ALICE SPRINGS - Huge landslides outside town this morning might have nearly killed people if they had been closer, and could have almost disrupted houses if they had been nearby.
Shaken locals, who remain unhurt by this disaster that luckily struck in the wrong place, have spoken to WTFF of the wave of fear and horror that struck them when hearing of this disaster.
"I was at work when I heard about it," comments June. "If I hadn't been at work, and I had been elsewhere, that elsewhere possibly being out of town, then I very nearly might have been killed."
"It was just shocking to hear that if my house was on the other side of town and the landslide had been just ten kilometres closer, then I might concievably have been on the verge of almost losing everything. Though I was out shopping at the time, anyway."
Local authorities have issued a statement saying "this disaster that could nearly have wreaked havoc if it had been closer is almost certainly too close for comfort, and we will certainly do something important about it sometime."
However, a shopkeeper who wishes to remain unnamed has expressed his gratitude. "It's about time a disaster happened in the wrong place. We should have more accidental disasters like it."
SYDNEY - A woman yesterday dropped a feather on her foot which, if it had been bigger, and made out of concrete, and she hadn't moved her foot out of the way in time, would quite possibly have hurt or wounded her. The woman, who wishes to be known only as 'Tina', is currently in counselling.
However, experts at Sydney University point out that if the feather had been a knife, and if the knife had been pointing downwards instead of upwards, then Tina's foot may have been cut, and the accidental disaster that occured may have been accidentally very disastrous indeed.
In addition, WTFF believes that further investigation is required into the possibility that the feather may have been a lump of plutonium which may have exploded on being dropped. If this had been the case, then the catastrophe that occured would have been positively tragic.
In the tradition of all great journalism, we will be further delving into these extremely remote possibilities of disaster in the days and weeks to come.
INSIDE: OPINION COLUMN - "It's high time the government did something about relatively unlikely accidents involving household furniture with potentially destructive consequences."
PORT STEPHENS - Disaster struck the town's weekly paper when near tragedy struck the town two days after the paper's deadline. The near tragedy - a flood which could, if it had been higher, potentially have caused property damage, and if it had been more violent, possibly caused drowning - failed to occur on schedule, forcing editors and journalists at the paper to scramble for news. Also, it wasn't much of a flood either - someone's lawn just got a bit mooshy.
Thankfully, the almost tragic lack of near-tragedy was avoided at the last moment when a second cousin of the editor's dog lost a hair pin that could very easily have been an item of jewellery worth a million dollars, just in time for the deadline.
Also, thanks to quick thinking, the editor was able to arrange for the 600th anniversary of the battle of Agincourt to be moved forward a few years and several months to coincide with the paper's deadline, at only minor inconvenience to the now dead participants.
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