A City Out Of Control
LONDON, SATURDAY - Citizens have been complaining in increasing numbers about gangs of rampaging Tories roaming the parks, looking for hoodies to hug.
Things have got so bad that the hoodies have been fleeing from their natural habitats, the parks, and are staying at home, leaving the Tories to gang up on ordinary citizens.
"I was just on my way to work" sobs one, "when I was confronted by a bunch of overaffectionate Tories who demanded in the nicest way possible that would it be alright, really, if they all gave me a hug? And then they insisted I have a cup of tea with them, if I really didn't mind! It was terrible!"
Meanwhile, the Amalgamated Hoodies' Union of Greater London and Surrounding Counties has petitioned the City of London to do something about the growing Tory problem so they can return to their normal crime-abiding ways.
Angry Scenes in Parliament
Tories have been confronted by Labor in Parliament over their controversial "hug a hoodie" policy.
"What's wrong with hugging a hoodie?" says one Tory Minister. "I mean, really. They're soft and cuddly and oh so lovely. I bet Mr Blair never got hugged when he was a kid. That's his problem."
However, a rival faction of Tories, led by former Spectator editor Boris Johnson, have claimed that Cameron's hoodie speech has been 'misinterpreted'.
"He really meant to say we should kiss a hoodie." said Johnson in a statement to the media.
Hoodies Break Down
Meanwhile, several hoodies, unable to take the new Tory hugging policy, have broken down already, causing widespread social concern.
"I just want things to go back to the way before!" sobs one hoodie. "I mean, they'd lash at us with their riding crops, we'd smash them in the face with broken bottles, they'd call us scum and dogs, we'd call them c*ts - things were so much easier then!"
A deputation of Labor supporters, concerned for the hoodies welfare, have promised to step in and lash the hoodies with riding crops and whips. However, they have called for a new social agency to be set up to provide this vital service to hoodies.
10 comments:
c*ts? When did you start censoring yourself [badly] and why?
Only because that's what they generally do in the newspapers. It's not as if it's a swear-word a minute round here anyway - apart from the occasional rantiferous outburst.
I do like that you answered that.
I've noticed that a lot of men seem to be opting for the hoodie, now it's a bit colder. In Melbourne too?
Yeah, 'tis a bit that way. There's something perenially menacing about the hoodie image, one reason the image keeps popping up in fantasy.
In the movie Hot Fuzz, there's a scene where all the villagers become hoodies, donning sinister monk-habits and getting involved in a town-wide gun-battle!
I haven't even heard of Hot Fuzz! Is that very bad?
I must admit that I do not like it if I'm walking down a street alone and a man approaches in the opposite direction with his hood pulled up. I'm constantly amazed at the number of men who seem to have no awareness of how threatening some behaviour can be to women- standing too close, sitting right next to you on a train when it's almost empty, etc.
Oh, some people will just do it to everybody. For instance, some weeks ago I was sitting in an almost completely empty train carriage, by the window on a three-seater, late at night, and this guy came in and instead of choosing any of the empty seats, sat right beside me.
I think something occurred to him about seven stops later, when he changed seats!
Same deal with a lot of the hoodies, etc.
Insert conservative mutterings here, what is this world coming to, etc, etc, etc.
I shouldn't worry about not having heard of Hot Fuzz. It's an excellent movie, sort of a parody of The Bill that morphs into a semi-Doctor Who-esque plot in the north of England, but like a lot of cult films, it passed relatively unmarked.
Yes, but you're male and, from what I can gather, well over 6 foot. There's a whole other level of discomfort about this sort of thing when one is female. A couple of weeks ago I went for a walk around 6.30pm. A middle-aged man was striding along in front of me. All of a sudden he decided that he would like to carry a stick as he walked and that the best time to pick up that stick would be at the very moment that I was passing him. I kept a good eye on where he was after that and I don't care that he noticed. Next time he might think.
Don't even get me started on men who refuse to shift their legs on trains and buses, thereby forcing women to climb over their laps. In my view, one should always stand to let the other person past, unless the train or bus is so crowded one cannot.
It's amazing how similar our mutterings probably sound- coming from different places but ending up with the same rant!
Hot Fuzz sounds promising.
So Tim picks up on trains...and fails to notice... Well done!
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