentine poem

My and myself went out on a date.

He looked in my eyes and he said that "I'm great!" 

I caught at his hand and I whispered "You too!"

So right then I got married to me (as you do).

The wedding was perfect but at the reception

I caught me making love to a mirror's reflection -

We broke up that day. I was sad. He was hot.

And who am I now I'm the man that I'm not?

Thunk

If being 'grumpy' were such a bad thing, then why is the word so lovely? People who are really serious about wanting less grumpiness should try to get the word changed to some new and unlovely neologism, the examples of which occur every day in politics and the office. As it is, there is hardly anything nicer than being labelled with such a pleasant and homely word as 'grumpy'; there ought to be more of it.

Never encourage them

Positive heckling: the worst sort of heckling.

Good on you for trying!
We all have to start somewhere! (Before you have even started).
This is the best thing I've heard all second!
Don't feel bad! (Said for no reason at all).
Interesting!
Yay!
That must have been good for your self-esteem!
Don't listen to them! (No-one has said anything).
Give yourself a pat on the back!
(Breaks into applause as you reach the third line in a 30 line piece).

Encouragement is never something that should be encouraged, people.

To do list for Australia Day

To do list for Australia Day

Take the notes off your echidna

Polish up your kangaroo

Update your dingo's rego

Plug in your wombats, too. 

Put your ocker through the washer. 

Hang it on the windowsill. 

Give marsupials an extra pouch.

Give a platypus the bill. 

Wear pavlova to a party - 

Say it's just fancy dress. 

But most important, don't forget -

Repaint your OH&S.