In light of my current lack of hats, I've decided to hold an open thread in order to discuss several possibilities for my head:
Option 1: The Bowler Hat
Pros: Bowler Hats are respectable.
Bowler hats are so out of fashion they're in fashion. It's the law of fashion, innit?
Cons: Men who wear bowler hats may suddenly find themselves transmogrified into other dimensions as the butt of a surrealist joke.
Option 2: Wear a false beard, which will cover just as much space as a hat
Pros: I'll blend in with all the beardies easily.
Cons: I could accidentally lop it off in a shaving frenzy.
I don't think the false beard would extend to my ears.
Option 3: Wear a turban.
Pros: It could double up as a towel when I take a shower!
Cons: It would be pretty cold after being out in the winter all day, though, so I don't think I'd want to.
Also, if I had a false beard on that day, people might mistake me for Osama bin Laden.
Option 4: Wear a false mullet in order to appear as a travelling bogan!
Pros: Mullets are so out of fashion, they're in fashion again. See the law of fashion, above.
Cons: Being in fashion is so out of fashion that even though mullets are in fashion again, they're out of fashion again again. It's the circle of life, innit. They would cover my ears nicely, though.
Option 5: Wear a real live mullet on my head as a compromise solution.
Pros: It's original.
Cons: If the mullet is live, I might have to go live in a backpacker's hostel in the Hudson River, which would be cold at that time of year.
As headwear goes, it's pretty fishy.
Option 6: Chop off my ears in order to pre-emptively stave off frostbite.
Pros: If I ever turned into Vincent Van Gogh, I wouldn't have to slice off my ears in a fit of pique.
Cons: I don't ever plan on turning into Vincent Van Gogh.
14 comments:
GET A FEDORA - and I'll take my hat off to you.
Ha! Well, they are good. And I know a hat store where I can probably get one from. But I'm a little worried that I'll lose my expensive Fedora in a cold, cold gust of wind and it will be nicked by one of the young scalliwags in the Bronx.
And even if your head isn't irreparably compressed by a shrinking leather vice, the poetic potential of a lost fedora is tremendous: "I was the adorer/ Of my fedora./ Now she's no morer,/ What can restore 'er?" Only better. Yeah, get a fedora.
Deerstalker.
Was there ever any confusion?
Drinking martini, (or at least midora)
With a fedora;
Look like a meanie
In one bad-ass beanie;
Be an absolute corker
In a deerstalker.
What a choice!
The vote seems to be in favour of the beanie. I'll definitely get one of those, but I wonder how much a Fedora would cost? It could be worth it.
I reluctantly concede that a beanie (nay, a balaclava) might be more practical for braving the subarctic terrors of NY, but in all senses but cheapness, inconspicuousness, squash-into-bag-ability, and ear-warming, the fedora is the superior hat. There's a green fedora in P. G. Wodehouse's _Pigs Have Wings_ (worn by a murder victim, unfortunately), which, in my book, clinches matters.
O wonderful, I've never been a murder victim before! Got to look the part, though, you know.
Indubitably. If you're going to get done in, you want to get done in in style.
My dear Timothy, getting, as I am, somewhat late onto this particular bandwagon, may I suggest my three favourite hat types:
1) the Harris tweed flat cap (got one m'self, swear by it in the cold); or
2) a black (NOT green) Bavarian/Tyrol hat. The brim turns up at the back to catch rain/snow (and, admittedly, channel it over your face, but it saves the back of your neck). And, in sombre, go-anywhere black, it'll be perfect for all occasions!
Behold the Proper Harris Tweed! Or perhaps it would be more aptly dubbed the Pro'per 'Arris Tweed. (Not the glottal stop.)
Go see the blokes at City Hatters, at Flinders Street Railway Station, for a considered opinion ;-)
And still no-one has suggested the ever reliable tinfoil hat.
Why are these things always left to me?
Simple, elegant, classical: the tin-foil hat never went out of style. But then, it never was in style either.
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