Friday, June 26, 2009

Rumours of Jeff Goldblum's life faked

It has been revealed that Hollywood actor Jeff Goldblum, who recently fell victim to fake death notices in the press, has also been subject to a number of hoax life notices in past years.

"Rumours of my life have been greatly exaggerated!" laughs the unliving, non-dead Jeff Goldblum, when contacted over the phone for details.

Goldblum, a non-existent entity currently residing in New Zealand while he shoots his latest film, is now ready to reveal the full details about his lack of existence, which he "did not encourage, but was happy to let pass without comment for the sake of my acting career."

Others in the film industry who have worked with the faked Goldblum, confirm he does not really exist.

"It's true," says one, an actor who does exist, but wishes to remain anonymous for the sake of his reputation. "When I first started work with Jeff, I thought he was just going to be an ordinary guy. But it turns out he wasn't there. I mean, when he arrived on the set, there was just this, kind of... lack where he was. Just a name without a body. You know what I mean?"

Another long-time friend of the non-existent Goldblum adds, "He was very nice about it. Not existing, I mean. Love scenes were always the hardest. I mean, here was this actress trying to passionately kiss a non-existent, but very famous, film actor - trying to make love with a guy who, well, just isn't there. It's only when we looked at the camera shots afterwards that Jeff somehow just, well, appeared. He was professional like that. A real gentleman."

[INSIDE: Goldblum speaks out at last about the long life in the acting profession that he hasn't led.]

Extensive investigations by this blog indicate that Goldblum may not be the only Hollywood actor who doesn't exist. Other potential unliving, non-dead actors may include Danny de Vito, Hilary Duff, and Winona Ryder. Harrison Ford, also a recent victim of the fake death notices, is in fact an elaborate hoax by Hans Solo, who has for the past 30 years been hiding out in this galaxy, far far away from the planet of Quazumi, owing to a dispute with a Xernuxian trader over a box of Zalbrunian snuff.

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