Speaking of Mixed Metaphors

And for my next post, I shall simply recycle the best-of-quotes from Gempires:

But small niggles aside, life is a steaming vat of saccharine turtles and I am a big hairy spoon (and that's a good thing), to coin an unusual and nonsensical analogy. Nonsensical metaphors are the fruit of the frappe of life.

It's raining like the ocean hiccupped and landed on the sky and is falling back to earth through a sieve. It's pouring rhinos and godzillas. It's teeming entire countries!

It seems I have the willpower of a penis in a vat of wet vaginas. A flute of pink champagne sits to my right. As if to verify this fact, I just took a large sip. Why is there such a thing as pink champagne? It tastes equally as rank as yellow champagne. I must admit though, it looks sexier. If I were champagne and I had to choose whether to be pink or yellow, I'd most certainly choose pink, even though generally speaking I despise pink. There are a few exceptions. It's like choosing a clitoris over a pimple, or windburn over jaundice.

Now, I have a question. Why do we pay old farts like Gerard Henderson to write for us in the SMH when Gempires does it better, and for free?

Or, to put it another way, why doesn't she get paid for this stuff?