Saturday, November 03, 2007

A disquisition concerning eggs

This is an egg:

Eggs are commonly produced out of the bums of chickens, or, in the technical parlance of the egg industry, 'the bums of chickens'.

Typically, eggs are small in size and ovular in shape. This is because chickens bums are small in size and ovular in shape, and so it all fits nicely. It wouldn't make much sense for a chicken with an ovular bum to lay a cubic egg, would it? However, if God ever invented a geometrical species of bird with a square bum, we might expect to see cubic eggs being laid. (Similarly, a triangular-bottomed bird would lay pyramidical eggs; and it is just possible that a bird with a perfectly circular bottom might lay perfectly cylindrical eggs.)

It is not known what thoughts go through the chicken's head as it lays the egg. This is because very few thoughts go through a chicken's head at the best of times, and they never know what they are thinking anyway - so how could we have any chance of doing better?

Eggs, therefore, are an extempore production by the chicken - an incidental production of their chicken-ness. The chicken does not sit down and think 'I am going to lay an egg'. Rather, it turns its mind to other chicken matters and clucks in an ovular manner*. Then, a feeling of utter satisfaction comes across the chicken, and the egg is produced. (If this is pointed out to the chicken, it will be faintly surprised.)

After this, the chicken is free to go off and perform other chicken activities, like pecking at seed, or standing and clucking in an aimless fashion for 19 hours or so.

It is not known how eggs first came about. One theory goes that at the dawn of time, a God-Chicken first laid the Primal Egg, from which the entire race of chickens were produced. However, this theory is disputed by another scientific school, who maintain that the God-Chicken itself came from an Uber-Egg. A third theory holds that in the beginning was Eggs Benedict, then Benedict went home and all that were left were eggs.

In other egg-related facts, my fridge used to have an egg in it, but I ate it.

Thank you for your time.

*'...clucks in an ovular manner': this helps to add to the ovular nature of the egg.


nailpolishblues said...

Wasn't there an episode of the Goodies where they had square eggs? It was one of those in the future things.

TimT said...

I don't know, but we used to have ducks whose eggs verged on the spherical.

It's been so long since I saw that show in full...

TimT said...

Although I did recently view a rather funny Goodies You Tube, here.

TimT said...

I sent you an email, by the way, at your hotmail address. Did you get it?

nailpolishblues said...

I did get the email and have even managed to reply!

Today is the perfect weather for sitting at home watching the Goodies. Damn, I wish I was.

Caz said...

Your eggs might come out of a bum.

My eggs come out of a carton.

They are IVF* eggs.

*In vee fridge.

TimT said...

Fridge eggs are anomalies. I'm not sure where they fit into Orthodox Egg Theory.

Same with chocolate eggs - a true mystery of nature. Laid by the Easter Bunny? That has disturbing connotations. (Something chocolate that comes out of a rabbit's bum? Hmmm...)

nailpolishblues said...

For a moment then I thought 'laid by the easter bunny' was an invitation. I really must start reading all the words.

Caz said...

I can understand why some would be attracted to Orthodox Egg Theory, what with the centuries old laying rituals, the symbolic "pop" at the end, speaking in cackles, and the frilly decorations.

However, I've never believed that the Orthodox Egg Theory should be taken literally. Besides, frills don't suit me and the cackling gives me a headache.

Monkey said...

In the worlds before Monkey, primal chaos reigned. Heaven sought order, but the phoenix can fly only when it's feathers are grown. The four worlds formed again and yet again, As endless aeons wheeled and passed. Time and the pure essences of Heaven, the moistures of the Earth,and the powers of the Sun and the Moon all worked upon a certain rock - old as creation, and it magically became fertile... Elemental forces caused the egg to hatch, from it then came a stone Monkey..

its not a chicken tho, but it may explain the origin of eggs perhaps..

TimT said...

Eggsellent quote, Sir (or Lady) Monkey.

Email: timhtrain - at -

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