Crush your puny opponents and trod their bones beneath the photocopier!

As you'll probably know, I post on this blog from time to time about the Company I work for. I hope I'm not giving too much away, but this is their logo. Perhaps you might recognise it:

Their aims are innovation, efficiency, service, and eating as many small rodents and/or human babies as possible.

Today, I was lucky enough to be present at the company annual awards ceremony, an 'inspiring 'event where we learnt about many of the 'hard-working', 'committed' and 'creative' efforts put in by our colleagues. Two awards were given out, and by chance I was lucky enough to remember the details of both of the 'thank you' speeches. They are given below.

SPEECH NUMBER ONE
This victory is indeed a sweet and glorious one! I thank the mighty CEO Zorgax* for assisting me in my labours. Tonight, I shall feast upon the blood and skulls of my opponents and their children's children, crushing their bones and hearing the lamentations of their women as I thunder onwards! But I am a just and humble victor: I courtesly invite all you, my underlings, to join me in partaking in the festal cup of victory later this evening at the local blood bank. Actually, don't be surprised if I don't drink too much blood myself: I'm trying to cut back. It's a bit fattening. However, the rich ichor of mine enemies shall flow tonight, nevertheless, and it shall certainly be an enjoyable occasion!

On such an event, only two things really need be said: firstly, I would like to thank one and all of you for voting for me on this occasion, and if you didn't vote for me, NEVER LET IT HAPPEN AGAIN. Secondly, now that I have in my possession the Talisman of Zorgax, all that I need is the Sword of the Black Realms, and ALL POWER SHALL BE MINE! Then - NAUGHT BUT A DRASTIC RISE IN INTEREST RATES AND/OR A BULL MARKET SHALL STOP ME! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

SPEECH NUMBER TWO
Awesome, guys! This is the most awesomely awesome thing to ever happen to me in an this awesome life of mine, full of awesomeness! I most righteously and awesomelly thank you for this awesomeness, and all the awesomelly awesome people within this room!

Awesome guys! Thanks so much!

PS We shall slaughter the Clan of the Photocopier at dawn. Draw your swords, mine supporters, and we will crush these puny rebels, and drink from their skulls! Bwa ha ha ha, and all that.

On the whole, I think, it's a good company, and a good place to be at.

*Names have been altered slightly to protect the guilty.