Tuesday, April 23, 2013

Fudge making for sado-masochists

I know what all you sado-masochists are thinking. "My life as a sado-masochist is rich and full! I inflict pain and have pain inflicted on me with others in a fully consenting adult relationship already, so why would I need more help?" But hear me out!

Fudge making involves intense heat, can go wrong in a number of ways, will quite possibly inflict a large amount of pain on yourself, and involves working with high heat for long periods of time. What's more it is extremely time consuming and tedious. Not only that, but if you do it in the right way (by which I mean the wrong way), you will end up with a product that will inflict a great deal of suffering on your teeth and jaw by cracking into shards in your mouth, and possibly gluing it together for good! So let's begin.

To make some fudge, you will simply need some sugar and double cream, a pot to melt the two together in, a stove, and some butter. Obviously the sado-masochist angle will work better if you do all your cooking in your kinky bedroom costume, as when the mixture is close to boiling, it is likely that it will spit hot liquid all over you, and you may well want to maximise the pain involved (TIP! - things become even more dangerous, and therefore desirable, if you are wearing bondage gear), though of course it all depends on how you are feeling on the day.

Don't forget to keep stirring! The sugar crystals will dissolve better if you keep stirring as the mixture gradually rises in temperature. You want to get the mixture to reach a temperature between 115 and 117 Degrees Celsius. How can you tell if it is that temperature? I'm glad you asked! You can use three tests: the thermometer test (the name says it all), the cold plate test (drop some of the liquid on a plate that has been in the refrigerator, and if it forms a soft ball, it is ready), or the finger test (stick your finger in the liquid and if it feels searingly awful, it is ready). Obviously for our purposes we'll be wanting to use the finger test, but again, it all depends what you feel like on the day and if you don't want to do it then that's completely fine and all right. Anyway, it might get a few goes before you get the 'feel' of fudge making, but don't worry, you have ten fingers, and many other body limbs that you can dip into a dangerously hot liquid, so it should be fine.

When it's all done, just stir in the butter, pour the liquid fudge into a pan lined with aluminium foil, and leave to cool. Done!

You will be left with a tray of pleasantly sweet, tasty treats that you and your sado-masochist friends can enjoy eating in your fully consenting adult relationships in your own time. Sounds awful, I know, but you can content yourself by looking forward to the heart attacks and diabetes and other horrible diseases and medical syndromes that eating too much fudge can cause.

Bon appetit!

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