Monday, September 06, 2010

News you can rely on

Australian chi shortages at record low levels
The flow of Chi through all Australian states and territories is at dangerously low levels, according to latest indications from experts. Measurements of this unquantifiable, invisible, unsmellable, untouchable, tasteless, noiseless, substanceless substance inherent in all things indicate that for the tenth year in a row less Chi has come into Australia than has gone out. If shortages of this intangible undefinable substance continues, it is feared they could have incomprehensible consequences in the future, with horrific, though of course utterly unknowable, impacts on the lives of Australians.

In the words of one expert in the area of Chi expertise, "this would be bad."

Chi as it is meant to look. Though of course you can't see it here, it's busy being all translucent and unknowable and stuff, but in a healthy way.

"At this time of historic Chi shortages, all levels of government are working together to achieve a solution, and put yin back in the correct balance with yang, whatever that is," said the PM today, whoever they are.

Across all states and territories, households and businesses are being urged to restrict their personal karma expenditures, whatever they are, and gradually make cut backs in their personal chakra intakes and outtakes, however that is to be achieved, by whichever means necessary.

Valda, Psychic and Chi consultant for the government of former Prime Minister John Howard, argues that there has been a lack of investment in critical Chi infrastructure, thus obstructing the flow of the vital substance, in all its indomitable ineffability. "This has been a mistake by governments of all levels for years". Valda suggests a Chi Department set aside to facilitate the flow of Chi, in which various public servants meditate on the oneness of all things and the thingness of all sensation, put out expensive reports consisting of the word 'Om', and "just sort of send out good vibes, state by state", in order to restore the national spiritual balance.

Diagram of chi as it looks in Australia. Still invisible and unknowable but much, much worse.

Other suggestions improve:
- A whale for every schoolchild
- A gigantic incense stick to be burnt in the national capital, sending out its fumes of calm and serenity across the nation
- Taxes raised in some area or other to improve Chi development somehow or other.
- Couches and cushions in the northern end of Australia to be, sort of, shifted about so the year inflow and outflow of Chi is not restricted, and Australian feng shui can be improved.

Whither chi?
"If these infrastructure developments are undertaken", says Valda, "then I am sure we will notice improvements in nationwide Chi flow, though of course as Chi is all ineffable intangibility we won't really notice them and be sure about them at all, but things will be better."

Could movement of a couch in the Northern Territory impeding feng shui dramatically improve our nation-wide Chi flow?


Dan the VespaMan said...

A protest march should be organized. Can I suggest the slogan "Free the Chi"?

TimT said...

I suspect the scrabble players have been using up more of the excess Chi/Qi. I wouldn't put it past them.

brokenbiro said...

Maybe you have too many sharp things - I don;t think you should be allowed any... and I ain't just talking about the chi here.

TimT said...

Just keep me away from the sharp and pointy bits at the top of Australia and I'll be right.

Email: timhtrain - at -

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