Your complete guide to the Labor leadership spill

You will have all heard by now that the Federal Labor Party is having a leadership spill to be concluded in the next few days. But what is a spill and what does this mean for the rest of us? Most importantly, what implications could it have for Australia and the world at large? This guide should help you answer any questions you have about the historical events taking place in our capital city.

What is it? 
Julia Gillard, the Prime Minister of Australia, was drinking a cup of tea the other day, and accidentally slopped some of the tea out of the cup. This created a major geopolitical-meterological vortex, and it dripped all over the table. This event was what was to become known as the leadership spill, or simply, the spill.

What happened?
Within minutes, Prime Minister Gillard's office had prepared memos informing all elected Ministers and Senators in the Federal Labor Party of this event, and informing them that Gillard intended to take charge of this situation before it got out of hand. On hearing about this developing situation, former Prime Minister Kevin Rudd called a press conference in the US in which he informed the media that he intended to take charge of the situation, that he had a squeegee and everything, and that he was the most fit person to mop up the tea before it fell onto the floor.

The situation develops
After Kevin Rudd's declaration, the Australian Labor Party, the most important political body in the country, immediately set about deciding what they were going to do. Some members immediately threw their support behind Prime Minister Gillard as the person most capable of dealing with the cup of tea, others announced their support for Kevin Rudd. A few deliberated and began a process of extensive consultation with their staff and supporters in order to help them work out how best to deal with this complex state of affairs.

As it stands
By Monday, the Labor Party will, in all likelihood, have decided who best to take charge of the upended cup of tea. The situation is tense but we need not worry. The Labor Party is the largest political party in Australia, and almost all of the Ministers in the federal branch have spent their entire life in politics, and so  have extensive experience in dealing with cups of tea that have gone awry.

How will the situation change
Currently, the spill is in a stable condition, having spread over most of the table. The room in which Gillard was drinking tea has been secured until the situation is resolved one way or another. A little tea remains in the cup but it has gone cold and will be used to water the office plants once matters have been decided. Two important policy papers remain on the table, including one on ending child poverty, and another on attaining world peace, but they will be dealt with once the spill has been cleaned. And besides, they haven't been wet too much by the spill.

Don't worry. The nation, and the world, is in good hands. Or will be, as soon as this matter is decided for once and for all. Or possibly for the next couple of months. Maybe. Sort of.