Saturday, April 18, 2009

Cereal crimes

Now I like breakfast cereal. A lot. So much so that I sometimes eat two bowls in the morning and another bowl in the evening. But what I don't understand, what I can't understand, is this obsession breakfast cereal manufacturers have with making it seem as fake and artificial as possible.

Weet Bix
'Wheat', not 'weet'. 'Weet' sounds disturbingly like 'Wet', and would you like to be eating 'Wet Bix'? Also - 'Bix'. What the hell? Is that meant to be 'biscuits'? Plus, they look like cardboard turds:

Weet Bix also have a competitor called 'Vita Brits', and I don't need to tell you how many kinds of wrong are in that name.

Nutri Grain
'Nutri' is not a word, the cereal is not a grain, and as for the shape - who came up with this?

People who flunk at design class in the seventh grade could come up with something better. It's an oval, with holes in it. Why does it have holes in it? 'That's to hold the milk', argues H. at work. What's the point of that if the milk just falls out of the other side? CASE CLOSED.

Froot Loops
These things are disgusting. Quite aside from the name (anyone who writes 'Froot' is a fruit loop), they look, feel, and taste like coloured polystyrene.

Actually, polystyrene would probably test a hell of a lot better than Froot Loops.

There are some places even a cereal conossieur won't go.

Just Right
Just Right = ALL WRONG

We used to love eating this stuff as kids, but honestly. We would have been better off eating spoonfuls of sugar.

Special K
What sort of a person would name a cereal after a letter in the alphabet? I'm here for breakfast, not an algebra lesson. I just found this picture on the internet, but the 'eighty per cent fat free' is very offputting. Next time I buy this, I think I might throw some butter into every dish to make up.

On the other hand, it does keep me looking good, so I suppose that's all right.


forlorn said...

In your capacity as a cereal connoisseur, perhaps you could help me with a little problem I've developed of late. I now find it really difficult to eat in the mornings, even though I never had that problem before. It seems anything as substantial as bread makes me sick. And yet I feel ill if I don't eat anything too. I've been experimenting with breakfast cereals but haven't yet hit on one I can actually digest, find filling and would consider eating. Can you suggest anything?

Dale Slamma said...

I thought Special K was named after ketamine.

nailpolishblues said...

Forlorn, try toast?

I cannot understand breakfast cereal at all. I'm almost certain that it's designed to make people feel ill or inadequate as their bodies reject such pap. Muesli, doubly so, as well as making one feel - ever so slightly - like a horse.

Still, you have to admire the people who invented it and made us believe it a necessary part of life.

TimT said...

Fruit salad, or maybe a variation on apple crumble - there's an awesome cafe down the road from my place that does apple and rhubarb crumble, and it is, if I haven't mentioned it already, awesome. There's probably something like that up your way...

forlorn said...

Sorry, I meant toast when I said "bread" and toast is the hardest thing for me to digest of all first thing in the morning, much harder than bread.

As you know, Tim, I live in an area that is a culinary waste land and cannot pop down to some trendy cafe upon waking. I sometimes have apple crumble for breakfast and I love rhubarb but that's not a long-term proposition. Sigh! How we decline! I used to be able to eat pot noodles for breakfast when I was 15 (I think I might have had a stomach comparable to yours then). I demand the right to be able to eat like a man!

TimT said...

Yeah, so do I. For the past few days I've had annoying gut rumbles that are brought on by a heavier breakfast.

Any man in the house care to lend me his stomach?

forlorn said...

I'm sorry to hear that. From past conversations, I had an image of you absolutely terrorising the cafes of Melbourne, demanding whopping bug plates of steak at all hours and then returning home to make yourself a fridge worth of ginger bread and fudge. I liked that image.

nailpolishblues said...

I actually missed the entire bread line until after I posted. The perils of skim reading (much like skim milk in being not really worth the effort).

I think you are the only man in this here house, Tim. Can you lend yourself your stomach? Thanks to Forlorn I now see you as an enormous stomach seeking feedings at all times. There is much amusement in that.

Gingerbread is, for the record, quite awesome for breakfast. On lazy mornings I have often nibbled it.

Dale Slamma said...

Did you know that you can get chocolate gingerbread ninjas at the bakery just about opposite the Courthouse?

nailpolishblues said...

I didn't know that, thanks. Are they nice and gingery?

Kathy Farrelly said...

Cereal yuk!

Can't beat poached eggs on toast(homemade bread) with grilled tomatoes. Also a side salad of snow pea sprouts, cucumber, spring onion, radish and red capsicum.
Oh, and of course (for me) the obligatory *grilled chilli in extra virgin olive oil... Just love it lavishly spread on the poached eggs.
Bellisimo, Timbo! (kisses fingers)
*I have chilli this way every morning.(I kid you not) Haven't had a cold in years so it's gotta be good!

Alexis, Baron von Harlot said...

Forlorn, I suggest several small breakfasts throughout the morning, at 2 hourly intervals.

Anonymous said...

Kathy Farrelly
Cereal yuk!
Can't beat poached eggs on toast(homemade bread) with grilled tomatoes. Also a side salad of snow pea sprouts, cucumber, spring onion, radish and red capsicum.
I'm with you all the way! The only way to break the fast!
If nothing medically wrong, try a banana. Easy to eat easy to keep down. Not much acid either.
Good luck with it.


forlorn said...

I like the series of small breakfasts, but would only have the leisure for it on the weekend. The banana is a good idea, thanks.

When I was a tallish, somewhat gangly child, I was very fond of eating apple pie when I visited my grandparents and my grandfather used to joke that it was all going "straight to my legs". So I had a marauding legs-stomach combination.

Maria said...

Hmmmm - scary how breakfast cereal pervades our lives.

I had a dream the other night that I met a little child and I complimented her on how good she was and she looked up at me and said "Yes, I'm just like a chocolate milkshake only crrrrrunchy!"

AAAAARH! Help! Cereal Demons!

TimT said...

Personally I feel bloody hungry at breakfast and so like nothing better than guzzling down a bowl of extra creamy milk with added cereal, followed by something bready with coffee*, but maybe the European breakfast idea would work well, Forlorn. As Alexis suggests, a succession of small breakfasts. Coffee would help you work your way up to it, maybe?

*This may have been the cause of recent gastric explosions in my stomach. It's back to normal for the moment.

TimT said...

Maria - always thought there was something sinister about Snap, Crackle and Pop.

Maria said...

This morning as I was leaving work I kept hearing voices in my head saying things like "Snap Crackle and Pop!" "Just like a chocolate milkshake only crrrrrunchy!" "Don't tell your kids it's healthy and they'll eat it by the boxful!" "Iron Man Food!"

I was going nutty.

Really cereally mad.

Email: timhtrain - at -

eXTReMe Tracker

Blog Archive