Saturday, October 27, 2007

Fastest underwear in the west

Connex is complaining about people who do their make-up on the trains, but I don't think there's anything wrong with it. All day, every day, half-formed moues and pre-plucked pouts are whizzing around the city at incredible speeds! Such is the wonder of our modern public transport system that now, people going to and from work can glower and grimace and sneer at one another at faster speeds than ever.

Other things that are zipping between train stations on the public transport system include pink frilly knickers, top pockets, green-scented handkcherchiefs in velveteen waistcoasts, and stubble. It's certainly a wonder the stubble doesn't fall out of people's faces altogether, considering the speed at which some trains go.

But we don't really think about this when we think of public transport, do we? It's more about getting to work, or escaping from home, or whatever.

It's worth noting, also, that another thing that public transport carries along with us as we go from A to B are our thoughts. A survey, recently completed, of Passing Notions Held By People Who Use Public Transport turns up the following examples:

"I like dogs!" - 17 counts

"I am very hungry, and I just ate breakfast." - 43 counts.

"I have a secret desire to lick twenty-dollar notes. I hope nobody finds out." - 2 counts.

"Why do I keep repeating myself? I don't know. Why do I keep repeating myself?" - 2 counts.

"Sex." - 103 counts.

"Why do I keep repeating myself? I don't know. Why does he keep repeating himself? He doesn't know either." - 4 counts.

"Sex - the word rhymes with ex! Ha!" - 1 count.

"It's the ten minutes of peace on the train every morning as I go to work that keep me from committing suicide." - 721 counts.

"I am not really reading this book, just turning the pages surreptitiously in a pathetic effort to make the other passengers think that I am keeping myself amused during this interminable train trip." - 4 counts.

Think about that next time you practice your champion sneering on the trains!


Maria said...

You live in Melbourne. Next time you advise not taking out some champion sneering on trains, think of us poor people in NSW and the crappy CityRail system. Morris Iemma needs to be tied to one of his contraptions and to be taught a lesson. That is, that the train doesn't leave the depot.

I think you've just spawnred a rant, TimT, I might get over to my blog ...

Maria said...

Post written, your post acknowledged, thanks for the kick along TimT!

Post here

TimT said...

Awesome! I love being the inspiration for other people's ideas.

Caz said...

You are an inspiration, period.

If only I knew what to do with it.

This is my failing, not yours.

Caz said...

Isn't that booklet the worst, most condescending, "PR" you've ever seen in your life?

I'm especially partial to the "don't stand in the doorway" chant from Connex.

I mean, WTF!

I'm lucky to get in the door, and if I do, there isn't anywhere else to go. It's squish in and hold your breath as the door closes or don't get on! I ALWAYS stand in the doorway. There is NO OTHER PLACE TO STAND you fucking morooons!!!

I find the makeup thing oddly disturbing. Yes, there really are women who apply their makeup on the train Virginia. It's as bad as leaving home with wet hair. It's akin to wandering the streets naked, or in nothing other than slippers.

I watched, with increasing incredulity once, as a women applied mascara. Maybe her mascara was all dried up, because I swear she kept applying it, five minutes one eye, five minutes the other, then she added a bit more to each, and then repeated the process a few more times. I thought she was going to have to stay on the train all morning, just to finish applying her mascara.

Maria said...

I thought the make-up thing was bad, then I was swapping train horror stories with a friend from the College of Law.

I'm sure the one about the man, errh, pleasuring himself on the train in full view of the passengers has to rank as the most discomforting. Except perhaps for him.

Funnily, it's not the first I've heard this story. Either this happens more often than you'd like to believe, or the people I've heard it from were coincidentally sharing the same carriage.


Caz said...

Oh, there's worse tales Maria.

Yonks ago, Timmy linked to another blogger who had a fulsome post about a tram trip home.

All too vividly, he detailed a young lass giving her boyfriend a blowjob, on a peak hour tram.

It was a true story, from one of the dozens of eye witnesses.

Now that is: eeewwwww!!!

Mitzi G Burger said...

After five minutes of public transport travel in Melbourne I found my increased heart rate slow to a gentle thud. Like being a cat-owner, I'm convinced that being a Melbourne dweller reliant on trams for everyday transport is a great way to reduced and stablising high blood pressure.

TimT said...

'Tis all true. The blogger who witnessed this event was Jon of Sternezine.

I can't dig up the story at the moment, but a google search involving the terms 'Jon', 'tram', and 'fellatio' or 'blow job' should do it.

I also ran across a Facebook discussion group, 'Weird things seen on the New York subway', which I can well believe would have lots of stories to tell...

Maria said...

etdfmbWhat is it about public transport that brings out things in people that should be left well tucked in the trousers?

I'm not sure if there's a fine for "masturbation/fellatio" on public transport but there ought to be.

An officer coming up and tapping a person on the shoulder - "excuse me, you there, remove your hand and show me your ID - errh, no I don't wish to touch it, but I'll take your name and your address and here's a fine! And one for the girl too - oh, and may I give her my phone number?"

You've outdone me caz.

I wish you hadn't - truly eeeewish!

Caz said...

Sorry Maria, but the story is burned into my brain, and if I have to suffer, so should you.

jk said...

Hate to run with the theme here, but I was on a train where a young woman performed a fairly astonishing series of sex acts with a coke bottle.. I think it was the drinking at the end that really scarred my mental landscape, if you catch my meaning.

Strange day that, come to think of it...

prude said...

this blog has truly shown the need for more prudity in the world.

the world has become a desecrated landscape

Helen said...

I like dogs!


Tim said...

Jon's blow-by-blow account is here.

TimT said...

Thank you.

Now readers can enjoy the post in all its visceral glory!

Maria said...

Thank maria for bringing it up.

Or caz.

Or perhaps "bringing it up" wasn't the correct term to use.

Oh dear, now I'M bringing something up.

Too early in the day for me.

And it's almost 1pm.

Email: timhtrain - at -

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