There are some people who would happily sit in their local fruit energy drink store while they wait for their protein-enhanced organically-boosted oxidiser-charged proton-nullified magnetised-depolyethylinised cup of banana smoothie to be delivered, reading a sheet of laminated paper full of advertisements for gyms that are slightly-too-expensive-for-them-to-afford, and watch as the barista merrily sculpts the tiny grass growing out of a tub on their table top with a pair of nail scissors. I am not one of those people.
Don't get me wrong. I like caffeine as much as the next addict. But bloody hell! Have you seen the amount of fruit drinks they have in cafe fridges? Such a diversity of choice is there that every time I walk into a cafe and gaze upon the panoply on offer, I am overwhelmed by one thought, and one thought alone: 'I like Milo'!
The principle concern of drink manufacturers these days seems to be making their drinks seem accessible, attractive, and available - to wankers. So great is this wanker demographic, that each drink has a label, title, and list of ingredients so arranged as to attract the eyes of these wankers. They probably have textbooks on appealing to the Inner Wanking Powers inherent in every customer. Branding is all important, for wankers. Some names and descriptions of drinks follow, accompanied by a short translation:
This name is so annoying, that if I carry it around I will seem like a witty wanker to other witty wankers who want to seem like witty wankers!
ANOTHER BLOODY WATER!
I'm the drink for people who don't want other people to think they drink bottled water and aren't afraid to not admit it!
ORGANIC! _______ [Please insert the terms: 'Lemonade', 'Raspberry', 'Lime' after that title depending on whether it looks yellow, red, green, or mud-coloured]
Organic soft drink - just like normal soft drink, only shit!
I look like ordinary orange juice, apple juice, etc, but I'm tagged a 'smoothie'. I also have weird oxidants and other stuff in me. This seems foolish because I am bought by fools. Why not be another fool and buy me?
Aspirational junk food: it's junk food for people who want to look healthy and happy and virtuous, but don't want to put any actual effort into it.
Tim, your links stink, you fink!
- John Bangsund's Threepenny Planet
- Broken Biro
- Poetry 24
- Superlative scribbles
- Kirstyn McD!
- Rorrim a tsomla almost a mirror
- More Sterne
- Cam the man from the Dan.
- Too hot to Raaaaaaandallllllll!
- Erin's Excellently Everlasting Effervescements!
- Slammy Infamy
- Hail Paco!
- Baron Blandwagon, purveyor of cyberbunnies, hawker of Roger Corman, and Misruler of the Multiverse
- The Bolta. Aiyeeeeee!!!!!
- Bad Apple Audrey
- The cartoon church
- Sir Martinkus
- A Zemblanian abroad and at home
- A hodge podge of hotzeplotz
- THE SLAMMA!
- Jottlesby's nottings, or should that be Nottlesby's jottings?
- The Snarking of the Hunt
- Jazzy Hands
- David of Metal City
- David the Barista
- The Blogger on the Cast Iron Balcony
- Be an Opinion Dominion Minion!
- ... and Fel
- His brilliant career - from whale sushi to crumbed prawn
- Jo Blogs
- Yet another Tim
- Was two peas, now three peas
- ... Still Life - now with extra rotating cats!
- An Amazingly Awesome Australian Ampersand!
- Blink and you'll miss 'er
- Red in the land of the tigers!
- Wire of Vibe
- Chase him, ladies, he's in the cavalry!
- The Non-palindromical Editrix in Germanium
- Old Sterne
- The briefs...
- ... and the brieflets
- The Purple Blog
- Blairville, lair of all that is wicked and perfidious
- The enticingly acronymical CSH
- EXTREEEEEEEME WYNTER!
- Mark of California
- Silent Speaking
- Lexicon the Mexican
- ► 2016 (71)
- ► 2015 (106)
- ► 2014 (135)
- ► 2013 (173)
- ► 2012 (275)
- ► 2011 (261)
- ► 2010 (288)
- ► 2009 (290)
- Things I did on my holidays, by Timothy H Train
- Important political post!
- Idle Novocastrian notes
- Unsolicited dog photographs
- Naughty Santa
- Words which I use incorrectly
- Ancient people you can relate to
- Tongue twister
- The Christmas that ate Christmas
- Getting into the spirits, getting into the seasoni...
- The difference between 'think' and 'tell'
- Out of Zeit, out of Geist
- Aspirational junk food
- This is not a review
- All I want for Christmas is my teeth ripped out of...
- Nasal gazing
- Everyone talks to themselves, don't they?
- Better the Minogue than the Maxogue
- Comments with no post...
- How to philander, one pat at a time
- The tap dancing won me over
- Very absent voters
- Cat of destruction!
- Utter flapdoodle!
- Creative uses of modern environmental concepts!
- His finest hour
- ▼ December (28)
- ► 2007 (392)
- ► 2006 (373)
- ► 2005 (287)