Thursday, January 01, 2009

Seven ways to say "Happy New Year"

1) As a demand
Walk down the footpath staring right ahead, as if you are going to go straight past the people walking the other way. At the last moment, turn your head to them and bark at them, "Happy New Year!" They will reply obediently, if not willingly.

2) As a mantra
Stand by sadly watching the fireworks go off, repeating the words over and over again in a melancholy tone. It helps to have a few drinks in you so that you get in the right mood (sorrowful drunk).

3) As a football chant
Growl it, howl it, shout it, holler it to everyone on the street, whether they care to hear it or no. This works best if you do it right in their ear.

4) Drive-by shooting
Get a designated driver. If you don't have a designated driver, any old drunk will do. Get them to speed down the middle of the busy city street. Stick your head out of the left-hand window and holler it mindlessly down the cavernous alleys and lanes.

5) As a simple wish
Shut up your shop for the day, and say the three words easily and casually at the last customers as they file out. Perhaps have one half corner of your mouth turn up in a satisfied smile (which half, depends on the weather.)

6) With a hat (a personal favourite)
Smile at one or two people as you go by, wait until they wish you it, then lift the hat off your head in brief greeting and offer it as a cheerful reply, or holy benediction (depending on whether you are an ordinary person, or priest, in that order).

7) On your blog
Happy New Year!


nailpolishblues said...

A guy at the pub I was in tonight was saying happy new year - or so I believe - by randomly asking people if he could touch their bottoms.

The Topiary Cow said...

Cow kinda likes the drive-by idea.

Of course, there is also the time-honored tradition of dressing Topiary with rolls of paper for the day.


TimT said...

Now that's manners. Ask first, touch bottoms later.

nailpolishblues said...

I refused rather politely too. I now wish I hadn't. Refusing a well mannered bottom touching leprechaun in a pork pie hat is not so good a story as agreeing to have one's bottom touched by a pork pied leprechaun.

Maria said...

My mother sent me a "Happy New Year" MMS with a blank photo. Yessir. I downloaded a photo that was pure blackness. Confused, I attempted to downloasded it again in case I'd missed something. And again. And again. I paid more attention to that block of nothing than I have to any of my other MMSes all year,

That's one way to get someone's attention, give 'em nothing.

Happy New Year!

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