Futilitarianism

Aren't computers marvellous? Literally thousands of impressive applications on them that you don't know about*, and would have no idea how to operate if you did know about them, and wouldn't want to use if you did know how to operate them: they're absolutely throbbing with unlocked sensuous potential, I'm sure you'll agree.

Want to unlock that sensuous potential and enter the wild technological vortex of the future? Yes? I'll tell you anyway.

Get a cat. Any cat will do. Cats have a natural affinity with computers: they sit on them a lot. You wouldn't sit on something you didn't have an affinity to, would you? One of our cats, Beatrice, sat on my computer this morning, and within mere seconds had opened up a window that I hadn't wanted opened, to a website that I wasn't particularly interested in, containing a subject that I didn't bother reading about, opened up a sidebar that I had no idea about to the window that I was already working in, and concluded the proceedings by bringing up another little window asking me what I'd like to save (though I hadn't done anything worth saving anyway). And then, to conclude proceedings even more, just... kind of... stayed sitting there while I patted her.

Alternatively, throw out your computer and just get a cat. It makes things much easier.

Beatrice, thankfully not unlocking the throbbing sensuous potential of the toilet.

*They've got to be impressive if you don't know about them.**

** I don't know if that's a compliment or not, it was meant to be.

An open and heartfelt letter

To the Person Who Left the Chocolate Bar Sitting All Alone On Top Of The Sweets Machine At Work For Several Hours, Not Once Coming Back To It,

Just who do you think you are, hmmm? What did chocolate ever do to you that caused you to abandon it in so cruel, so unjustifiable a fashion? Did you think the chocolate bar looked at you in the wrong way or something? You ought to be ashamed of yourself! Chocolate never hates. Chocolate loves. Chocolate is kind and witty and humorous and entirely pleasurable company, and it is very tasty too. I'm taking this chocolate bar out of your hands and you're never getting it back. It's coming to a loving home where it will be welcomed for its natural talents and its innate chocolatiness and its inborn ability to be eaten and appreciated by all and sundry. Don't worry, chocolate. You're safe now. Yum.

As for you, you person who abandoned this chocolate, perhaps you can think about what you've done.

Sincerely, Tim

Proverbs, antiverbs

Broken Biro has this list of proverbs from all around the world. Things like, 'the trunk of the elephant is longer than the beak of the goose, but the feather of the goose in the trunk of the elephant is like the bottom of the rhinoceros in the face of the monkey,' or 'the three fingered goatherd has the oversized carrot of tranquility in his top-right-hand coat pocket, right next to the racing form.' (More or less.) Well, I looked at the proverbs -

'Every hill has its leopard.'
Bahaya proverb

'Who takes a hut, also takes the rats and cockroaches.
Ntomba proverb.

'Do not grab your heel until the ant has bitten you.'
Ekonda proverb.

And I attempted my own:

The tree is very leafy.
Australian proverb

As you know, making up boring proverbs is a great Australian tradition, performed by me since the dawn of time (by which I mean this morning.) So here are a few more ancient proverbs:

The cat is very furry.
Mgomba proverb

The coffee cup is rather empty.
Yambala proverb

He who attempts to blow his nose produces snot.
Ignocious proverb

The rain is particularly wet and watery.
Tsk-blgn proverb

The two-legged chicken stands firmly on its second, and first, leg.
Proverbial proverb

He who carries a handful of eggs is going to make an omelette.
French-Ungolan proverb

I hope you enjoy this timeless wisdom. (You'd better enjoy it, it took me literally minutes to come up with it.)

A nice picture of a bit of a truck

You might remember a few months ago the Baron and myself went on a grand three-day hike from Wangaratta to Bright, covering about 30 kilometres every day.

Now, there are pictures! Here, for instance, is an attractive image of a bit of a truck, surrounded by some countryside.



We should have more attractive bits of trucks scattered about our countryside. It would really pull in the tourists.

Hogamous

One night, American philosopher William James sat up in bed and wrote this poem:

Hogamous higamous
Men are polygamous
Higamous hogamous
Women monogamous.

Which is funny, because one day several decades later American poet Dorothy Parker wrote:

Hogamous higamous
Men are polygamous
Higamous hogamous
Women monogamous.

