Unfascinating fascinators

There were unfascinating fascinators, flimsy forehead floral designs, hideous head contraptions, and hat ladies everywhere on the trams and trains and buses yesterday, tottering into the windows and one another. It's all to do with a bunch of horses running around the track, or something like that.

Anyway, now that it's almost all over - please tell me it's almost all over? - I guess a lot of people will be wondering what to do with all their pieces of garish headwear. Throwing it out would seem like a waste. It would seem a tad ostentatious wearing it to work, too. Here's a few suggestions that they may find useful:

1. TAKE A CUTTING from your garish plastic fascinator or floral headdress in order to grow a beautiful garden of ugly plastic flowers! You'll have a whole array of garish plastic fascinators to use next year!

2. HANG FROM YOUR CEILING as a kind of pot pourri. It's beautiful fragrances... well, it won't have a beautiful fragrance, so just spray it with your perfume bottle or something - will spread through the whole house!

3. PLACE IT STRATEGICALLY IN THE GARDEN and smear it with honey in order to attract a swarm of bees. Soon you will have a useful and workable beehive.

4. ERECT YOUR HAT permanently in an out of the way coastal village, such as Venus Bay or Apollo Bay and use it as an attractive and brightly coloured home away from home! But be aware of squatters who may take up residence in your former headware while you are absent.