Monday, January 08, 2007

Fun Activities For Racists!

Good day, racists! This year we've got a wonderful line up of shows, events, and activities for all you neo-nazi anti-semitic apartheid-supporters out there!

The Katwalk Fashion Parade
See the latest in KKK fashion - now our robes are longer and whiter than ever! (Sponsored by KKK-KLEAN! Guaranteed to get your fabrics whiter than white!)

Classic Films
Starting next Saturday, we will be featuring a series of classic film nights. First film is Casablanca. We have made a few minor edits to the production of the original film: Sam is no longer played by a negro, but by Klansman Whitmann; Rick hands Victor and Ilsa over to the Nazis; and the Nazis take over Casablanca. We have made a special print of the film for the occasion: instead of being in black and white, it is now in a purer white and white format. Remember to bring your glasses!

Theatrical Events
This year our focus is on Shakespeare. It has been an established fact amongst clan scholars for decades that Shakespeare did not write any plays at all. They were in fact penned by a literary genius called Cletus from Alabama. A number of the plays of this little known American bard will be performed over the year.

Games Night
Our ever-vigilant Games Masters have excluded all games including black pieces, black balls, or items which are otherwise off-white. The number of games excluded now reaches into the thousands, and include chess, snooker, bowls, and cricket (although we approve of the umpire's costume, the ball is far too red for our liking.) Our most popular event is charades. Don't forget - full Klan uniform or you will be barred at the door!

The Klan debating society intends to hold a number of debates on issues of importance over the year. Our first topic for debate is 'The Question of Israel'. After viewing some stimulating introductory material by Dr Joesseff Goebells, Hezbollah, and Hamas, the floor will be opened to opposing teams. Please, leave your negativity at the door.

Moments Musicale
Music is a universal language that has the power to bring segregationalists of all colours (as long as they're white) together. Our focus this week will be upon Beethoven's symphonies. Contrary to a long-held popular delusion, Beethoven's symphonies were not written by the Hunnish madman at all, but by a little known musical genius called Cletus from Alabama. We will be listening to Cletus 7th and Choral Symphonies tonight, with chorus performed by the Salt Lake City Khoristers.

Painting classes
Ever wanted to learn painting, but never knew where to start? All you need is a brush and a tin of white paint! We'll start small, but by the end of the month, we intend to whitewash the whole town!

I think it's going to be an exciting year!


Anonymous said...

And for all those of you whose legislatures have gotten tough on lynching, try distributing Krispy-Kreme donuts to your local undesirables-of-choice. KK(K) donuts won't kill overnight, but they will kill eventually.

(Take note, Krispy-Kreme, I'm onto your sinister sugar-coated masterplan.)

TimT said...

Krispy Kreme donuts are, admittedly, disgusting - too doughy, and they go absolutely over the top with jam (it's enough to pile on top of 10 sandwiches).

But one of these days I must do a post about donuts, because there are so many donut eating practices I can't abide. Icing, for instance, just DOESN'T GO on donuts: give me cinnamon coating or nothing! Also, donuts should never be heated in the microwave. Also, who cooks the best donuts? Also, is it 'doughnut' or 'donut'?

It's a whole post right there, I tell you!

Anonymous said...

It's "doughnuts", unless you're talking about those Krispy-Kreme numbers, in which case they don't deserve the dignity of correct spelling. I'm with you on the cinnamon front.

Interesting doughnut trivia: the Swedish word for doughnut is the same as the Swedish word for monk, presumably because a doughnut resembles a monk's tonsure.

TimT said...

Hmmm, I was a bit iffy about it, that's all. Macquarie Dictionary seems to think that both spellings are all right.

Thank you for the doughnut trivia; this hypothetical doughnut post could turn into a doughnut epic.

Anonymous said...

Heil, friends, how y'all doing? The man Cletus himself here. Can I hasten to add that in addition to my orchestra, khoral, and theatrical masterpieces, I will be premiering a new work by, well, me - specifcally an artistic tryptych called, simply "The Nazarene". You'll be nailed to the floor. I promise.


TimT said...

That sounds like it will be a sensitive artistic portrayal of the modern existential dilemma we face in this post-structuralist society, or did you mean it more as a metaphorical representation of the surrealist-realist dichotomy in the narrative of futurist art?

Either way, it promises to be a top night out. Five stars!

Anonymous said...

Well heck, Tim. I just wanna nail some people. To the ground.

That's art ain't it?


Email: timhtrain - at -

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