Saturday, November 13, 2010

Plagues, hordes, locusts, cats

We saw the locust invasion, we did. Hordes of them. Well, more like a single grasshopper which is, what, one thousandth of a single horde? Anyway, Harriet and Beatrice jumped on it every time it tried to hop away, and presented its mangled corpse to us later for inspection. I can't tell you how safe I feel now.

If God ever smites us with small native mammals like bilbies, or hordes of endangered birds, I reckon the cats would be pretty pleased with that, too.

From Lieutenants 'arriet and Beatrice of the Anti-Locust Plague Brigade

Well it was just like this, miss,
I was mindin' me own biz, miss,
I was marchin' with me sis, miss,
As a good cat oughter do.
When I saw with me own eye, miss,
Descendin' from the sky, miss,
A dark cloud on the fly, miss -

Well, they landed with a thump, miss,
With a boom and bang and bump, miss,
A battallion on the jump!, miss,
Grass'oppers on the 'op!
Well, I said then to my sis, miss,
"Bloody 'ell! We can't 'ave this!", miss,
'Cos it really was amiss, miss,
And we thought it oughter stop.

So we boxed 'em and we fought 'em, miss,
We chased 'em and we caught 'em, miss,
What a lesson we then taught 'em, miss,
We turned 'em on their ear;
An' if you cry, "I don't believe you!", miss,
We've a present 'ere to leave you, miss,
No, your eyes will not deceive you, miss -

Report written by Lieutenant 'arriet
Co signed by Lieutenant Beatrice.


Alexis, Baron von Harlot said...

The Locusts' Petition

O don't be cruel to locusts!
For cruelty just ain't cricket.
And if you try to bug us,
We'll tell youse where to stick it.

O don't dissect us insects,
For that is how we dies
And we will come back from the dead
Twenty times the size.

Giant six-legged critters,
Booming 'cross the land,
Chomping on your haystacks,
Expanding out of hand.

Or if that ain't exactly true,
Then please to be refocused,
On matters of humanity
And kindness to the locust.

Mitzi G Burger said...

Beguiled by the locus
of the issues here at hand
I'd pass up hocus pocus
of helicopter manned
by acid droppers
with chemical brews
and whatever spray ensues
from the anti-locust choppers:
and send out Liets. H and B
but only if and when
the numbers reach 'plague scale' again.

ras said...

I wish I could rhyme, but I'm mightly impressed with all of your efforts. They read wonderfully

TimT said...

You just did! Rhyme/I'm. But thanks Ras! I noticed a few hours after I posted this poem that a number of my rhymes are repeated anyway. (This/sis/miss)

So..... who's seen the locusts yet?

Email: timhtrain - at -

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