Literary criticism as a medical condition

MAN WHO CAN'T FINISH UNPUTDOWNABLE BOOK RUSHED TO HOSPITAL

MELBOURNE, WEDNESDAY - A man who picked up an unputdownable book on Monday morning found that he was unable to finish the book. Several days later, screaming with boredom, eyes beginning to bleed as he attempted another unreadable sentence in the unlikely literary bestseller that he was incapable of putting down even though he wanted to, he was discovered by his neighbours, who immediately alerted the paramedics. He had only made it to page three.

"We could see it was a serious case," says one paramedic who was on the scene at the time. "We couldn't attempt amputation, as he was still capable of reading through the unputdownable book, with a little gentle encouragement. Only the most serious cases of unreadable unputdownable books are treated with amputation."

The man, who was given stimulants to assist him in his reading of the unputdownable book, finished it four nights later, and put it down with what is reported as "a sigh of relief."
"From now on I'm only going to read eminently putdownable books by the most awful authors imaginable," says the man. "Postmodern theory, for instance. Once I start that, I find I CAN stop - and frequently do."

WHAT TO DO IF YOU PICK UP AN UNPUTDOWNABLE BOOK 1) Do not attempt to put it down. Repeated attempts at doing so may cause pain and significant self-harm. 2) If you have picked the book up with only one hand, keep your other hand well away from the book and reach for the phone and call the paramedics. 3) Place the book down on a table or surface at chest height before it starts to feel heavy. 4) With a careful course of assisted reading, you should be able to make it through the unputdownable book in a relatively short time. Remember, treat unputdownable books like you would any other hazardous substance - do not let any other people near it.