So who really wrote this hogamous higamous polygamous monogamous poem? The eponymous William James or the eponymous Dorothy Parker? Or was the poem synonymous? Did they both write it? Or did no-one really write it, thus making its authorship anonymous? Was it just, kind of, you know, out there?

Minimonous monomonous
Some poets are eponymous
Monomonous minimonous
Some are synonymous
Minimonous monomonous
And then some are anonymous
Monomonous minimonous
While others are just plain ignominious.

Let's hope that whoever writes the poem, however they write it, whenever they write it, and whatever the poem that they write is, does a good job of it - because if not it would be an abomination. And that would be abominous.

UPDATE! -

Bottomus nottomus
Straights are monotonous.
Nottomus bottomous
Gays are lobotomous.
Bugger the lottomus -
Try Love Hippopotamus.

A nightmare scenario

Just saw this headline:

Bird flu jumps to pigs

Headlines I'd like to see:

Bird flu jumps to pigs from 'flying pig' sub-species

Horse flu jumps to pigs via birds, does a run round the track a few times, then back to horses again

Man flu crosses species barrier!

Okay, that last one is a bit improbable. But just imagine if it did! That would be a nightmare scenario.

Masterchef spin offs

Big Meringue Theory - the tale of two hyper-talented young cooking students who compete to win the affections of an attractive theoretical physicist who lives just next door...

Labor loses election, stays in government

Julia Gillard: unelected Prime Minister of Australia. Twice.

Zsa Zsas in my eyes...

An ode to Zsa Zsa Gabor

The wistful wind whispers, it whispers a name,
It murmurs a rumour, a rumour of fame,
It carries it here like a dream from afar,
And that name the wind whispers – that name is Zsa Zsa.

When you first arrived, Zsa Zsa, in your tutu,
The gents all went gaga, the ladies went goo-goo,
Yes your magic, your mojo, your jubilant juju
Had the suitors all lined up crying ‘me’ and ‘me too!’
- There was even some talk of the drummer from U2 -
For you O for you the whole planet went cuckoo
O Zsa Zsa O Zsa Zsa Gabor.

And the fashion the frocks the frou frou the ricrac
The high necks the low necks the notions the knick-knacks
With the tszujed-up zigzag and sequins as well
By Fifi and Mimi and Coco Chanel –
How much more we adored you O Zsa Zsa Gabor.

When they played on the tom-toms and you danced to the cha-cha
When you shook your pink pompoms with voom and with va va
When you boogied your woogie with Princes and Rajas
And they looked up and cried ‘could it be – ZSA ZSA!’
And then they were then they were sure, O Zsa Zsa Gabor.

And the papers all prattled they babbled their blah blah
With their yadda yadda, their so so, their pish posh, their ha-ha,
But I didn’t care what they said, I cried ‘la la’
For to me you were always the ultimate star
I love you I love you galore O Zsa Zsa Gabor.

May you live forever O wondrous Zsa Zsa
May you feast on bananas and chocolate rum babas
And Turkish delight and baklava and more
And Kit Kats and Tic Tacs and Picnics galore,
O lovely, so lovely Ms Zsa Zsa Gabor.

News you can rely on

Australian chi shortages at record low levels
The flow of Chi through all Australian states and territories is at dangerously low levels, according to latest indications from experts. Measurements of this unquantifiable, invisible, unsmellable, untouchable, tasteless, noiseless, substanceless substance inherent in all things indicate that for the tenth year in a row less Chi has come into Australia than has gone out. If shortages of this intangible undefinable substance continues, it is feared they could have incomprehensible consequences in the future, with horrific, though of course utterly unknowable, impacts on the lives of Australians.

In the words of one expert in the area of Chi expertise, "this would be bad."

Chi as it is meant to look. Though of course you can't see it here, it's busy being all translucent and unknowable and stuff, but in a healthy way.

Solutions
"At this time of historic Chi shortages, all levels of government are working together to achieve a solution, and put yin back in the correct balance with yang, whatever that is," said the PM today, whoever they are.

