Saturday, December 08, 2007

Employment pages

Non-Sequitary (PT)

The Coburg Non-Sequitarial Agency is currently accepting applications for the position of Non-Sequitary for a leading media company. You must be strongly qualified in typing, filing, computers, banking, accounts, taking meeting minutes, shorthand, and isn't that a nice tie being worn by Mr Jones today? I don't think Mr Jones has worn a tie like that before, do you think Mrs Jones bought it for him?

Call Sidney at the Non-Sequitarial Agency to discuss the job, other opportunities available in the world of non-sequitarial employment, training options, and isn't it nice weather we're having today?

Deceptionist (FT)

Front desk position. Duties including lying to the boss about the staff; lying to the staff about the boss; lying to clients about what the company sells; lying to the company about what clients are interested in; lying to the management about the staff, the boss, what the clients are interested in, and what the company sells; lying to the staff, boss, clients, and company about the profits the management aren't making; lying about the weather, lying about the news, lying about elephants, and lying about lying.

Our motto is that dishonesty and hypocrisy are the foundation of all modern business, and we must all stand by this!

Call Ms Maud Jenkins at Deceptions International now! 1800 ORISIT?

Quantum Mechanical Engineer (FT)

To become the head of the Postmodern Construction Agency, specialising in buildings that suddenly appear out of nowhere, offices that vanish just as suddenly (perfect for businesses who suddenly find that the tax office is just a little too interested in them), trains that get to the destination instantly (so long as you don't worry about how fast they're going), and train stations that don't exist (perfect for the budget-conscious Department of Transport, though a little troublesome for the passengers).

Very Personal Assistant (PT)

To assist the manager in the regular, day to day process of filing, meetings, meeting minutes, corporate lunches, management of corporate affairs, management of extra-marital affairs, management of clothes, underwear, baths, medical appointments, family disappointments, and bedroom. Looking for the right job applicant, with a view of upgrading the position to...

Too Personal Assistant (FT)

Duties include assisting manager with divorce proceedings, calling incessantly several times a day, leaving spiteful messages on his phone, possessing intimate photographs of the manager, assisting manager in protracted and spiteful court case, typing, and photocopying.

God (PT)

Your duties will include existing in an omniscient manner, smiting, blighting, and supervising the company collection of Plagues and Locusts.


nailpolishblues said...

To whom it may concern,
I write to apply for the position of God as advertised in WTFF, 08 December 2007.
I believe that I am eminently qualified for this position as evidenced by my contrariness, ability to hold and maintain grudges, and my dedication to both smiting and blighting. Indeed, I've have taken a number of university courses on these particular subjects and have excelled without any effort whatsoever. This is, of course, not to say that I do not work hard in my endeavours to smite and blight. I pride myself on continually finding new and inventive ways to revenge and punish and have, over last four years, worked out an apprenticeship for a company of smiters and blighters extraordinaire. (They have, in the colloquial, taught me shit that ain't on no curriculum and defies all human logic and is well beyond common humanity. They are, in fact, so far removed from common humanity that one suspects that they are not human in the least. Still, the less said the better.)
In addition to my years of smiting and blighting tuition, I have studied the arts of strategy, in particular relation to plagues, and have taken an advanced degree in bug husbandry. I have also flirted with amphibian husbandry. My dedication to this cause is such that I maintain a plague of cockroaches merely for my own amusement. Locusts are, of course, a staple of all plague studies and I am well versed in them.
My omniscience tells me that I shall soon be hearing from you with regard to this application. This being so, I look forward to your rather stilted and awkward call and shall be kind to you in your fear.
Yours sincerely,
etc etc

Tim said...

Me laugh.

TimT said...


The present God are cleaning the desk at the moment, but the room will be ready any day now...

nailpolishblues said...

If by 'present' you mean that one I smote this afternoon then I think we can safely say that the problem has been taken care of.

Email: timhtrain - at -

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