Monday, April 14, 2008

Plumbing the depths

Three poems for The Baron, who is currently dealing with the dicey problem of buying a toilet...

On the difficulties in buying a non-white toilet
A loo with a lavender livery
Makes some squirm while others go shivery.
Whilst the market condones
A white porcelain throne,
Does it really aid one in delivery?

On piping
The piping in your water closet
A small but vital detail is.
It directs your small deposit,
The piping in your water closet.
When you go to toilet retailers,
A small but vital detail is
The piping in your water closet.

When purchasing your toilet, the direction of the drainage can be an important factor in your decision
Left or right or high or low -
Whither goes the plumb?
Hither! Thither! It doth go!

Hear the visitor cry - 'Oh!'
Hear the farting of the bum!
Left and high or right and low?

Thro' mazelike plumbing it doth flow -
Hear its rumble - grumble - hum!
Whither, whither, doth it go?

Where will it end? What man can know?
The body and the mind grow numb,
Thinking, fearing - 'high or low?'

Will the package sink below,
Sink into the sewerage scum?
Who can tell where it will go?

Is the toilet friend or foe?
Sellers, buyers, both cry - 'UM!'
Right or high or left or low!
Hither! Thither! It doth go!


maria said...

Isn't the Baron searching for a pink toilet? Pink rhymes with sink ... and if you're creative, try to get it to rhyme with "tinkle"

All that pink'll
Help you tinkle

is what pops into mind right away, but I'm sure much better can be done.

It also rhymes with STINK.

It's a very appropriate colour for a loo, come to think of it.

TimT said...

Nice suggestions, Maria. But I couldn't resist the louchely alliterative 'A loo with a lavender livery'. Maybe this could be the start of an online toilet poems competition? You know, you see my rhyming of 'plumb' with 'scum', and raise it 'pink/tink/stink'!'

I look forward to the inaugural Online Toilet Poetry Stand Off!

Alexis, Baron von Harlot said...

Winner receives my soon-to-be-ex and slightly cracked loo!

Email: timhtrain - at -

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