Friday, April 07, 2006

Contrafiction in Terms

Ladies, gentlemen, and people of a more determinate gender. Today, I'd like to welcome you here tonight to what is definitely not, quite possibly, and undoubtedly one of the most exciting competitions around.

Yes, it's:


It's our inaugural awards ceremony tonight, where we'll be presenting prizes for the fourth time ever in our short but lengthy history! And the competition for the awards has been lacklustre, although fierce: our always-lazy Contradiction spotters have been working as hard as ever. And we're pleased to say that through their comprehensive efforts, we've spotted many, diverse examples of the one contradiction being used; and one wonderful example of many contradictions being used. It has, in short, been a fascinatingly dull, and boringly amusing month. All in a day's work, really!

Here is just a small sample from the lacklustre competition. If we gave you all of the contradictions spotted, let us assure you, they would amount to even less than what is listed below:

- A philosopher in Germany proclaimed "God is dead!" but later discovered that He was not dead; he was, in fact, only resting. The philosopher died shortly afterwards, and decided to write a book about his experiences called "On Death and Dying"

- In a children's hospital in Melbourne, Australia, a woman gave birth to a pair of triplets and a pickaxe that knew the words to Gilbert and Sullivan's operas backwards. However, when questioned afterwards by our spotters, she claimed to know nothing about the pickaxe.

- In Pyrmont, in Sydney, Australia, a man stood on the edge of the bridge in a herring costume, and shouted to the police, "I just want to die!" before jumping off and falling up into the sky.

- In Newcastle, Great Britain, a psychiatrist was devastated to find that, instead of marrying his mother, he had married his wife by mistake. He concluded that he had been living a a lie for the past twenty years, and promptly filed for divorce. Unfortunately, it was with his mother, and when she later found out what he did, his wife merely laughed at him and said that he was stuck with her now.

- In Ringwood, Australia, workers in "Frank's Fudge Factory: You Stack It, We Pack It!", were found to be not working at all, but indulging in acts of buggery.

We are pleased to announce that the Oxymoron of the Year prize for this month goes to neither of the above.

Thanks for coming to our little awards ceremony. Attendance figures this month reach into their zeros! Good night, remember not to slip and bang your heads on the ceiling on the way out, watch out for the extinct wolves (which are plentiful around here), and have a nice day!

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