Need a problem? I can help!

You have a chunk of artisan locally-produced goats milk cheese at the back of your fridge. Of course you do, everyone does. I certainly do. You have a chunk of artisan locally-produced goats milk cheese at the back of your fridge, the sort that you occasionally drag out at sophisticated dinner parties to appall and shock people, just like other guests might discuss their political views, or their sexual predilections, (or, if they are members of the Labor Party, possibly both at once) or their favourite abstract expressionist.

Your chunk of artisan locally-produced goats milk cheese (very impressive, very fancy, and incredibly expensive) has mould on it. Naturally it does, that's the point of cheese after all. But how can you tell whether it's the right sort of mould? That, readers, is the Number One Question. Well never fear, for Tim is here!

DOES YOUR CHEESE:
Emit rancid odours akin to old socks and armpit hair thrown together in a blender, drip rancorous fens all over the bottom of the fridge, and is it approximately the colour your skin turns when you even think about eating it?
STATUS: Congratulations, your artisan locally-produced goats milk cheese is perfect. You could have it on little crackers with some wine any time. RECOMMENDED VINTAGES: Chateau Plonk, Sauvignon Wank, or that old classic, the bottle of turpentine you found in the shed. 

DOES YOUR CHEESE:
Attempt to read you some of its poetry the moment you open the fridge door, regularly send off applications for grant money to state and national arts bodies, present you with random petitions about the whales AND emit rancid odours akin to old socks and armpit hair thrown together in a blender, drip rancorous fens all over the bottom of the fridge, while being approximately the colour your skin turns when you even think about eating it?
STATUS: Unfortunately, your artisan locally-produced goats milk cheese has got a little too cultured. However, if you seal it in a zip lock bag, and deliver it to your local Occupy site, they will dispose of it for you.

Another problem successfully dealt with!