Across all states and territories, households and businesses are being urged to restrict their personal karma expenditures, whatever they are, and gradually make cut backs in their personal chakra intakes and outtakes, however that is to be achieved, by whichever means necessary.

Valda, Psychic and Chi consultant for the government of former Prime Minister John Howard, argues that there has been a lack of investment in critical Chi infrastructure, thus obstructing the flow of the vital substance, in all its indomitable ineffability. "This has been a mistake by governments of all levels for years". Valda suggests a Chi Department set aside to facilitate the flow of Chi, in which various public servants meditate on the oneness of all things and the thingness of all sensation, put out expensive reports consisting of the word 'Om', and "just sort of send out good vibes, state by state", in order to restore the national spiritual balance.

Diagram of chi as it looks in Australia. Still invisible and unknowable but much, much worse.

Other suggestions improve:
- A whale for every schoolchild
- A gigantic incense stick to be burnt in the national capital, sending out its fumes of calm and serenity across the nation
- Taxes raised in some area or other to improve Chi development somehow or other.
- Couches and cushions in the northern end of Australia to be, sort of, shifted about so the year inflow and outflow of Chi is not restricted, and Australian feng shui can be improved.

Whither chi?
"If these infrastructure developments are undertaken", says Valda, "then I am sure we will notice improvements in nationwide Chi flow, though of course as Chi is all ineffable intangibility we won't really notice them and be sure about them at all, but things will be better."

Could movement of a couch in the Northern Territory impeding feng shui dramatically improve our nation-wide Chi flow?

A good day in my books is a day in my good books

This morning, I forgot to turn the heater off before leaving for work. So theoretically, the house and all its contents could have burnt down in a fire of devastating proportions. That would have not been a positive development.

On the other hand, I did remember to put my pants on. This was, undoubtedly, a positive development. Any day on which I remember to put my pants on before leaving the house is a good day in my books. So, even if the house did collapse in itself on flames, at the very least, I would have been appropriately attired for the occasion.

Let this be a lesson to you: if your house is going to explode in a horrifying fiery apocalypse, always remember to put your pants on first. And possibly a nice hat, if you have time.

Three headlines looking for a column

Match fixing? Asif.

Salman queer fish.

Butt head.

A limerick about Ned, and other disappointing pieces

A limerick about Ned
There once was a fellow called Ned
But alas and alack! He is dead!
So his verse never finished.
It was rather diminished.

A second disappointing limerick
There once was a woman called - what?
Do you know her name? I've forgot.
Nup. I can't recall
What she did at all,
Which screws this poem up quite a lot.

The disappointment never stops
There once was a fellow called John
Who needed to go to the john.
Which in the circumstances was quite reasonable, really.

Continuing disappointment
I once knew this woman called Elle
Whose legs one day suddenly fell
Off under a lorry,
Which made her quite sorry -
And you, I am sure, are as well.

The Age of Nefarious

What, is it the Age of Aquarius this morning or something? Did everyone carry moonbeams home in a jar? Tim Blair's going on about daffodils in the sunlight, and Paco's got a video of penguins chasing a butterfly.

Sick! You people sicken me!

Be festy! Go to festivals!

Timing, as the man who turns up early to work on his day off will tell you, is everything. Well, I certainly admire the sense of timing and consideration shown by Melbourne arts and event administrators, as evidenced by their scheduling over the next month: at least five separate, major calendar events are happening, and if they're not exactly happening all at once, then they're certainly trying very hard to do so.

Check it out: the Melbourne Writers Festival goes from August 27 to September 5, which overlaps with the Darebin Music Feast, going from September 4 through to September 19, which runs concurrently with the Overland Poetry Festival, going from September 10 through to September 19, not to mention the similarly scheduled SF Aussiecon, running from September 2 to September 9, with the AFL Grand Final finishing proceedings on September 25. That's an event no-one knew about, running at the same time as an event no-one wanted to go to, and an event everyone wanted to avoid, as well as an event nobody would be able to get to anyway, concluding with an event that absolutely no-one in the world would want to attend apart from everyone else (who are nobody in particular, anyway). I suppose you might say all the events administrators wanted to help no-one, in as comprehensive a manner as possible.

