Epyotr

(This is a true story! Hope you're all having a great long weekend.)

I live in a flat near St Georges Road –

A nice little place; a humble abode;
The neighbours are friendly, the rent isn’t dear:
The shops are quite close, and the transport is near -
So cosily comfortably calming and quiet -
But did I say quiet? The place is a RIOT,
With –

BONG! BONG! BONG! BONG!
BONG! BONG! BONG! BONG!

- by night and by day and by day and by night,
And

BONG! BONG! BONG! BONG!
BONG! BONG! BONG! BONG!

All night, every night, ‘til just before light;
As the trains hurry by, and the eager bells cry
The train crossing, train crossing lullaby.

Well they say location, location, location -
In my case in between two FREAKING TRAIN STATIONS!
A masochist’s dream! A sadist’s delight!
Each hour, you get a guaranteed fright!
Perhaps your demeanour is naturally calm?
We’re sure that these bells will cause you alarm!
Bored? Apathetic? Just can’t give a toss?
Our train crossing bells will soon make you cross!
You DON’T care, you WON’T care, but soon you WILL care
When you hear

BONG! BONG! BONG! BONG!
BONG! BONG! BONG! BONG!

and you hear

BONG! BONG! BONG! BONG!
BONG! BONG! BONG! BONG!

and you’ll wish you weren’t there,
As the crashing trains rush by, and the happy bells cry
The train crossing, train crossing lullaby.

But since we’re all friends, let’s look at our leisure,
Let’s coldly examine this source of displeasure;
Let’s deconstruct, analyse, probe and expoud
On all the neurosis in this simple sound.
Perhaps it’s the way, when you talk to a friend,
It hollers before

BONG! BONG! BONG! BONG!
BONG! BONG! BONG! BONG!

before you get to the END,
How, when you’ are talking and meeting and greeting
And –

BONG! BONG! BONG! BONG!
BONG! BONG! BONG! BONG!

And your -

BONG! BONG! BONG! BONG!
BONG! BONG! BONG! BONG!

(Silently: Fuck!) And your conversation turns into expleting.
Or sometimes, the way it will throw in a

BONG!

You tense up, expecting the

BONG!

to go on.
But no! Not one single

BONG!

can be heard.
At last, you relax and think they’ve just erred,
But then –

BONG! BONG! BONG! BONG!
BONG! BONG! BONG! BONG!

- the bells sing out in a tone that’s capricious,
Or possibly maybe just plain malicious.
Or sometimes, the way they will loudly rejoice,
And holler for ages in their loudest voice –

BONG! BONG! BONG! BONG!
BONG! BONG! BONG! BONG!
BONG! BONG! BONG! BONG!
BONG! BONG! BONG! BONG!

Not to mention –

And while the bells ring and you can’t hear a thing, Not one single thing that someone is saying, And they ring and they ring and your ears start to sting, And you can’t hear a thing, not one bloody thing,

BONG! BONG! BONG! BONG! BONG! BONG! BONG! BONG! BONG! BONG! BONG! BONG! BONG! BONG! BONG! BONG!

You say, “WHAT WAS THAT? THOSE BLOODY TRAIN BELLS!”
Your friend simply says, “Hey man, there’s no need to yell.”
Or sometimes, again, you’re sleeping in bed,
A curious dream going on in your head:
You’re eating a meal of Bongers and Mash,
With bongcakes for supper, and bongbeer to match,
And bongoing bongoists bonging the bongo,
And old ladies playing Bing-Bong or Bongo,
And BONG!ers and BONG!bing and BONG!ishly BONG!some,
And BONG! BONG! and BONG! BONG! and BONG! BONG! and then some.
You sit up in bed as

BONG! BONG! BONG! BONG!
BONG! BONG! BONG! BONG!

rings out in the night,
(And you know by the sound that it’s almost first light.)
So trains madly rush by, and the bells louder cry
The train crossing, train crossing lullaby.

So that, in a nutshell, dear ladies and gents –

BONG! BONG! BONG! BONG!

That, ladies and gents, is my argument –

BONG! BONG! BONG! BONG!

My argument, folks, is simple and clear –

BONG! BONG! BONG! BONG!

It’s clearly the case that sometime this year -

BONG! BONG! BONG! BONG!

I said, sometime this year, or sooner, no doubt –

BONG! BONG! BONG! BONG!

Quite shortly, in fact, I plan to move out –

BONG! BONG! BONG! BONG!

Or the BONGS! will BONG! on while I’m tossing and turning, My ears will be ringing, my brain will be burning, My stomach will flip flop, my gut will be churning, My lower intestine ceaselessly gurning, I’ll be sickly and ailing, my health will be failing, I’ll be sobbing and moaning and weeping and wailing, And howling and yowling and growling and moaning, And pitifully wretchedly gnashing and groaning,

BONG! BONG! BONG! BONG! BONG! BONG! BONG! BONG! BONG! BONG! BONG! BONG! BONG! BONG! BONG! BONG! BONG! BONG! BONG! BONG! BONG! BONG! BONG! BONG! BONG! BONG! BONG! BONG! BONG! BONG! BONG! BONG!

As the trains hurry by and the crossing bells cry
The train crossing, train crossing lullaby -
The train crossing, train crossing lullaby.