Wednesday, April 28, 2010

Ignoring the behemothian beam in my own ocular cavity to cast out the sub-molecular mote in mine enemies' ocular cavity

Dear preposterous Antipodean popinjays of the popular press,

If I may be so bold as to ask: why has your attention been drawn by the brief use of a four-letter expletive in the film Kick Ass, where a character in passing says:

Okay you cunts... Let's see what you can do now!

I put it to you that there is a more pertinent problem than this dialogue: to wit, the blatant and shameful use of an American spelling in the film's title, that is, 'Kick Ass'. The word I am referring too, of course, is 'ass'. What is this 'ass' it is speaking of? Surely they mean 'arse'?

Accordingly, I would like to propose an alternative title for the film: you may find it somewhat unwieldy at first, but you will find it will be more in harmony with our own Australian dialect. The title is as follows:

Vigorously Placing Foot In Other Person's Posterior In Order to Induce Feelings of Satisfaction in Oneself and Feelings of Pain and Humiliation In Other.

As you can see, it summarises the theme of the original title in a precise yet thorough manner, and all in a perfectly acceptable vernacular idiom which the ordinary, everyday Australian would find to be quite comprehensible. Quite soon, conversations such as the following may be heard across the land:
A: Oh, what are you doing today?

B: Generally whaffling about in a nugatory fashion this morning, is my supposition... and this afternoon, I plan to see that film, Vigorously Placing Foot In Other Person's Posterior In Order to Induce Feelings of Satisfaction in Oneself and Feelings of Pain and Humiliation In Other. You know, the Hollywood new release?

A: How perfectly delightful!
Nevertheless, it does occur to me now that when giving the film the particular epithet 'Kick Ass', the filmmakers were referring to the practice of vigorously and violently kicking donkeys. While not endorsing this practice, I put it to you that, in order to dispel any ambiguity, the film be given the following title:

A physical, metaphysical, and moral examination of the most lamentable practice of vigorously and violently placing the foot in the front, back, sides, tops, or bottoms of donkeys, mules, or related animals, in the form of cinematic arts.

This title will quickly find its way into the local and national idiom and can thus be put to good use, as in the conversation provided above.

as ever,
Tim of the Ts.


TimT said...

Of course, in some households, the following -

A: How perfectly delightful!

- might instead be rendered as:

A: How perfectly delightful, you cunt!

TimT said...

The Australian vernacular is rich and rewarding, don't you know!

Shelley said...

I've always known that I lack class but this is a word that I not only like but use.

Ass, however, is thoroughly annoying and should only be used when referring to quadrupeds or people who greatly resemble them.

TimT said...

'Arse': a good word. A fine word. Never quite understood the American attraction to the three-letter spelling.

Perhaps to be consistent, of course, we should start spelling other words this way as well: 'arse' and 'social clarse'. 'Sarsy' instead of 'sassy'.

Email: timhtrain - at -

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