It looks very much like those people concerned with Melbourne events (and what a concerning thing they are) wanted to help all those people who didn't want to attend those events, not attend several of the events, all at the same time. True, their organisation wasn't perfect, and many of the events still end up occurring at different times. And if people aren't careful they might find themselves actually attending one of the events, accidentally. In a few more years time, however, hopefully we will be able to see all of the above mentioned events happen at once, in the same place, and everyone can fail to attend the events at their leisure, perhaps in a little venue just down the road from the place at which everything is happening, known as 'home'.

In the future, perhaps, updated festival programs could contain not only all events, but all competing events, that you might attend in the event that their event is not the event you wanted to turn up to, eventually. Also, for full accuracy, they should, in all fairness, schedule in the activities that you partake in at 'home' during the time that their events are running (eg: 5 pm - 6 pm, playing with bits of string dangled in front of cats, drinking cup of tea, watching telly). I certainly know what I am planning to do at the time that the planners of those festival plans have planned their plans to take place, and my plans do not coincide well with the plans of the festival planners.

One day, hopefully, cultural festivals and events will be so hard to get to, that they will be left up to cultural professionals, who are paid to attend such events, and carry on with the awesome responsibility of making this city respectable and cultural and hip and sophisticated and urban and shit. In the meantime, the rest of us can just sit around at home being uninteresting, uncultured slobs, doing boring things like writing sonnets, or listening to music, or reading books, or watching DVDs, or holding dinner parties. I certainly look forward to it.

Brief record of my thoughts

1. What a nice cat Bea is.

2. Mmm, Milo.

3. This biscuit is tasty.

4. Ooh, that's a pretty website.

5. OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGODAUSTRALIASTILLDOESN'THAVEANELECTEDGOVERNMENT!

6. I want another biscuit...

Soooo, is not caring about something at all better than very briefly, momentarily caring about something but then forgetting about it right away?

What did Chad ever do to deserve this?

Someone said on Paco's blog the other day that the prevalence of hung parliaments/hanging Chads right across the Anglosphere is mathematically pretty unlikely. That sounds about right. (It's happened in the US, twice, in the UK, in Tasmania, and Western Australia, and now the Australian Parliament. I'm sure there are other examples).

Applying Occam's Razor to find the simplest solution, I think you'll probably find that there's no simplest solution to this. It's so damn complex. I mean, it's not as if the political situation in the US, the UK, Australia, Tasmania, and Western Australia across the past decade are equivalent, though you might like to exaggerate the superficial similarities. (Not looking at anyone in particular...)

Really, what are you left with? You could argue that historical forces (whatever they are) caused it, and that this is just an example of cyclical history. Or you could postulate that it really is just sheer fluke of luck, an astounding historical coincidence. Or you could theorise that God caused it out of bloody-mindedness.

What's the simplest solution? I've no damn idea. Can we go for the most complex solution? Someone, give me a complex solution!

UPDATE! - Hang on, I've got it. A combination of the feng shui in the UK Parliament, and the alignment of certain astrological symbols over the United States, as well as the rise of the Jedi religion in Australia, the operation of the Large Hadron Collider in Europe, and a large proportion of Higgs Bosons over the Pacific Ocean have resulted in a fundamental karmic imbalance which has in turn caused the hung parliaments.

So all we need to do to solve this dilemma is to get together our leading astrologers, Taoists, Jedi priests, Buddhist monks, engineers, and theoretical physicists, perhaps creating a government department to facilitate their operations. So complicated it's simple.

Proposed Herald Sun article

CHILD VICTIMISED ON BIRTHDAY

A baby child has been brutally victimised, being slid down a narrow canal and then threatened by several adults with scissors today, police have been told.

And this traumatic experience occured... on the baby child's birthday.

Thankfully, this horrific event happened in a hospital, and the mother and experienced technicians were quickly there to save the child.

[Insert several more paragraphs, statistics about other children tormented on their birthdays in similar circumstances, reader poll, etc, etc]

...

Listening to Mahler's Lied von Erde while watching Australian Election Pokemon. There's got to be something wrong here...

(Hat tip to Helen!)

Godwins Law sub-clause viii

viii.
At a certain point, n, in the future, there will be a Downfall parody for every significant event of the 21st century.