kidattypewriter

Tuesday, January 02, 2007

An Ode

To That Most Honoured Member of the Family Of Wigs, The MERKIN


'A MERKIN (cover your ears if you're under 16) is, in the words of Grose, author and editor of Grose's Classical Dictionary of the Vulgar Tongue (1795), "counterfeit hair for women's privy parts". Besides coming in a range of colours and styles, merkins have the added advantage of being detachable in case of louse infestation. A vigorous boiling should suffice.'

***

Three cheers for the MERKIN, the most marvellous stuff,
This miraculous, magical man-made muff!
It cometh in mauve, violet or vermillion,
And combineth au naturelle with the Brazilian!

'Ere LITTLE MISS MUFFETT sat down on her tuffett
To dine on her curds and whey,
She reached into her jerkin, and took out a MERKIN
(For 'twas exceedingly cold to-day.)


Three cheers for the MERKIN, the most marvellous stuff,
This miraculous, magical man-made muff!
It cometh in mauve, violet or vermillion,
And combineth au naturelle with the Brazilian!

'Twas discovered, they say, by a fellow named GROSE
And set down in a list of commonplace prose;
But who knows for how long English ladies (and such)
Had thrilled to the MERKIN'S velveteen touch?


Three cheers for the MERKIN, the most marvellous stuff,
This miraculous, magical man-made muff!
It cometh in mauve, violet or vermillion,
And combineth au naturelle with the Brazilian!

As fresh cucumber to the pickled gherkin,
So wild pubic hair to MADAME MERKIN.
Its lustrous tangles, its riotous curls,
Are ornament enough for all fine girls.


Three cheers for the MERKIN, the most marvellous stuff,
This miraculous, magical man-made muff!
It cometh in mauve, violet or vermillion,
And combineth au naturelle with the Brazilian!

14 comments:

Kathy said...

Very funny Timbo!! Yerrrs. LOL!!

Reminds me of that old saying

A merk in the hand is worth two in the bush!

nailpolishblues said...

Very droll, Tim.

I am rather wondering at the sheltered life you've obviously lead though...

TimT said...

Sheltered? Me?

Oh, yeah ...

redcap said...

Very funny! Boiling a merkin will get rid of lice, will it? Did merkin-wranglers keep a special pot for the purpose? I can't see anyone wanting to make stew in the same pot...

nailpolishblues said...

It is sheltered to not have parents who discuss this sort of thing at the dinner table isn't it? Well, not merkins exactly but we're in the same, ah, ball park.

Tim's next poem 'Merkin Soup'.

TimT said...

Yummy scrummy
Soup from mummy
Yummy scrummy
Mer-kin soup!

It has a certain ring to it.

nailpolishblues said...

Oh god, I just giggled like a teenaged boy. It does have a certain ring to it. And it provides so many openings.

Charles Murton said...

Merkin Muffly is the name of the president of the United States in 'Dr Strangelove'. All the characters' names have some sexual connotation with the exception of Bat Guano.

Anonymous said...

A Republican voter from Boston
Found her ladyhood needed defrostin'.
"For BUSH I am workin'
In wearing this merkin,"
Cried she before moving to Austin.

TimT said...

I was just browsing on the Robert Burns website, and found this epitaph for Francis Grose.

Epigram On Francis Grose The Antiquary

The Devil got notice that Grose was a-dying
So whip! at the summons, old Satan came flying;
But when he approached where poor Francis lay moaning,
And saw each bed-post with its burthen a-groaning,
Astonish'd, confounded, cries Satan-"By God,
I'll want him, ere I take such a damnable load!"

Mark said...

LOVE the butrterfly!!!

Funny stuff.

Hey, I'm a Merkin. A-merkin.

Geddit??

TimT said...

Heh, I was wondering how long it would take for someone to make that joke.

Do a google search for 'Merkin', and you'll come up with a Merkin performance hall and 'model and TV presenter' Michele Merkin.

nailpolishblues said...

I was being all politically correct about the merkin/American thing, even if it did make me laugh.

viagra online said...

Very fun, thanks for sharing I love fantasy and stuff like that, but what's about the wild public hair ?
I don't get that, anyway cheers for merlyn.
Nice post.

Email: timhtrain - at - yahoo.com.au

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