Friday, July 31, 2009

Languid lucubrations of a layabout lollard

Swine flu! Figures are getting so high here in Victoria that official estimates figure* that up to 150% of the population is currently infected. And if it gets any higher than that, then things could get very serious indeed. 

I'll give you serious! Swine flu could kill you. Worse, it could offset workplace productivity. And who wants that**? What can we do? Given that the situation could hardly get any worse, we have to do something now, before it gets any better! This is what I propose we do: we all be given a small, government-prescribed dose of swine flu before work goes back on Monday. Call it a pre-emptive seasonal flu, if you like. It would guarantee that we'd all have flu in as orderly and regulated a manner as possible. Also, we could all write letters like this in to work: 

Dear So-and-So from Such-and-Such, 

I am afraid that I am unable to come in to work on the following week as I am due to receive my official dose of seasonal flu upon those days. 


Then again, if we all take sick leave at once, there would be no-one off sick leave to read our letters about sick leave, and we'd all get in trouble, which would be a problem. (Maybe some people would have to take well leave from sick leave?)

It's the best I can come up with at this hour of night. All right, all right, I'm going to bed. 

*Or should that be official figures estimate? I'll get back to you on that one. 
** Put your hand down, please, that was a rhetorical question.


Dan the VespaMan said...

I'm very worried. Everyone and their hog seems to have got swine flu except me. I'm feeling rather left out.

Therefore, I support your call for government issued swine flu so I can feel part of the community again.

nailpolishblues said...

I can't seem to catch any kind of flu either, Dan. Most distressing.

Tim, I work in the health industry and, seriously, only the media cares now. Everyone else is all, 'Flu? Big fucking deal. Go lie down and be quiet.'

Caz said...

Real flu is not much fun. I've only had flu once in my life, about twelve years ago. I still vividly remember lying on the floor in front of my nice gas heater, drifting in and out of consciousness for several hours before coming to the conclusion that I was, in fact, dying.

After another couple of hours it occurred to me that I had the flu. I felt rather stupid about the whole dying scenario thing, but then again, 3000 or so Aussies die from seasonal flu each year ... hey, I could have died.

I have been religious about getting flu vaccinations ever since.

So, you know, you're welcome to take my gov't issue dose of swine flu, in addition to your own dose, although I really wouldn't wish either dose upon you.

Ruby Isabella said...

Once the swine flu hysteria dies down, after the government doses of swine flu, I'm worried that the other flus might get given even more sinister names, such as, rabid donkey flu, maggot flu, the this-could-be-the-end-of-you flu.

TimT said...

Well it does seem to have vanished off the front pages, doesn't it? I guess the MSM didn't get tired of creating mass-hysteria out of nothing, but maybe they just decided to create mass-hysteria out of a different sort of nothing.

I was speaking to Mum on the phone on the weekend and she mentioned there'd been a 'swine' outbreak in Dunedco. Though apparently it was the flu she was talking about, I had a vision of pigs running loose throughout the town, a kind of running of the bulls - with pigs.

Caz said...

"... she mentioned there'd been a 'swine' outbreak in Dunedco."

I would have immediately assumed that the men of Dunedco were running rampant.

TimT said...

Dunedoo, I meant!

Another possibility is that it is the second coming, and Christ decided to turn a bunch of sinners into the Gadarene swine (again).

Email: timhtrain - at -

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