Friday, February 17, 2006

The Infinite Monkeys Giude to 'Writing'

You know, I used to believe that I was writing this things myself. But according to a comment I read on Legless In Perpetuum, I'm not me at all, I'm actually just infinite monkeys typing away at infinite typewriters. Or laptops, as the case may be. Possibly an infinite amount of monkeys who have been fed with an infinite amount of LSD - I'm not sure about that bit.

But you can't refute the logic. I mean, really: the spelling mistakes, the erratic posts, the random, emotional outpourings, the occasional shocking outbursts of eloquence? I can't be a real writer at all; the only real explanation are those bloody monkeys.
And the little fuckers, having stolen my artistic integrity away with a few strokes of the keyboard, aren't going to be happy to stop just there. Oh no. In a flailing of the fingers, my name is reduced to eight letters and a blank space. In a slip of the wrist, my history disappears into cyberspace, leaving behind an empty screen. The ciphers of my life - dates, names, words - become meaningless symbols standing in the place of other meaningless symbols. Thousands of digitalised pixels vanish into nothingness.
I can't even yell at the fucking monkeys for doing this. 'I' don't exist any more. It is as if I had never been ...


But, you know, it's rather liberating becoming a bunch of infinite monkeys. I can get away with things that I never could have otherwise. Like type in a bunch of swear words for no reason at all:

Pootit cock wee bumface cunt shit piddle bum bum bum bum bum

Or I can just type in random strings of symbols:

fgdeaendfdsxvgndn thyj trghjews yher ytj erg rthy erh srg eryyjusat wqytyjaq ytkipo'edjri.ADQYTU, r trj qwrhyuqr efgtj q

And if elephants can be painters - why can't I write?


Speaking as one bunch of infinite monkeys to another, I cannot overstress the importance of correct mispelling. It is vital that you are accurate in your inaccuracies: after all, you don't want to be mistaken for a real person writing real things:

Here is just one quote illustrative of the wrong and the right way to mispell things:

"Butter my heart, three-parsoned Cod ..."

"Batter my heart, three-personed God ..."
Infinite monkey Donne

If you're not careful, you could mispell an entire passage incorrectly, and find you've typed something profound and meaningful in instead:

"Tomorrow, and tomorrow, and tomorrow
Creeps in this petty pace from day to day,
To the last syllable of recorded time;
And all our yesterday's have lighted fools
The way to dusty death. Out, out, brief candle!
Life's but a walking shadow; a poor player
That struts and frets his hour upon the stage,
And then is heard no more: it is a tale
Told by an idiot, full of sound and fury,
Signifying nothing."

Infinite monkey Shakespeare.


Here are just some of the masterpieces that have been produced by us here at Infinite Monkeys (tm):

The Sillyad
The Oddity.
The Muttermorphoses
The Shitiricon
The Bhagavad Litre
A Tail of Too Cities
The Furry Queen
The Ponciad
Intern Flabby
The Roam of the Uncient Meeriner
Catch 23

With these great works for inspiration, I'm sure your future as a bunch of Infinite Monkeys will be bright indeed.


CB said...

My eyes are bleeding thinking of the coolness factor of being referred to as an 'Infinite Monkey'.
That'd make a great line of tees, dude. Capitalise now on your amazing good fortune to have the best tshirt name in the biz.
Infinte Monkey hella r0x0r.

redsaid said...

Under Infinite Monkey(TM) titles, why did you omit: "A male with two tities?" and "A Farewell to Limbs" (the riveting autobiographical work by a doctor specialising in amputations)? Are you ashamed of your monkeys' best works?!?

Love anyway,

TimT said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
TimT said...

Good suggestions all round. I'm thinking of setting the monkeys to work on a book called 'The Chronicles of Tania' by and 'The Loo Testament' - a supplementary edition of the Bible for use in privies, bathrooms, and other locales.

Email: timhtrain - at -

eXTReMe Tracker

Blog Archive