Symptom, symptom, anyone got a symptom?

For some reason I have been signed up to attend another one of those Work Health check thingies. By myself. How do I get myself into these things? Anyway, I guess I need some symptoms, since that's the whole point, right? I get myself a set of symptoms, go in and tell them all about it, and they say I will die in a week? It's so relaxing knowing those doctors and nurses are coming round to our workplaces to look after us.

The Baron has been doing her bit to help, chipping in with helpful suggestions of debilitating fatal diseases that may be in the process of fatally debilitating me. Just this morning I happened to mention that my tongue hurt a bit for some reason, and that it seemed to have a lump on it. Her response was as instant as it was devastating: "It could be an ulcer." "I probably just bit it accidentally," I said. "It's cancer, undoubtedly," she said.

So, in all likelihood, I will die before the Work Health check comes around. Good-oh!