Ladies, gentlemen, and people of a more determinate gender. Today, I'd like to welcome you here tonight to what is definitely not, quite possibly, and undoubtedly one of the most exciting competitions around.
THE MONTHLY OXYMORON OF THE YEAR COMPETITION!
It's our inaugural awards ceremony tonight, where we'll be presenting prizes for the fourth time ever in our short but lengthy history! And the competition for the awards has been lacklustre, although fierce: our always-lazy Contradiction spotters have been working as hard as ever. And we're pleased to say that through their comprehensive efforts, we've spotted many, diverse examples of the one contradiction being used; and one wonderful example of many contradictions being used. It has, in short, been a fascinatingly dull, and boringly amusing month. All in a day's work, really!
Here is just a small sample from the lacklustre competition. If we gave you all of the contradictions spotted, let us assure you, they would amount to even less than what is listed below:
- A philosopher in Germany proclaimed "God is dead!" but later discovered that He was not dead; he was, in fact, only resting. The philosopher died shortly afterwards, and decided to write a book about his experiences called "On Death and Dying"
- In a children's hospital in Melbourne, Australia, a woman gave birth to a pair of triplets and a pickaxe that knew the words to Gilbert and Sullivan's operas backwards. However, when questioned afterwards by our spotters, she claimed to know nothing about the pickaxe.
- In Pyrmont, in Sydney, Australia, a man stood on the edge of the bridge in a herring costume, and shouted to the police, "I just want to die!" before jumping off and falling up into the sky.
- In Newcastle, Great Britain, a psychiatrist was devastated to find that, instead of marrying his mother, he had married his wife by mistake. He concluded that he had been living a a lie for the past twenty years, and promptly filed for divorce. Unfortunately, it was with his mother, and when she later found out what he did, his wife merely laughed at him and said that he was stuck with her now.
- In Ringwood, Australia, workers in "Frank's Fudge Factory: You Stack It, We Pack It!", were found to be not working at all, but indulging in acts of buggery.
We are pleased to announce that the Oxymoron of the Year prize for this month goes to neither of the above.
Thanks for coming to our little awards ceremony. Attendance figures this month reach into their zeros! Good night, remember not to slip and bang your heads on the ceiling on the way out, watch out for the extinct wolves (which are plentiful around here), and have a nice day!
Tim, your links stink, you fink!
- John Bangsund's Threepenny Planet
- Broken Biro
- Poetry 24
- Superlative scribbles
- Kirstyn McD!
- Rorrim a tsomla almost a mirror
- More Sterne
- Cam the man from the Dan.
- Too hot to Raaaaaaandallllllll!
- Erin's Excellently Everlasting Effervescements!
- Slammy Infamy
- Hail Paco!
- Baron Blandwagon, purveyor of cyberbunnies, hawker of Roger Corman, and Misruler of the Multiverse
- The Bolta. Aiyeeeeee!!!!!
- Bad Apple Audrey
- The cartoon church
- Sir Martinkus
- A Zemblanian abroad and at home
- A hodge podge of hotzeplotz
- THE SLAMMA!
- Jottlesby's nottings, or should that be Nottlesby's jottings?
- The Snarking of the Hunt
- Jazzy Hands
- David of Metal City
- David the Barista
- The Blogger on the Cast Iron Balcony
- Be an Opinion Dominion Minion!
- ... and Fel
- His brilliant career - from whale sushi to crumbed prawn
- Jo Blogs
- Yet another Tim
- Was two peas, now three peas
- ... Still Life - now with extra rotating cats!
- An Amazingly Awesome Australian Ampersand!
- Blink and you'll miss 'er
- Red in the land of the tigers!
- Wire of Vibe
- Chase him, ladies, he's in the cavalry!
- The Non-palindromical Editrix in Germanium
- Old Sterne
- The briefs...
- ... and the brieflets
- The Purple Blog
- Blairville, lair of all that is wicked and perfidious
- The enticingly acronymical CSH
- EXTREEEEEEEME WYNTER!
- Mark of California
- Silent Speaking
- Lexicon the Mexican
- ► 2016 (60)
- ► 2015 (106)
- ► 2014 (135)
- ► 2013 (173)
- ► 2012 (275)
- ► 2011 (261)
- ► 2010 (288)
- ► 2009 (290)
- ► 2008 (316)
- ► 2007 (392)
- The I Of The Storm
- No Prime Like The Present
- Blog Gossip!
- Crime and Punishment
- Putting the Hi Back in Hi-5
- Chronic Artism
- O What a Beautiful Mourning
- Parenting Tips from Tim
- Mel Brooks, the Producer's "Mel Brooks' The Produc...
- My Father Has ESP
- Brief Update
- The Weird Six
- Holey Cheeses!
- Quote of the Day
- Lazy Long Weekend
- Sunday Morning Pastoral Postage
- The Evils of Communism
- More Definitions From The Poet's Dictionary
- Poetry Corner!
- The Eternal Dilemma
- Attention Melbournians!
- Separated At Birth
- Schnitz the Veal Deal!
- Random Observation
- Unmutual Incomprehension
- When To Tell Your Parents About Oedipus
- Contrafiction in Terms
- Strophe Striphe
- The Department of Grammatological Rectitude
- ▼ April (30)
- ► 2005 (287)