The Seven Habits of Highly Defective People

The company that I work for has a newsletter that's circulated via the internet to staff members. It has crappy articles with titles like "Persistence is the key to success: John Smugs tells how he secured the vital Blerg account!" and "Pointers to Improve Your Phone Technique!" Anyway, I thought that I might submit an article to them, from my experience as a lowly transcriber/typist. Here's how it goes.

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YOU WILL BE HUNTED DOWN LIKE DOGS

I don't know whether any of you have experienced a bad day, but if my experience the other day was anything like the worst experience you could experience, then that's an experience you don't want to have. It started off with me doing the transcript of a boring politician, moved on to an insignificant bureaucrat, and included an unimportant accountant talking about not-very-interesting things. So how do we cope with these 'horror' days? How do we get through these days when we just seem to be 'staring into a black pit of abject terror and despair'? I've evolved several very successful psychological techniques by which I'm able to keep fit and motivated and complete the job for our much-needed clients!

Here's a quick run down of how I approached my day:

BORING POLITICIAN
My thoughts: Please kill me. Please kill me now.

INSIGNIFICANT BUREAUCRAT
My thoughts: I must kill HIM. I will hunt this man down and kill him. No - I will DESTROY him!

UNIMPORTANT ACCOUNTANT
My thoughts: Everyone else must be destroyed, too!

So, by a gradual process, I moved from unhealthy thoughts about suicide to homocide to genocide, and bombs, and other weapons of mass destruction. Later, I moved back to suicidal thoughts again. I like to call it my vicious non-cycle. Perhaps you might like to try it some time.
But anyway, it's the people that really make this job worthwhile. As I complete another meaningless media transcript and send it off via email to the address of a government person and/or entity who will never read the transcript anyway, that's what I remind myself about. It's the people that you meet that it's all for.

In conclusion, comrades, I leave you with these thoughts: success is the key to persistence. In order to overcome our overwhelming positivity, we need an underwhelming dose of negativity. And productivity is our watchword!

By applying these simple rules, I believe we can make substantial gains on the income we have earned in the coming quarter!

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So, are you inspired yet?