Sunday, January 21, 2007


So, bearing in mind my upcoming trip to the other side of the world, I've been trawling the Melbourne haberdashers of late looking for a hat to top my tope and thus shield it from the cold, cold streets of New York. As of yet, my head remains - sadly - hatless. I have received several warnings about the state of my ears by my mother: they could catch frostbite and snap off! You have to wrap up well, Timothy!

In light of my current lack of hats, I've decided to hold an open thread in order to discuss several possibilities for my head:

Option 1: The Bowler Hat

Pros: Bowler Hats are respectable.
Bowler hats are so out of fashion they're in fashion. It's the law of fashion, innit?

Cons: Men who wear bowler hats may suddenly find themselves transmogrified into other dimensions as the butt of a surrealist joke.

Option 2: Wear a false beard, which will cover just as much space as a hat

Pros: I'll blend in with all the beardies easily.

Cons: I could accidentally lop it off in a shaving frenzy.
I don't think the false beard would extend to my ears.

Option 3: Wear a turban.

Pros: It could double up as a towel when I take a shower!

Cons: It would be pretty cold after being out in the winter all day, though, so I don't think I'd want to.
Also, if I had a false beard on that day, people might mistake me for Osama bin Laden.

Option 4: Wear a false mullet in order to appear as a travelling bogan!

Pros: Mullets are so out of fashion, they're in fashion again. See the law of fashion, above.

Cons: Being in fashion is so out of fashion that even though mullets are in fashion again, they're out of fashion again again. It's the circle of life, innit. They would cover my ears nicely, though.

Option 5: Wear a real live mullet on my head as a compromise solution.

Pros: It's original.

If the mullet is live, I might have to go live in a backpacker's hostel in the Hudson River, which would be cold at that time of year.
As headwear goes, it's pretty fishy.

Option 6: Chop off my ears in order to pre-emptively stave off frostbite.

Pros: If I ever turned into Vincent Van Gogh, I wouldn't have to slice off my ears in a fit of pique.

Cons: I don't ever plan on turning into Vincent Van Gogh.


Anonymous said...

GET A FEDORA - and I'll take my hat off to you.

TimT said...

Ha! Well, they are good. And I know a hat store where I can probably get one from. But I'm a little worried that I'll lose my expensive Fedora in a cold, cold gust of wind and it will be nicked by one of the young scalliwags in the Bronx.

Korgmeister said...

It's only the cheap, rubbish ones that do that. The Akubra fedoras I sell have a leather headband that will shrink slightly and mould itself to the shape of your head. Once that happens, the hat's pretty much windproof.

Anonymous said...

And even if your head isn't irreparably compressed by a shrinking leather vice, the poetic potential of a lost fedora is tremendous: "I was the adorer/ Of my fedora./ Now she's no morer,/ What can restore 'er?" Only better. Yeah, get a fedora.

Charles Murton said...

I would suggest a sewer-green cap that can be pulled down to cover your ears. They are made of artificial weave, and quite cheap. The point is to look like a slightly threatening local when you take the subway at night - although New York is a very peaceful city these days. You feel safer there than you do in the city here on a Friday night.

nailpolishblues said...


Was there ever any confusion?

TimT said...

Drinking martini, (or at least midora)
With a fedora;
Look like a meanie
In one bad-ass beanie;
Be an absolute corker
In a deerstalker.

What a choice!

Rachy said...

Forget what it looks like just get a great big woolly beanie!

TimT said...

The vote seems to be in favour of the beanie. I'll definitely get one of those, but I wonder how much a Fedora would cost? It could be worth it.

Anonymous said...

I reluctantly concede that a beanie (nay, a balaclava) might be more practical for braving the subarctic terrors of NY, but in all senses but cheapness, inconspicuousness, squash-into-bag-ability, and ear-warming, the fedora is the superior hat. There's a green fedora in P. G. Wodehouse's _Pigs Have Wings_ (worn by a murder victim, unfortunately), which, in my book, clinches matters.

TimT said...

O wonderful, I've never been a murder victim before! Got to look the part, though, you know.

Anonymous said...

Indubitably. If you're going to get done in, you want to get done in in style.

Anonymous said...

My dear Timothy, getting, as I am, somewhat late onto this particular bandwagon, may I suggest my three favourite hat types:
1) the Harris tweed flat cap (got one m'self, swear by it in the cold); or
2) a black (NOT green) Bavarian/Tyrol hat. The brim turns up at the back to catch rain/snow (and, admittedly, channel it over your face, but it saves the back of your neck). And, in sombre, go-anywhere black, it'll be perfect for all occasions!

TimT said...

Behold the Proper Harris Tweed! Or perhaps it would be more aptly dubbed the Pro'per 'Arris Tweed. (Not the glottal stop.)

Anonymous said...

Go see the blokes at City Hatters, at Flinders Street Railway Station, for a considered opinion ;-)

Caz said...

And still no-one has suggested the ever reliable tinfoil hat.

Why are these things always left to me?

TimT said...

Simple, elegant, classical: the tin-foil hat never went out of style. But then, it never was in style either.

Email: timhtrain - at -

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