Saturday, June 25, 2005

My Children's Book

I am currently in the process of writing a picture book. Here's how it goes so far...


One morning Spot gets out of bed.
"Good morning, Spot," says Matthew Mouse.
Spot eats him.

This is Spot.

2. Spot then rolls in a mud puddle for ten minutes. Afterwards, he feels all lovely and stinky.

3. "Good morning, Spot," says Sally. "Look what I've just found! A half-empty can of processed gristle and bone!"
"It looks like a dogs breakfast!" says Spot.

4. They eat it.

5. "Get your clothes on, Spot," says Sally. "We're going somewhere very special today."
"But dogs don't wear clothes," says Spot.
"Good point!" says Sally. They roll in a dead fish instead.

6. Spot goes with Sally to a place called 'The Vet'. There he meets many funny people, like:

Welcome to The Vet!

Peter the Paranoid Parrot (who has schizophrenia, and suffers from the delusion that humans talk to him)
Colin Cat (who was, tragically, born with two heads - he's here today for a a 'decapitation')
Maddie Mouse, who is going to get her tubes tied.

7. "Good morning, Spot," says Maddie. "Have you seen my baby Matthew lately? I'm so worried."
Spot feels embarassed, so he eats Maddie too.

8. It is cold and lonely in here. Then the assistant comes up and gives Spot a booklet. It's called:


That cheers him right up.

9. It has lots of funny pictures and talks a lot about correct breeding practice.
Spot wonders whether the operation will make him like his Uncle Rover, who wears a bitches collar and is married to Sally's brother.
Spot likes Uncle Rover.

10. Spot goes in to meet The Vet.
He is a big man carrying a blood-bespattered axe.
He smiles and laughs a lot.
"Good morning, Spot," laughs the vet. "Is this your first time?"
He laughs some more.

11. Afterwards the vet gives him his balls in a jar and laughs.
Spot sniffs at them. Then he eats them.
The vet laughs. Spot laughs. They both laugh. What fun!

12. That afternoon, Spot meets Daisy Dog.

Daisy the Dog

"Hello, Spot!" says Daisy. "Would you like to get married?"

13. "Go away!" says Spot. "I don't speak to bitches!"

So, um - what do you think?


daisythelamb said...

This picture book kicks butt, Tim, kicks so much butt! Things I liked: the part about dead fish, the balls in a jar section, also that a character is named after me. Or maybe not named after me but just shares a name with me. Anyway I liked that my name was in there. Things I didn't like: I wish you'd flesh out the character of Maddie Mouse more. Like add something about how she likes papier mache? Or something? Just, I really connected with her character, would have liked to get into her mind more, before her demise.

Vikki said...

This needs to be published.

TimT said...

Vikki, I know, but what would the publishers say if I sent it through? I may be ready for the world, but I'm not sure if it's ready for me...

Daisy, thanks so much, that's an excellent suggestion. How's this:

"Maddie Mouse, who is here to get a hysterectomy. She is sitting reading a magazine called 'Everything You Ever Needed to Know About Papier Mache'..."

Fun fact, re: the testicles in a jar incident. I remember having a conversation with Kathryn O regarding a book written in homage to Sylvia Plath. It's name?

The Ball Jar

One of these days, I might even get around to writing it...

Vikki said...

Hey, if the world is ready for the bunny suicides...

(this would make a great coffee table book in a vasectomy clinic)

daisythelamb said...

The Ball Jar. Yes! It must be written. Indeed, I feel you do the world a great disservice to allow it to remain unwritten.

I agree with the vasectomy clinic coffee table notion, and I think you could take it one step further. Maybe a series of "Spot Gets A [Medical Procedure]!" picture books. Like, "Spot Gets Cancerous Moles Removed" or it could be a mystery/whodunit theme like "Spot Gets Herpes". I think it would be so cute and helpful to all people everywhere.

Vikki said...

Oh my god, why stop there? Life isn't just medical procedures, it's full of other issues, too.

Spot Cheats on His Girlfriend
Spot and Centrelink: Who Will Win?
Spot and the Nasty Neighbors
Spot Lies to his Mother
Spot goes on reality TV...

and all these othe social issues. My god, Tim. You're a genius. People go their whole lives wanting to be a writer with ideas like yours.

Shit, man. You need to get writing-- society needs you.

TimT said...

*Puffs out chest*

*Head expands*

*Head expands to such an extent that it fills the room*

*Head bursts, fills the room with blood and fragments of Tim's cerebellum*

Well thanks...

daisythelamb said...

I really think you have found your calling. This is pure, distilled kismet and nothing less, and you have totally got to carpe the diem, here!

Also will you be needing groupies? If so do you have some kind of application process or do I (we? with me, ladies?) just need to show up?

KV said...


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I found this by accident, I'll be a regular visitor in here. I agree with Timt above me, and almost each fact posted, this blog should be ranked so high up there.

Email: timhtrain - at -

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