Monday, December 15, 2008

All I want for Christmas is my teeth ripped out of my face

Reader, I must confess. I have been a swine, a cad, an utter reprobate, a moral worm, a beast. Up until now, I would have been the sort of person to blithely go on life's way, nary uttering a word in sympathy or compassion for my poor, suffering fellow mortals. Now, not so! I have turned from my paths of wickedness from whence I have straid, never to stray no more.

Up until two days ago, had a person at my workplace happened to become hurt, my response would have been like so:

WORKMATE: OUCH! I stubbed my foot.

TIM: Isn't that a nice cloud!

Now, however, I know better. Who am I to mock a fellow mortal in their pain and suffering? Sympathy, like a healing balm, must be applied liberally. In future, this will be my response.

WORKMATE: OUCH! I stubbed my foot!

TIM: OH MY GOD! WHO'S YOUR NEXT OF KIN? I'll hire the funeral hearse, & co., & co...

And what has caused me to reform? Well, as Dr Johnson once said, "If a man knows he is to be hanged on the morrow, it focuses his mind wonderfully." And so it is with sickness: reader, I ail, I fail, I am poorly. I may not last for much longer. I am, there is no doubt, on the cusp of death. Or, to put it more specifically, my mouth hurts. Or, not to put too fine a point on it, I have a toothache. I think I know what the problem is, too. My wisdom teeth, those villains in the dental world, which, years ago, my dentist told me would have to be removed at some point in my future life - or else!

I am now in my thirty-first year of age, hale and hearty, and with my wisdom teeth still unremoved. Oh, how I wish it had been different! I can see all too clearly what is going to happen. My corrupt teeth will drop, one by one out of my mouth; and then, the corruption and decay will spread to the rest of my mouth will drop off too. Without a mouth, I will be unable to feed. A mouthless zombie, I will wander the world for a few days, before falling, and becoming a dead, decaying corpse in the gutter. A vision of horror? Nay, dear reader: it is merely a sober and sanguine consideration of the circumstances that lie before me. Perhaps readers of the dental profession out there will spot one or two inaccurate details. However, I feel certain that it is, in essence, true.

Anyone know a good dentist?


forlorn said...

Oh you poor thing! I am much aggrieved to hear this (even though you do mock hypochondria so charmingly!). I still can't think of the loss of my own wisdom teeth without a shiver. I had to be knocked out and have them cut out of my jaw, when I really would have preferred the fully conscious version, since I have a terrible, irrational fear of a general anaesthetic.

My dentist is a very nice sort of dentist with a dinosaur mobile hanging from his ceiling. He still calls me his "little mate", but the lollipops have sadly stopped. I fervently hope that you may find such comfort.

nailpolishblues said...

A dentist handing out lollipops seems a bit perverse to me. 'You're all fine, have this, come back in six months...'

I had the most awful dream the other night that my teeth became loose and fell out and new ones grew. Take my word that it was quite revolting.

Alexis, Baron von Harlot said...

I recommend immediate decapitation.

TimT said...

Decapitation? Pshaw! This is not just a matter of life and death, people. It's much more serious than that!

Steve said...

Didn't clove oil help in Marathon Man? What's the famous question the evil Laurence Olivier character keeps asking as he drills away?

Steve said...

Wikipedia knows all: "Is it safe?"

You can take to muttering that as you walk around the streets.

Maria said...

I do know a lovely lady who's also a dentist. She's a good friend's sister.

I would say she's good, and she's a dentist.

But I've know idea what her dentistry's like.

TimT said...

It would be some compensation, having a good dentist who is, nevertheless, bad as a dentist.

"Oh! I pulled out the wrong tooth! I am sorry. That was dreadfully remiss of me! Put up your feet, I'll just get you a cup of tea to take your mind off it. Do you find the cushion on the seat comfortable?" etc, etc.

Reminds me of the Wendy Cope poem about 'favourite poets' that concludes

You're my favourite poet,
And I like your poems, too.

The Topiary Cow said...

Cow recommends leaving the tooth in place and simply filling any cavities which arise.

Unless it is really crowding the rest of your teeth, there's no reason to remove it. And lots of reasons to keep some more molars.

Yes, you will have to look long to find a dentist whose first thought isn't just "pull it out!" But 20 years on Topiary is very glad she kept hers, and just has little fillings in them. Cute.


TimT said...

Here's just the problem. I have slightly more room at the top of my mouth than at the bottom. The toothache was caused, I think, by the wisdom tooth on my left-hand-upper-side forcing its way (further) out, the only one to have fully done so. And now it has done so in a way that it is longer by a few millimetres than my other teeth. It will have to go before it warps my whole mouth.

The Topiary Cow said...

Oh rats. That is too bad.

Unless they could just sand it off or something.

Things not looking good for TimTs Tooth.


Helen said...

I am, there is no doubt, on the cusp of death.

Don't you mean Bicuspid?

I'm probably too late, but Union Dental opposite RMIT highly recommended.

TimT said...

Thanks Helen, and smashing joke. I've already booked with them actually! I remembered your comment from a while back on Sterne and they were on my short list of dentists to call. It being the silly season I've still got a week or so to wait.

Thankfully the aching has subsided, and my mouth seems not to have fallen off quite yet.

Email: timhtrain - at -

eXTReMe Tracker

Blog Archive