Nothing says I love you like a piglet!It's this campaign Oxfam has going at the moment. You buy a pig for a third-world family and then you give your mother a card telling her about the pig. Or something. It's lame present-giving for the modern generation who think that 'feeling good' is it's own reward. Fuck that, I don't want to feel good, I just want money - or chocolate. I'm not fussy!
But anyway. What a difference a few grammatical markings make: later, I walked past the pamphlet, and it brazenly told me,
I love you like a piglet!What? The pamphlet didn't even know me, but it loved me anyway? And it loved me like a piglet? What kind of crazy kinky shit was this? I didn't want it to love me like a piglet, and I didn't want it to love me any other way! Screw this for a joke! I threw the pamphlet down on the floor and left the room in disgust!
A while afterwards I wandered threw the room again and the pamphlet looked me in the eye - I don't know how it did it, but it did - and it declared straight away:
Nothing says 'I love you' like a piglet!O God. It was the freaking piglet that loved me now. And it was a bloody talking piglet! I broke out in a cold sweat; I think I had visions of myself being raped in a seedy back-alley barn by hundreds of pink-skinned piglets, all squealing in sepulchral tones 'I love you! I love you, Timmy!'
I felt claustrophobic. I crumpled the pamphlet up, hurled it to the other side of the room, and ran howling outside.
But I still didn't buy the fucking piglet.
8 comments:
Sooo, I have some very nice seedlings here, of which I will happily start planting, so that you can neutralise your carbon emissions - in exchange for a small fee, for each seedling.
You'll be taking how many?
(I also have some shaved ham in the fridge and it hasn't spoken to me all day.)
*offers to be Timmy's piglet*
:p
Apparently Sydney Mayor Clover Moore buys her fellow councillors and staff a cow or piglet in the third world every Christmas.
Cows contribute a massive amount to greenhouse gases. The Sydney Mayor should be slaughtering cows instead of giving them as gifts.
The single most effective way to cut carbons would be if we all stopped eating meat and dairy.
Not sure about pigs: maybe they're not as gassy as cows.
What - exactly - does one say when given a gift of a cow or a pig?
And not even a cow or pig that you can take home; someone else gets the animal.
How does one express appropriate happiness and appreciation?
To: Clover Moore.
From: Mr and Mrs Jones and Family
Dear Clover,
Is it Christmas already? Thank you so much for the pig. It is so wonderful to know that somewhere this Christmas, a pig will make a poor, struggling, starving, economically disadvantaged and culturally deprived Somalian family happy. (And where do you keep coming up with these wonderful ideas? We honestly didn't think you'd be able to top that 'Buy a sheep for an Ethiopian' idea last year).
Please accept, in return, our gift of a yak for an economically disadvantaged Mongolian family. It's the least we could do.
We'd so loooove it if you could come to our Christmas dinner this year. We're having roast pork - with crackling!
Delightedly yours,
Mrs J and family.
Gee Timmy, you sure know how to rise to an occassion.
I'm impressed.
I love the idea of someone called 'Clover' buying cows for people.
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