Sunday, October 07, 2007

An open message to all Drunkards

Attention, Drunkards: USE THE TRAM!

It is a fact too obvious to mention that Drunk-Kind are naturally reticient and well-mannered, and therefore have an inbuilt aversion to using public transport.

I would like to personally take this opportunity, on behalf of all non-drunks, who are too sober to share your natural reticience and sense of propriety, to thank you. Your efforts to raise the moral standards on public transport are appreciated, Drunk people.

So go ahead. Go on. Hop on the tram and flail dizzily about, bumping into other passengers and falling at their feet.
Don't worry! The other passengers will be sure to move back and make a space for you. Also, if a seat is already occupied, and you, in your drunken stupour, lurch into the person sitting down and/or attempt to sit down on them, they will stand up for you, out of natural respect for your drunken candour and your rakish charm.

Oh, no. It's quite all right. It's the least we can do!

Don't worry. Make yourself at home. If you feel the urge to speak loudly in a drunken manner to the other passengers and/or the driver, perhaps seasoning your witty repartee with a number of salty imprecations, go right ahead. The other passengers will simply stay silent, possibly looking in the other direction, while others will merely move to the other end of the tram. This is only to ensure that you are given as full a space as possible to express yourself drunkenly.

Don't mention it.

Drunkards! I also heartily encourage you to give full expression to the urge to regurgitate. Let it all out! That's right! Use up as much room as is necessary. The customers and the tram driver will merely move away and/or wipe their shoes, wishing not to impinge upon your your chosen area of artistic expression.

Don't forget to use the seats as a depository for your bottles! All ten of them. Or the floor - any flat surface will do. Don't worry - it will save us the trouble of sitting and/or standing up and/or both.

Drunkards, your dedication to raising the standards of manners and decorum on the public transport is something we are all wholly grateful for. After all, if you didn't edify your fellow pasengers with your company, witty dialogue, and artistic personality, you might be forced to catch a taxi, using money that could be better spent elsewhere. And no-one wants that.

By working together, I'm sure that Drunk-Kind and Sober-Kind can forge a new and better world in an atmosphere of tolerance and respect.



TimT said...

Not based on personal experience.

Not wholly based on personal experience.

Mostly, not wholly, based on personal experience.

Caz said...

Err, okay, so the bird on the right is the drunk one, waiting for a tram home?

TimT said...

Don't drink and fly - or you might be caught on the wing.

Steve said...

It's a lovely photo, and I have no idea why it is at the end of that post!

TimT said...

I put it there because I felt like it. I got the idea from a Tintin comic.

nailpolishblues said...

Ever so slightly bitter.

Some of us are absolutely charming whilst drunk, you know.

TimT said...

Come to Melbourne and get drunk and use the tram, I'm sure you'd lift the standards immeasurably and set an example for the rest of our drunkards. All we ever seem to get is rambling smelly old men who ask for spare change.

Mitzi G Burger said...

All, I am a jolly drunk and not one of the artistic drunks open lettered in this post. To me the two birds represent the chattering classes dissecting the open letter as would the The Age readers over the letters page at brunch.

TimT said...

Maybe I just put them up to say I'm a bit of a featherheaded twit, really.

nailpolishblues said...

Oh dear, I do ramble but I don't [think I] smell or ask for change. I do tend to avoid moving vehicles as much as possible after a few shandies though. I am of a cautious nature.

Email: timhtrain - at -

eXTReMe Tracker

Blog Archive