Tuesday, October 25, 2011

A case of hit and rennet

The Global Retail Theft Barometer 2011 has found that cheese is the most stolen food item in the world, based on a survey of 1,187 retailers in 43 countries. - Caz

Who filched the fetta
Creamed the cream cheese from the shelf,
Who's on the lam with Edam,
Added parma to their pelf?

Who wangled all the Singles,
Put their finger in the Swiss,
Took a motza Mozzarella
Ere we knew what was amiss?

Who touched the Dutch,
Took the camemberts and bries,
Lock, stock and bocconcini
Without so much as please?

There's a lack amongst the lactose
Now the Gorgonzola's gone,
Some rotter took Ricotta
And the Philly's all forlorn -

Who took the cheese?
What could have caused this crime?
Can we put it down to culture,
Or was it just - enzyme?

UPDATE! - How good are the photos on the Global Retail Theft Barometer page, by the way? Well-groomed ladies, the same sort you'd normally see advertising the virtues of some product in a shopping catalogue, looking furtive and slipping stolen items into their bags.


Anonymous said...

Not just in their bags - down the front of their well-tailored suits! My favourite shoplifting vision was in La Samaritaine in Paris. A well-dressed woman with flowing coat tearing open bags of chanterelles, girolles, ceps and stuffing them in her pockets. The coat must have smelt divine for weeks thereafter! Well, to a fungophile at least.

TimT said...

I can boast nothing more glamorous than once seeing a hoodie pinch a packet of chips from a 7/11 in Newcastle.

Anonymous said...


TimT said...

Maybe plastic ACME imitation cheese.

TimT said...

I like the sound of 'truffle in your duffel'. There could be another poem in your French vision.

Anonymous said...

Eagerly anticipated. And how about 'the klep stole the cep'??

TimT said...

What evil minions stole champignons?

TimT said...

Who has shiitakes in their parkie?

Actually what with all those truffles in the duffle, shiitakes in the parkie, and what not, there mustn't be... MUSH ROOM left in those clothes.

Mushroom omelette anyone? With mush instead of egg?

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